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Sexual compulsion TW: abuse by wasp_rainbowarrior on Thu Sep 19, 2013 12:41 am
Today I was in the park, and i love taking alternative routes. I saw this guy going into the woods and i thought "that's nice, i didn't know that alternate path", so i followed him inside. He walked a little slow and one time he stopped to pee (i thought it was a little weird but nothing very inappropriate, men do that all the time (i'm also male, so it wasn't threatening or anything). so i just walked past him and took a trail for this place no one goes to, but it's the prettiest place in the park, with butterflies and a little river and flowers. then the guy appeared. i thought "ok, he also followed me, he must be an unknown path enthusiast too". when he came near me, he stood like 10 feet away from me for some time as if he was enjoying the view of the lake. then, out of nothing, he pulls out his penis like he was going to pee again - that's when i got alarmed - and started masturbating. i picked up my things and left quickly.

i didn't find him not even a little bit sexually attractive. he was weird and the age of my dad. i'm very very scared of stds. i also panic with physical contact. however, at the time he pulled out his penis i immediately got hard and felt like i HAD to do something sexual with him. this conflict between my fears, my morals, and my sexual desire is what made me leave trembling, wanting to cry and desperately craving to talk with somebody. i called my friend, but i told her nothing of my sexual desires. it happened hours ago, and until now i get this really weird feeling from not wanting anything with the guy and being aroused at the same time.

i wonder if this happened because i was abused as a child. also, everytime a guy that age comes near me in other contexts i begin to think he wants to rape me. my abuser was very younger, he had just become and adult. i'm terrified of sexual contact with people i know. all my sexual activity consists of online cam sex-chatting with faceless strangers. the only reason i don't schedule sexual dates with strangers is because i'm terrified of rape, STDs and what would happen if someone found out.

i'll keep this blog as a journal, for i am afraid to write anywhere else. i think it will help me a lot.

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my suicide note by thefool on Tue Oct 21, 2014 7:25 am
I am suffering more pain that one can endure
Please help me believe that there has to be a cure
I have somehow climbed inside the deepest part of mind
To the darkest place I could find
Is anybody out there?...

[ Continued ]

1 Comment Viewed 25 times
Why I love my children.. by trophywife on Mon Oct 20, 2014 10:11 pm
My children are kind.
My children are silly.
My children are witty.
My children love and respect nature.
My children are pretty radical badasses.
My children are smart.
My children love me.
My children...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 19 times
What I learned from men... by trophywife on Mon Oct 20, 2014 3:32 pm
What I learned from men:

1- I value you because you are pretty.
2- I devalue you because you are pretty.

3- I expect you to be flirty, bubbly and "perform on cue"
4- I expect you to NOT to...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 19 times
My Activity :: by Tululaboo on Mon Oct 20, 2014 12:15 pm
Recently I have not been as active as I would like to be on here but this is due to me trying to move home, my grandad is terminally ill and it is him and his wife that took in my cousin when his mum committed...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 14 times
I cut again after almost a year by chickko_ 5 on Mon Oct 20, 2014 7:42 am
I got into a fight with my parents today and I cut a lot because I hadn't in a really long time. I did a lot of small cuts and accidentally did one big *mod edit- cut* on the side of my forearm and not...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 60 times
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Re: my suicide note by thefool on Tue Oct 21, 2014 7:25 am
*not followed through.

Re: World by DesLock on Sat Oct 18, 2014 12:47 pm
How long did you get for it?

Hi Riley by MomofDID on Fri Oct 17, 2014 1:35 am
Hi Riley, I am a Mom of a 14 year old with DID. I just wanted to say Hi to you. You remind me of N's little Kylie. She is 5-6 and likes to dkip,play barbies & oreos. Big hugs to you & know that...

[ Continued ]

Re: ME by C-standard9 on Wed Oct 15, 2014 4:20 pm
Hey star dust, thanks for sharing! Im looking forward to the next update. Theres always bits and pieces we can all relate to, but Id be lying if I said we have the same story. Anyway, keep on truckin....

[ Continued ]

Re: ME by star dust on Wed Oct 15, 2014 8:46 am
Wow. I really did write a lot last night! I am going to continue later. I want to write until there are no thoughts left in my head.

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