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old blogs by lostinsarahtopia on Mon Aug 22, 2011 3:14 am
Nov 16, 2008
so complex is the human mind and yet we take it for granted every day. i have been going through my life without actually living it.....why? because of fear. what is it that creates fear and do we really need it? I'm not for sure what would be worse for me living with it or without. this is daily life for me: wake up afraid of of the biting cold that is outside of my warm blankets knowing that once i get out its too late to go back under, the sheets have already cooled. i walk around the house afraid to take a shower because the spiders are surely going to crawl out of the drain, the cracks, the folds of the washcloth i am about to use, and they would crawl all over my naked skin and i wouldnt be able to do anything. i hold in the need to pee for fear that someone is behind the curtain of the shower or in the closet or out the window watching me si i look there to make sure and if i forget to look then the entire time im rocking back and forth freaking out thinking of whether i would want to know if they were there or not. and i decide that its too late, they saw me pee and if i find them there then surely it would br awkward between us for the rest of our lives so i pretend they arent there when i know somewhere inside of me that there was no one to begin with but my mind will never fully realize that. i finally take a shower after putting it off long enough and the entire time i believe i hear the bathroom door open even if i know i locked it so i will peek my head out to make sure and then feel that someone is behind me so i make sure i keep my back in a corner the whole shower. i dry off with my back in the same corner while keeping watch on the entire bathroom to make sure that im not just looking over the person hiding in there even though there is nowhere for them to hide. i run to my room and search my room to make sure no one is in there either. then i get dressed feeling someones eyes on me the entire time so my mind races and comes up with an entire storyline of who is watching me, why they are there and how i react to finding out that i wasnt crazy that there was someone there all along. and for a moment its really happening, my storyline became true right before my very eyes and then i realize its another crazy mirage and i shake myself out of it. i wont even let an animal see me naked usually. i walk around the house avoiding everyones eyes thinking that the moment i lock eyes with someone they would be able to read my thoughts and realize im crazy or hear an embarrassing thought that would never let us be the same around eachother again. so i create another storyline for who hears my thoughts, what thoughts they would be and how we react to it and once again im living it until i shake myself out of it again for fear that they would hear the thoughts about them reading my thoughts which are somehow worse. so i try to drown out my own thoughts by watching t.v., reading a book, listening to music, or hanging out with people. so then im afraid the entire time that the thoughts would come back which is a thought itself so therefore it didnt work. im afraid to step out of the house thinking ill slip and hit my head on the front walk, illcrash my car or run out of gas and get raped or beaten.....a thousand different scenarios run through my head at the thought of going outside. so i try to face my fear and go anyways, so then it goes to driving fears, ill get pulled over and get arrested for something that probably isnt even illegal but my mind doesnt know that. ill run off a bridge and plunge into the water below and drown because i couldnt get out of my seatbelt in time, i can already feel the pressure of the water upon me and i am now lost forever never to be found again in the inky blackness. a road sign will fall upon me and the car and i can already see th swerving and the cussing as i try to avoid it and everyone around me doing the same....some succeed, some dont, and im...
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