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Hurt a girls feelings. by Apocallcaps on Sun Jul 24, 2011 12:23 pm
My ex in a sense ended up being my caregiver, and I've come to learn that this is common -- loved ones and everyone around the borderline, including life-partners, becoming their caregivers. The medication I've taken for 7 years was covered in the US for Bipolar I & II, the first and only other medication to be indicated and covered for Bipolar since Lithium is not covered for Bipolar in Australia so while with my ex I got it off-label,.. that is I got paid for privately and that's $105.00 for the generic.

Now living on my own on New Start Allowance --soon to be graduated to disability-- I saw no other choice but to go off of it and get on a medication covered by both the public heathcare system as well as my discount card which I get -- so, dirt cheap. I can't take Lithium nor antipsychotics (not anymore, I began to develop TD which means you're off antipsychotics for life after that) so my options were limited. Valporex was covered, though, so I gave it a try even though I was highly skeptical and I knew it had in no way been shown to help BPD and I knew for certain it does nothing for depression as Lamictal does. Not only was it horrible, but it did nothing. So I then tried taking one of the few antidepressant I can take, but without a moodstabilizer this time and it made me nuts.

Mostly I was/got confused, I wasn't reading things right, didn't handle it right and couldn't seem to word things the right way that would have otherwise made things clearer. I normally just would have said "I relate to this and this, but not to this and this" etc...

I got worried about how I'd look -- more like I panicked. I realized I may have falsely represented myself and given a false impression to an entire audience. It had nothing to do with my feelings or view of her -- she can't help the way in which she's disorder anymore than I or anyone else can help the ways in which we are disorder. The only important factor is that we're all working on changing it; that is, recovering.

I like her, and was hoping to be her friend -- not only do I believe I've blown that but I hurt someone that I actually relate to on some levels (just not all, that's all) and I also hurt someone who I know has felt enough hurt in her life already.

I'd never deliberately do anything like that to someone who has done nothing to me. Even if someone had done something to me, rarely would I ever deliberately be that cruel.

I hope she reads this. I'd send her a message and try to heal any hurt and/or damage I may have caused--the only thing holding me back is I feel I may have turned myself into a trigger for her and I don't want to make it worse.

This event was actually a key factor in my decision making to go back on Lamictal and work out a way to afford it at any cost until one day --hopefully soon-- it wont be at such a great cost.

And anyway, I don't plan on being on disability forever--I want to go back to school and finish the 4 year course I've already begun and completed 2 years of. Additionally, appropriate medication may well be crucial to that aim.

Ultimately it isn't about me; I emotionally harmed a vulnerable woman and I hope she's ok -- and if it still hurts I wish nothing more than to somehow heal her heart. She doesn't deserve to hurt anymore, none of us do. I think we've all had enough!

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things are looking better by jody on Wed Oct 29, 2014 7:13 pm
if you ever read my posts you will see i have a transgender issue. well the psyc doc has said if i stay stable on this new med he will refere me to a gender clinic. i want to be stable before i undertake...

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I complain too much. by DesLock on Wed Oct 29, 2014 12:29 am
I was speaking to a Bulgarian student today after a lecture. He was going on about how the UK is so fair with its free NHS, its fantastic education and free meals for kids. He was so taken aback by the...

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Arts for fun by Baldwiniclust on Tue Oct 28, 2014 1:11 am
I started painting on my walls for a fun way to express myself and to help me replace some habits I find somehow useless. (have no study what so ever in painting or drawing)
So I start out doing, pretty...

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From the bumbler by xod_s on Mon Oct 27, 2014 5:07 am
"A poem is true if it hangs together.Information points to something else.A poem points to nothing else"-E.M Forster,"Two cheers for democracy" (1951) .

This "Gorillaz vs. The...

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I love my life by star dust on Mon Oct 27, 2014 4:43 am
My Mum just said to me in an evil, hostile, nasty way 'I'm gunna hang myself because of you! I'm gunna do it. When you least expect it. You won't even see it coming but don't worry, I'll do it.'


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Re: things are looking better by Ada on Wed Oct 29, 2014 7:29 pm
Good luck, jody! I hope things do stabilise quickly.

Re: I think I love someone I should'nt...? by Nick123 on Mon Oct 27, 2014 9:36 pm
I don't think there is anything wrong with falling in love with either boys or girls. If this makes you feel right, you should go with it, I think. You seem to be feeling very well about this, try not...

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Re: ME by star dust on Fri Oct 24, 2014 4:17 pm
[quote="C-standard9"]Hey star dust, thanks for sharing! Im looking forward to the next update. Theres always bits and pieces we can all relate to, but Id be lying if I said we have the same story....

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Re: Can't stop hating me. by Ada on Thu Oct 23, 2014 8:52 pm
Fixing people isn't like fixing a broken car. The act of trying to improve something says we're human. Take an Olympic athlete. They constantly try to improve even though they're better at their event...

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Re: Self diagnosed BDD, nobody takes it seriously by Ada on Thu Oct 23, 2014 8:43 pm
You don't need to talk to your family about it if you don't want. Seeing a therapist can be done in total privacy. It's worth confirming with them in advance. But usually they won't give any information...

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