It feels like "I" am coming out of some bizarre nightmare...who am I? I dunno. A different "primary" of sorts. I guess I can kinda see now why he thought he needed to be on psychostimulants...without them I am just "gone." But it sucks...I don't feel "good" being on them. Not now. He is dependent on others, unsure of himself, scared and lacking in confidence. And I give him respite from this...he can depend on me.

But it isn't enough.

If I had my way, he'd have chosen to deal with the situation like an adult last Wednesday. They wouldn't have screwed up.

If I had my way, he'd have rather contemplated on how fortunate he really was that she (and others) loved him enough to tolerate his $#%^. Now he has to accept that his actions destroyed the most important thing we had going for us. Whether the "kid" did it or not, he is responsible for that behavior and just doesn't seem to grasp how HIS, the host's actions led up to this point. Hindsight has never been 20/20. When life throws something crazy at him that he can't handle, sometimes he just becomes the bull in the China shop.

Is that completely his fault, that he is so maladapted to life? Nah. Not completely. We did pretty much have to fend for ourselves as children. Our parents did not set the best example for us where living like healthy responsible adults was concerned. But it's like he is just in denial of it.

If I had my way he would've set his stubbornness aside and listened to her when she pleaded with him to look for another solution to the depressive episode he was starting to go through.

But where do *I* get off preaching to him? I mean I will admit I AM on drugs. They are prescribed, but...do I have a leg to stand on? I don't even exist without stimulants. I get to be the adult here but I am also a shameful hypocrite by virtue of my existence.

One day at a time...we will figure it out.

Boss