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splendidwithin
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Joined: Thu Oct 04, 2012 8:22 pm
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- October 2012
When I was little/big...
   Sat Oct 13, 2012 12:35 am
My hubby and I
   Sat Oct 06, 2012 11:23 pm
ADHD and BPD... Splendid
   Sat Oct 06, 2012 10:15 pm

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When I was little/big...

Permanent Linkby splendidwithin on Sat Oct 13, 2012 12:35 am

My hamster made more mess than I thought a little rodent should. It also put its two tiny rat teeth into my finger when I tried to pet it. It was probably less than a week later that I put baby powder into its cage... so it would die. 20-25 years later, my daughter loves cats. She would sneak stray kittens into my home. One day I became very angry and proceeded to smash one with a table and hit it in the head with rocks. She rescued the poor thing and it lived to be a neighbor's pet. I remember kicking another one across a parking lot. It flipped for about two minutes and I never saw it again. I love animals when they love me, but as soon as I see a change in behavior... our friendship is done! Gotta go now.

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My hubby and I

Permanent Linkby splendidwithin on Sat Oct 06, 2012 11:23 pm

My husband I are normally the elephants in the room. He's the: I want to do that... or I wish I had that. I'm the: I can do that... I will do that.

We met while he was a driver for a parcel service. I worked for a big company with offices around the country. He was married and so was I, not to eachother. He showed interest in my story just at the point when my marriage was at its end I was looking for safety. My ex husband had no clue about my past nor any condition because I didn't trust him. I was being hurt in my marriage emotionally and physically and I was being sort of risky. My current husband was put into a situation when he was a child that makes him very strange around people. I knew that feeling... and we connected deeply on a different level. He was lacking emotional and intimacy in his marriage and was being risky also. We flirted for several months before we decided to take a step forward and we have been crazy about eachother ever since.

Four years later:::
We have been together for 4 years and married for almost 2. In March of 2012, my anger was at its worst and he decided to leave me. I broke down after having hallucinations about my childhood. He drove me to my pdoc's appointment and left me there. I was at the office going crazy because I had been begging the doc to change my meds. They weren't working for me and we told her that. I had been getting treated for the wrong diagnosis. When one of the office employees offered me a ride home... I had a feeling he was gone and began to panic. When I entered my home, all of his things were gone. I stopped the meds... withdrew from them and 2 weeks later I was moving our things to our home state. I had to go where my heart was. His passive nature became an intolerant nature. If we were going to be together... we would have to make some adjustments. I had a brush with the severity of my behavior. I had pushed one of the people that I love the most away. He now understands my triggers and I understand his fear. We both work extremely hard to keep each other in a happy place. I know there will be more tough times... but showing him that I care about his feelings helps us both alot. Very therapeutic! 8)

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ADHD and BPD... Splendid

Permanent Linkby splendidwithin on Sat Oct 06, 2012 10:15 pm

BDP has been controlling my life since I was old enough to realize that something wasn't right in my family.

:::History:::
My dad was a 61 year old WWII Veteran and my mom a 36 year old homemaker when I was born.

I was physically and emotionally abused as a child from as early as I can remember.
I got sexually abused by an older nephew from 8-10. I recieved "extreme" spankings from my dad with belts, wet towels, keys, or whatever was in view. My mom tried not to hit me when I was younger but she yelled alot. Her weapon of choice when I got older was a hard leather sole slipper. Welts stuck around for a day or so... and an icepack would cool the burn. I never told anyone because I didn't want to go to the "home" where my parents threatened to send me when I was being bad or talking back. :cry:

My mother was hit and choked from time to time by my father when he couldn't control his anger which made me a very jumpy child who cried alot. The Hit to Hug Ratio was 100:1. I can't remember being told I love you from my immediate family. I was allowed to drink from a bottle until I was 4 or 5. I slept in the bed with my mom and was never out of her sight because she didn't want me to get hurt by the boogie man. :roll: My brother didn't like me much from birth. He would call me lots of names and use me as a punching bag. I tried every extreme to get someone's attention at school. They never noticed... just assumed I was a rebellious child. :(

:::Result:::
I never cut, but I did pierce, tattoo, drink, smoke, and sex to ease my pain from 14 to 26. In earlier years, I would pierce myself, and bang my head on the head board and floor. I had unsual yet frequent dreams of cutting my wrists, jumping off bridges, killing my parents, and monsters were my boyfriends. School became a challenge when I made it to 3rd grade. As long as I was making all A's, I got plenty attention. My grades began to suffer when Little Miss Perfect couldn't make the cut. Reading was easy... comprehending what I read was the hard part. Math was okay for a while. I hated Science and Social Studies. Language Arts was confusing. :?


I ran to men for comfort. I wanted for them to save me from the house that Jack built. I would offer them sex with the thought that they would love me for it, sweep me away, and take me to a new place called home. Nope. Didn't happen! I was misused, abused, and losing my mind. :oops:

:::Nowadays:::
I am now in my 30's with a great husband and two awesome kids. I am afraid for my kids and husband because they hold the key to certain triggers. My past is every teenager's parent's nightmare. I don't want them to resent me like I did my parents but I don't know how to feel any different. My anger never left and I withdraw from them too. I spend most of my days, in my bed, alone, depressed, anxious, and thinking I have every symptom contributed to every disease known to the internet. I'm pissed just thinking about it. :x

I ran away for years to stay away from the family that caused me tons of pain but its funny how life works. I currently live with my father who is in the comfort portion of stage 4 cancer. He is in his 90's and my mom passed away a few years ago from a stroke, aneurysm, and high blood pressure. My brother who once had this caretaker position has stopped by once since I've been here. My dad doesn't acknowledge his wrong and his...

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