Im still in LIMBO LAND; Slowly working my way on the further crests of glazer free lands; greener lands; no more deserts. Slowly making my way back down within my spiritual imagination.
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Music creation is the #1 goal I have right now; and it will be until I accomplish the goal of writing a piece; memorizing a piece Ive practiced of my own making and performing it!
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So; Right now; my mind is avoiding; Im getting closer to the anxiety disorder and im feeling the ruptured part of my nervous system; Im starting to touch it; get closer to it and my dissociative condition is trying to divert me away from goal setting; its trying to make me forget my interest in it.
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So; I have to work with the universe; start over; create a new agenda of goals surrounding music; adjust things; get things back into alignment; focus on the goal not on the divergent possibility.
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Im suppose to do what I set out for in the first place; make a list from 1 to 6; of each step of the goals to create a piece of music; then write it out; practice memorize it then perform it live in front of others. Next; is a song I sing in front of others that Ive writing out; And there it is. However, its one song at a time; and that is the only goal; first song on piano.
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Heres the deal; Even while writing this; AVPD kicks in to avoid all this; try to dissociate all this; this whole concept of performing live. My nervous system is trying to keep me safe and is defending itself against being opened up by force against its will. And in a sense; Im opening up my nervous system against its will and thus its clams down shut and tight and wont budge or open up.
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So; Im dissociating a bit and wanting to avoid.. So; Ill re write my basic goals and stick to those. I do have some other creative ideas come up; Ill catalog them; but bi pass them for now and stick to my goals.
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Who said this was easy? Its not! Its boring! But the job must get done because its saving my life and my sanity and that is the real goal. The music concept here of creating music is just a front for right now; the real goal is; God is using music creation to get me to trust again and show up to reality and life. Im learning how to have a reason or a fight to show up to life.
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Showing up to life is a scary thing for me; its death fear! Not very one knows the paranoia this causes; its a very bad thing… combat people from wars no it; I know it from my experiences; Ill never be the same ever again; a deeper part of me is always on red alert out in society; always.
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So; Im learning how; with Gods help; to take care of my life.
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Goals within my imagination are like creating streets to my interests; the key is; I have interests and thats what I focus on. The more I focus only on those interests the more pathways show up and I begin to walk down them to my goals.
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Problems with the pathways to my goals; Well; first; I must experience using these pathways first; They must get cleared out of terror and fear and feeling intimidated or terror where I want to hide and run back to where I came from. Today; Im learning that I want to the problems and work through them and keep going.
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The goals I have address anxiety disorder and its dysfunction; The dysfunction is in the way of my goals; so; working with God; I learn about work-arounds for my goals. This is not easy; it feels dangerous and horrible; However; I keep at my goals until I break though this false fire wall.
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Music creation means this; start over; get my goals in tact; in order; and start again; The focus is not on finding something new to create; the goal is to finish the project of creating something in notation; memorizing it; practicing it and performing it in front of others; if I need to know What Im suppose to write; I can work with the universe on it.
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The problem is getting side tracked or wanting to get side tracked. The problem is; ...
[ Continued ]