Random Blog Entry
19 by arandomname on Fri May 18, 2012 2:46 am
Ok so ^^
This is pretty cool.
I've just read some of the comments on my previous blog entries.
Makes me feel a little bit better. Or well more normal somehow. Like... understood... partly...
Uhm yeah the question was about what had really happened?
Basically really really small stuff...
I've got the feeling as if my mum set me up in some kind of scenario where I would... uhm stroke her breast... through telling me that one of our cats was underneath her shirt (wich they tended to do regularly so... nothing... serious). But uhm then I found out... after a couple of seconds thinking I was petting the cat and after having been encouraged (I believe... that's the scenario I'm affraid of but I don't actually know what is was like EXACTLY... but... like the details... intention and stuff like that... body language... the things that were said exactly) to pet at that particular spot... she told me I was in the wrong place... and that felt as if she was blaming me for what had happened...
It's like she first took a little bit of time to enjoy it before she told me I was in the wrong spot. And then it was like thunder struck my head... TOTAL STRESS... me being quiet and freezing... right in the spot... perhaps continueing with petting there for a second out of disbelief but I don't know about that... because my mind was on zero... Then I went upstairs... disturbed... ashamed... but it was seriously disturbing. Disturbing is the word. Shame didn't work anymore. I couldn't shame myself out of this stuff... it was seriously disturbing...
[end... of the potentially triggering part]
It has already gone too far.
And there's stuff with my dad that went too far. Wich made me just too incomfortable and it was disturbing enough for me to uhm... act on it... and... to make sure things didn't escalate.
That's the point.
That's perhaps the most damaging of all. I don't know if any of the stuff really is abuse. It's just that I felt forced to put up a shield. To protect myself. That's not good. I would only do that if I thought it was necessarry. They made me distrust them. This abused my trust in them. They spilled it.
And seriously with my dad it's just a matter of strength... aggression... stuff like that etc... because that's the position he was in. I feel like I have to retaliate for it.
And I blame myself for what has happened with my mum and me... somewhat...
But along with that... there's so much more. The reason why I've been born... and like what was going on at that point in time. My grandpa (mum's dad) died a few months before of cancer... or well he had to be uhm yeah... artificial because else it could turn out to become extremely painfull... terror... and death in the end anyway... so he died an artificial death... (syringe and stuff)... and apparently he was a really nice man and my mum was really... and still is like... it's like she adores him or something... like everything about him was really good apparently. He was funny... uhm... oh I can't even think about it really. I have already thought about stuff like maybe my parents got abused too so I can't really think clearly about my grandpa because I already suspect things of him towards my mum she might still uhm have... suppressed or something like that.
But that means like my mum could've gotten really really sad at that moment in time. And I don't rule out that perhaps my dad has been furious at her during the whole pregnancy because it makes me think sometimes he regretted the pregnancy. Especially because the reason... for why they have gotten kids... uhm my mum said... was because I had such a good nice funny grandpa that could get along with kids really well and everything. Also pets but yeah that's irrelevant. So they wanted... somehow... to uhm... want us to get to know him while it was still possible. I don't know. Something with uhm either my grandpa being able to see us... the next generation... or the other way around... although...
[ Continued ]
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