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Medication by efface_me on Tue Nov 08, 2011 12:23 am
For some reason, I'm finding that my ADD medication is not working as well as it once did. I used to find that I would become calm and focused upon taking it. But now that calm has been replaced by increased anxiety. I'm already a somewhat anxious person, which I attribute to the critical yoke I put upon myself of becoming more self aware and yet not TOO self aware, so this pushes me to a point where all I want is to find a warm, dark hole in the ground and hide from everything. My stomach churns and my chest tightens. All I can think about is escaping. Yet I keep taking the pills as they do let me reason with myself far more effectively.

I had been taking some form of stimulant for the better part of two years and then decided to stop. I enjoyed the freedom immensely and yet suffered for it in the end. So now I'm back on them after a several month long break and I'm detesting it. Is this the penalty I must pay for restarting my medications. I do not remember having this problem when I first started.

I think I need to find some better techniques on how to handle my anxiety.

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possible schizophrenic friend by EastGeorgia on Wed Jun 13, 2012 11:31 am
I think a friend of many many years is schizophrenic. Perhaps its another disorder I am not sure. Perhaps someone here can tell me. He is my age, mid 40's, never been married. He wants to meet someone but he seems to think they (women) are keeping tabs on him. According to him they watch him. He is super paranoid about everything. He doesnt want to talk on the phone as he thinks people are listening to us. Everything, no matter how minor, is a big secret. For a few months he said girls fathers were riding by giving him the finger and dirty looks because their daughters like him. When I asked if he knew any of these people or their daughters he said no. When I pointed out nobody would even care what he was doing if he hadnt given them a reason much less if they didnt know him he became agitated. This is how he always acts when things are pointed out logically. Its as if "how dare you doubt me" is going through his mind. He took chantix to stop smoking about 2 years ago. It seems to have extremely agitated his condition which I used to attribute to....well people are sometimes odd.

I have been getting text messages like this from him... last night....

"if this then that basic programming

oh by the by I ran that by other than yourself, it triggered contiplation of events future

The good is truth. This is true. Dont ask if you dont want to know. Good is that no ill or harmful feelings was felt of sent. next thing is....

if a person is selfish equates greedy. Dont know who that might be. Corn Feed perhaps.(I think this is code for a guy we always called Corn Bread, as if this text was going to be intercepted and read) Would such a person be a slave to what he hates?

An inner understanding is all that is needed to understand the question I present not of oneself

Check this out, a min later I sent that to guess who."

That is just an except from last night. I know he was drinking and that just makes the condition whatever it is worse. I would appreciate any input, thoughts etc.Thanks

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Music goals and bits about relationships by OMNICELL on Fri May 06, 2022 8:54 pm
Im still in LIMBO LAND; Slowly working my way on the further crests of glazer free lands; greener lands; no more deserts. Slowly making my way back down within my spiritual imagination.
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Music creation is the #1 goal I have right now; and it will be until I accomplish the goal of writing a piece; memorizing a piece Ive practiced of my own making and performing it!
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So; Right now; my mind is avoiding; Im getting closer to the anxiety disorder and im feeling the ruptured part of my nervous system; Im starting to touch it; get closer to it and my dissociative condition is trying to divert me away from goal setting; its trying to make me forget my interest in it.
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So; I have to work with the universe; start over; create a new agenda of goals surrounding music; adjust things; get things back into alignment; focus on the goal not on the divergent possibility.
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Im suppose to do what I set out for in the first place; make a list from 1 to 6; of each step of the goals to create a piece of music; then write it out; practice memorize it then perform it live in front of others. Next; is a song I sing in front of others that Ive writing out; And there it is. However, its one song at a time; and that is the only goal; first song on piano.
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Heres the deal; Even while writing this; AVPD kicks in to avoid all this; try to dissociate all this; this whole concept of performing live. My nervous system is trying to keep me safe and is defending itself against being opened up by force against its will. And in a sense; Im opening up my nervous system against its will and thus its clams down shut and tight and wont budge or open up.
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So; Im dissociating a bit and wanting to avoid.. So; Ill re write my basic goals and stick to those. I do have some other creative ideas come up; Ill catalog them; but bi pass them for now and stick to my goals.
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Who said this was easy? Its not! Its boring! But the job must get done because its saving my life and my sanity and that is the real goal. The music concept here of creating music is just a front for right now; the real goal is; God is using music creation to get me to trust again and show up to reality and life. Im learning how to have a reason or a fight to show up to life.
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Showing up to life is a scary thing for me; its death fear! Not very one knows the paranoia this causes; its a very bad thing… combat people from wars no it; I know it from my experiences; Ill never be the same ever again; a deeper part of me is always on red alert out in society; always.
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So; Im learning how; with Gods help; to take care of my life.
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Goals within my imagination are like creating streets to my interests; the key is; I have interests and thats what I focus on. The more I focus only on those interests the more pathways show up and I begin to walk down them to my goals.
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Problems with the pathways to my goals; Well; first; I must experience using these pathways first; They must get cleared out of terror and fear and feeling intimidated or terror where I want to hide and run back to where I came from. Today; Im learning that I want to the problems and work through them and keep going.
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The goals I have address anxiety disorder and its dysfunction; The dysfunction is in the way of my goals; so; working with God; I learn about work-arounds for my goals. This is not easy; it feels dangerous and horrible; However; I keep at my goals until I break though this false fire wall.
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Music creation means this; start over; get my goals in tact; in order; and start again; The focus is not on finding something new to create; the goal is to finish the project of creating something in notation; memorizing it; practicing it and performing it in front of others; if I need to know What Im suppose to write; I can work with the universe on it.
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The problem is getting side tracked or wanting to get side tracked. The problem is; ...

[ Continued ]

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Phase 3 #10; Music and Art creation and First Love by OMNICELL on Tue Jan 10, 2023 11:39 pm
My Goals working with God; Music Art and maybe creative writing development.
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Getting over my First Love; Working with God; this means; An understanding of what really happened her; Then moving on.
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Girlfriends.... Wife... Best friend Wife..
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Money...
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Truck!
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So;
First Love;
New findings. I was more like a silent mouse in the corner quiet... thats all she ever really saw of me. I had big thoughts and they were deep; but she would never see them. I guess I liked her; Not sure why? Im not sure I would allow such things now.
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She thought she was better then me or superior... She decided she was of better stalk; Superior.
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What did she really see when I entered a room; nothing; not much. I kept all my depth to myself. In the end I fell in love with her; Why? Looking back; Maybe because I thought she was a nice girl when I first met her; something about her made her into the girl next door. In reality; she never saw me as the boy next door. I meant nothing to her because she did not have any character...
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I mean; she was looking at her own glory and her own level in life. She never saw me; never saw my worth or value; I meant nothing to her and after watching her for a bit; I kept to myself. I didnt realize something was wrong with this. At some point she laughed in my face with her parents doing the same thing as they made me out to be a little mouse. I thought; I dont really want anything to do with these losers.. I just want to go home. and I kind of left and slowly stopped going around... She did not care; she just wrote me off as a weakling and kept going.. I meant nothing to her! And looking back; thats all there was; nothing more...
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I have a kind of rule. Ill sit in the corner; and say nothing and let someone else decide what they see; if 90% of the people see no worth; then no worth it is; I wont help them change their minds... I will back up slowly and leave.
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I seem to be sad about all of this; really traumatized. I think I tried to make this girl into something real when actually I was just a silent mouse in the corner observing and being passed over or ignored as if I wasnt there or of any real significance or importance. And I stayed that way; and when I was judged that way; I finally quietly simply left; She and her family didnt care if they ever saw me again.
Ive mentioned before that it was like Jesus when he was in front of King Herod. In the movie; Herod tells Jesus to come forth into his chamber; the room is filled with others.. Jesus enters and is presented in front of Herod. Jesus says nothing; Herod has heard of Jesus and all the magic Jesus has done. Herod wants trix; so he tells Jesus to conjure some trix for him; Asks Jesus to complete miracles in front of him; Jesus stays silent. I think Herod asks him if he is the son of man and the king of the people; and Jesus tells him that it is so; and said no more; or says nothing at all; And Herod just looks at him because Jesus wont answer to him; he stays silent; finally Herod tells his armed men to take him away; saying this Jesus is just a harmless dreamer..
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Jesus was a quiet mouse in the corner; just like me; with big deep thoughts. Shallow popular people like Herod will never see the quality of someone like Jesus regardless... Jesus knew this so he stayed silent... Herod was evil and thus Jesus would not talk to him... Jesus was led away as a fool. And I tool was silent and thus treated like a fool. And I left as well.
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My problem was; I was in love with her... And Now I have to really examine how that happened because its not true. She did not have all that value I gave her... That's the weird part; Im not suggesting all people dont have massive value; just ask God; but this person did not have any real care to do what was right or think in those terms.. She had no depth of character; because I believe she didnt have...

[ Continued ]

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5 by JohnGreg on Tue Aug 23, 2011 3:55 pm
5

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