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19 by arandomname on Fri May 18, 2012 2:46 am
Ok so ^^

This is pretty cool.

I've just read some of the comments on my previous blog entries.

Makes me feel a little bit better. Or well more normal somehow. Like... understood... partly...

Uhm yeah the question was about what had really happened?

Basically really really small stuff...

[perhaps triggering:]
I've got the feeling as if my mum set me up in some kind of scenario where I would... uhm stroke her breast... through telling me that one of our cats was underneath her shirt (wich they tended to do regularly so... nothing... serious). But uhm then I found out... after a couple of seconds thinking I was petting the cat and after having been encouraged (I believe... that's the scenario I'm affraid of but I don't actually know what is was like EXACTLY... but... like the details... intention and stuff like that... body language... the things that were said exactly) to pet at that particular spot... she told me I was in the wrong place... and that felt as if she was blaming me for what had happened...

It's like she first took a little bit of time to enjoy it before she told me I was in the wrong spot. And then it was like thunder struck my head... TOTAL STRESS... me being quiet and freezing... right in the spot... perhaps continueing with petting there for a second out of disbelief but I don't know about that... because my mind was on zero... Then I went upstairs... disturbed... ashamed... but it was seriously disturbing. Disturbing is the word. Shame didn't work anymore. I couldn't shame myself out of this stuff... it was seriously disturbing...

[end... of the potentially triggering part]

It has already gone too far.

And there's stuff with my dad that went too far. Wich made me just too incomfortable and it was disturbing enough for me to uhm... act on it... and... to make sure things didn't escalate.

That's the point.

That's perhaps the most damaging of all. I don't know if any of the stuff really is abuse. It's just that I felt forced to put up a shield. To protect myself. That's not good. I would only do that if I thought it was necessarry. They made me distrust them. This abused my trust in them. They spilled it.

And seriously with my dad it's just a matter of strength... aggression... stuff like that etc... because that's the position he was in. I feel like I have to retaliate for it.

And I blame myself for what has happened with my mum and me... somewhat...

But along with that... there's so much more. The reason why I've been born... and like what was going on at that point in time. My grandpa (mum's dad) died a few months before of cancer... or well he had to be uhm yeah... artificial because else it could turn out to become extremely painfull... terror... and death in the end anyway... so he died an artificial death... (syringe and stuff)... and apparently he was a really nice man and my mum was really... and still is like... it's like she adores him or something... like everything about him was really good apparently. He was funny... uhm... oh I can't even think about it really. I have already thought about stuff like maybe my parents got abused too so I can't really think clearly about my grandpa because I already suspect things of him towards my mum she might still uhm have... suppressed or something like that.

But that means like my mum could've gotten really really sad at that moment in time. And I don't rule out that perhaps my dad has been furious at her during the whole pregnancy because it makes me think sometimes he regretted the pregnancy. Especially because the reason... for why they have gotten kids... uhm my mum said... was because I had such a good nice funny grandpa that could get along with kids really well and everything. Also pets but yeah that's irrelevant. So they wanted... somehow... to uhm... want us to get to know him while it was still possible. I don't know. Something with uhm either my grandpa being able to see us... the next generation... or the other way around... although...

[ Continued ]

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transgender by jody on Mon Jan 26, 2015 1:11 am
i have been thinking today about my transgender feelings. exposing them was the best and worse thing i have done. its the best because it was driving me mad what i felt and whether it was fantasy or fact...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 44 times
First Blog Post - Notes from a Rough Day by Nondescript on Sun Jan 25, 2015 8:29 pm
I have been starting a blog elsewhere, but I'm afraid I won't use it and it's a hassle to set blogs up. So I'll try here first. While I would like to say this blog will be fun to read and well organized,...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 43 times
sanity keepers by shivaatlantis on Sun Jan 25, 2015 1:57 pm
Going to be running for the door soon. Music is my sanity most days lately. I have never seemed to benefit from therapy because my posse protects me so well. So I gave up and decided to use that money...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 34 times
oh i retook some sex tests by snaga2.0 on Sun Jan 25, 2015 5:20 am
No change. Some UK governmental site said I was either hetero with homo leanings, or homo with hetero leanings, but then I got an extra hetero bonus point so I guess it's hetero/homo.

A Kinsey test put...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 59 times
lest every blog be gloom and doom... by snaga2.0 on Sun Jan 25, 2015 5:13 am
.....

Well, actually, I have this pain under my arm and am obsessing about my favorite fear, cancer....

Wonderful being obsessive compulsive.

Other than that it's been a good day. Didn't get much done...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 59 times
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Re: Lost Souls by anne _eyes on Sat Jan 24, 2015 9:30 pm
You are going to get through this Hewie, don't give up ok !!!!!!!!!

Re: Who I Am by LoveAndHealz on Thu Jan 22, 2015 10:29 pm
Haven't figured out how to edit this.

Paragraph 2, Line 2 should read:
"I'm also here [...] preventing children from experiencing this pain."

Re: me so...... by Ada on Wed Jan 21, 2015 9:27 pm
Doesn't seem in the least bit silly to me. You're hacking your sexuality, that's cool.

Re: Waiting for meds to fully work by runner two on Mon Jan 19, 2015 12:48 am
Thank you for responding, do you have a suggestion as to which forum would fit my question?

Re: Kind of an update by xod_s on Sun Jan 18, 2015 9:49 pm
As unlively as my life is,as complain-y as I can be at times, I still want to strive for a "normal" life and living quarters even if that makes me no less exiciting. For me,things are aggravating...

[ Continued ]

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