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Sexual compulsion TW: abuse by wasp_rainbowarrior on Thu Sep 19, 2013 12:41 am
Today I was in the park, and i love taking alternative routes. I saw this guy going into the woods and i thought "that's nice, i didn't know that alternate path", so i followed him inside. He walked a little slow and one time he stopped to pee (i thought it was a little weird but nothing very inappropriate, men do that all the time (i'm also male, so it wasn't threatening or anything). so i just walked past him and took a trail for this place no one goes to, but it's the prettiest place in the park, with butterflies and a little river and flowers. then the guy appeared. i thought "ok, he also followed me, he must be an unknown path enthusiast too". when he came near me, he stood like 10 feet away from me for some time as if he was enjoying the view of the lake. then, out of nothing, he pulls out his penis like he was going to pee again - that's when i got alarmed - and started masturbating. i picked up my things and left quickly.
i didn't find him not even a little bit sexually attractive. he was weird and the age of my dad. i'm very very scared of stds. i also panic with physical contact. however, at the time he pulled out his penis i immediately got hard and felt like i HAD to do something sexual with him. this conflict between my fears, my morals, and my sexual desire is what made me leave trembling, wanting to cry and desperately craving to talk with somebody. i called my friend, but i told her nothing of my sexual desires. it happened hours ago, and until now i get this really weird feeling from not wanting anything with the guy and being aroused at the same time.
i wonder if this happened because i was abused as a child. also, everytime a guy that age comes near me in other contexts i begin to think he wants to rape me. my abuser was very younger, he had just become and adult. i'm terrified of sexual contact with people i know. all my sexual activity consists of online cam sex-chatting with faceless strangers. the only reason i don't schedule sexual dates with strangers is because i'm terrified of rape, STDs and what would happen if someone found out.
i'll keep this blog as a journal, for i am afraid to write anywhere else. i think it will help me a lot.
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