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Hurt a girls feelings. by Apocallcaps on Sun Jul 24, 2011 12:23 pm
My ex in a sense ended up being my caregiver, and I've come to learn that this is common -- loved ones and everyone around the borderline, including life-partners, becoming their caregivers. The medication I've taken for 7 years was covered in the US for Bipolar I & II, the first and only other medication to be indicated and covered for Bipolar since Lithium is not covered for Bipolar in Australia so while with my ex I got it off-label,.. that is I got paid for privately and that's $105.00 for the generic.
Now living on my own on New Start Allowance --soon to be graduated to disability-- I saw no other choice but to go off of it and get on a medication covered by both the public heathcare system as well as my discount card which I get -- so, dirt cheap. I can't take Lithium nor antipsychotics (not anymore, I began to develop TD which means you're off antipsychotics for life after that) so my options were limited. Valporex was covered, though, so I gave it a try even though I was highly skeptical and I knew it had in no way been shown to help BPD and I knew for certain it does nothing for depression as Lamictal does. Not only was it horrible, but it did nothing. So I then tried taking one of the few antidepressant I can take, but without a moodstabilizer this time and it made me nuts.
Mostly I was/got confused, I wasn't reading things right, didn't handle it right and couldn't seem to word things the right way that would have otherwise made things clearer. I normally just would have said "I relate to this and this, but not to this and this" etc...
I got worried about how I'd look -- more like I panicked. I realized I may have falsely represented myself and given a false impression to an entire audience. It had nothing to do with my feelings or view of her -- she can't help the way in which she's disorder anymore than I or anyone else can help the ways in which we are disorder. The only important factor is that we're all working on changing it; that is, recovering.
I like her, and was hoping to be her friend -- not only do I believe I've blown that but I hurt someone that I actually relate to on some levels (just not all, that's all) and I also hurt someone who I know has felt enough hurt in her life already.
I'd never deliberately do anything like that to someone who has done nothing to me. Even if someone had done something to me, rarely would I ever deliberately be that cruel.
I hope she reads this. I'd send her a message and try to heal any hurt and/or damage I may have caused--the only thing holding me back is I feel I may have turned myself into a trigger for her and I don't want to make it worse.
This event was actually a key factor in my decision making to go back on Lamictal and work out a way to afford it at any cost until one day --hopefully soon-- it wont be at such a great cost.
And anyway, I don't plan on being on disability forever--I want to go back to school and finish the 4 year course I've already begun and completed 2 years of. Additionally, appropriate medication may well be crucial to that aim.
Ultimately it isn't about me; I emotionally harmed a vulnerable woman and I hope she's ok -- and if it still hurts I wish nothing more than to somehow heal her heart. She doesn't deserve to hurt anymore, none of us do. I think we've all had enough!
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