i've been having flashbacks for the last week..
not hugely rough since i'm used to them now.. and each time i get flooded like this, it takes less and less time to recover.


Seeing C though.. I spent the whole day swirling in my mind.. wanting to shout, cry.. rage.. sob.. going through that whole time over again..
i was just a kid really.. just needing someone to care for me - but no-one did.
that whole family screwed me over completely.. I look back on that and it's unbelievable, i mean who actually does that anyway?

apart from you of course S.. i don't know if you're still out there, i assume you're not since C said that 'she's got noone left now''..
but thankyou. the only one with any decency out of all of you.. thankyou for trying.

Just a thought really - and it's always confused me.

Why do we (as a society) treat people differently based on what they do/what type of job they have?

I mean.. perhaps my thinking is a little different to that of others (oh.. hey aspergers.. how are you? ) but i don't understand.

I was reading an article today about a teenaged boy that was permanently excluded from school for punching a teacher.. the police were also called and he was arrested..
why did he get permanently excluded? why were the police called?
This in England.. 2016 - where teens bully other teens every single day.. where teens punch, kick, spit at, slap and do the most horrible things to other teens every single day at school..
yet you hardly ever see any of those get much more than a single detention and a phone call home (if even that..) -

So.. i just don't understand it..

why just because it's a teacher it happens to is the reaction completely different?
You could argue that the teacher has a right to be safe at work.. but so does the child have a right to be safe at school.


same as the police - if someone hits them it's really serious and they get a heavier sentence than if they'd hit someone that wasn't a police officer.. why?

Surely the punishment should fit the crime.. not be tailored for who the victim was..

I think i preferred it when i didn't really believe in something specific afterwards you know.. because now i do pretty much believe properly - or at least be almost certain that there's something afterwards - i'm noticing that i'm starting to think in a way that isn't that healthy.
I seem to have lost the fear - and the fear is a good thing because the uncertainty has saved me a few times.
Not in recent years sure - i have plenty of things to do right now.. and i hope to continue to have plenty of things to do.. but what happens if i don't..when i don't anymore?
what happens in a few years time when I don't have someone relying on me to take care of them.. what happens if at that point i fall into depression and just decide not to keep fighting.

The thing is - i do now believe in an after.. though i don't believe that i'll remember this one.. and i don't know exactly what is after.. hopefully i'll be a person rather than a fly or something, but what if one day, the what if looks more appealing than the now.?
because i can see that happening

I'm not entirely sure what I believe really, except that I do believe in an after of some kind.
and not just believe either.. 'know'.

How can it just be this and nothing more? that doesn't make sense to me.

The world exists only within the mind of the person that sees it.. is conscious of it being so.
So when we die, if there's nothing afterwards.. just darkness - or a simple absence of anything, then the world as I.. as you perceive it right now, no longer exists.
For me the world will no longer be anything and that doesn't make sense to me - my consciousness can't just end and not be there.. be here anymore.

Like sleeping and dreaming - when you sleep you live the lives of a hundred different people.. you might be a male or you might be a female.. you might even be a cat or dog, a bird or tree.
But you resurface in the morning after your night-time adventures and you re-connect with your body.. your reality and you continue your life.
and so it is likely to be afterwards as well - in your dreams you just live a different life with different memories and hopes and dreams.. so it is with reincarnation as far as i'm concerned - you fall asleep in this perception of the world for the last time and awake in another with no memory of what came before.

Meh.. i'm likely making no sense i know but it makes sense to me - it makes far more sense that there being nothing afterwards..

Perhaps a bit of an odd blog entry but, i'm writing it anyway (:

I had a really horrible day on Saturday - I thought i was okay until i tried to go to the town and do some food shopping - total disaster, i should have hibernated instead.. it's just that i felt decent until i was actually outside, on the bus and on the way there already.

Today I needed to go to town again and was anxious about trying it after the disaster on Sat - but today was really nice.. I felt confident, calm, enjoyed myself and am really glad i went.
Not so much that the trip was amazing, but more the fact that when i compare it to Sat, it was such a relief to feel normal while i was there..
I smiled all the way round - didn't even feel awkward at the tills.

Hopefully this means that i'm okay now - i do just need to remember not to push myself.. one thing that i've learned over the years though.. I need to take each day as it comes.