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Mental health vs. physical health by floatingtree on Mon Oct 01, 2012 8:45 pm
I've been sick for a few days. I must have eaten something which disagreed with me. For a while it was nice to lie in bed, in physical rather than emotional pain. To know that just lying here is the right thing to do at the moment.
I spend so much time just feeling guilty and crappy about myself and my life, or feeling annoyed at other people and society. What's the point? At the moment I see the futility in this behaviour, but I'm bound to be miserable again from force of habit.
(Most of the rest of this post is general ranting)
A summary of school: learn whatever stuff we tell you to learn. Fear mistakes. Fear deadlines. Everything is fear. There is no inspiration or motivation here. Don't contradict me.
A summary of work: your training is about covering our own asses. We don't care about you. We only care about you to the extent that you are profitable. But you have to act like you care deeply about us.
Even if you do a little job for someone - mowing a lawn or whatever. You're fulfilling a basic need, and getting a simple reward, but there's such an awkwardness in the money transaction. Yet our jobs summarise our entire personhood - he's a shop assistant, she's a lawyer, he's unemployed.
I'm always thinking, I'll find a job that suits me.. that doesn't take years of college.. And I sit in front of a computer and procrastinate, or occasionally have an "episode". Or just sit there, paralysed.
I do hobbies. I occasionally try and do creative stuff, but I usually feel guilty and end up doing what I've described in the previous paragraph.
Can I solve this problem? Maybe I can't. And it's hard to ask for help. And other people's advice tends to be wildly inappropriate anyway.
I guess I rejected society at quite a young age, partly because much of society rejected me. You probably know the story: kid is unhappy at school, gets bullied, grades go down, teachers start to dislike kid, meanwhile kid's parents are miserable and fighting all the time, kid retreats into fantasy world.
School ended ten years ago. But still, that program is running in my mind - despise authority, life is bleak and pointless, do not comply!
I can make new programs, but I've still got that one running away, like a trojan horse or whatever. Maybe blaming past miseries is a mistake. Maybe my problems are innate, or merely exacerbated by bad experiences.
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