I woke up at 4 a.m. because I had fallen asleep so early. At 8 p.m. I feel great! I took the Latuda pill early and so it knocked me out. I don't usually take it at 7 p.m. Everyone is asleep and the only one who wakes up with the noise I make is the puppy, Krypto. He is such a light sleeper. I am going back in time and looking at my manic states, my depressive states, and wondering how in the hell did I make it without any medical help. These days I panic if I feel myself falling into another depression. I am afraid of being depressed for days on end. I dread that when it comes into my life again. Which inevitably it will. It’s the nature of the illness. But for now I am as stable as ever. It’s still hard for me to laugh so easily. I am my quiet self. What is different is I seem to get angry so easily. Being stable feels like I have my head screwed on right. I am more level-headed about money. I seem to refrain in spending recklessly with much more control than before.

I am still having a hard time making it to church. Going to church used to make me feel so good in the past. I felt I had been faithful to God and to the faith in the best way possible. Now, ever since I got so depressed and since I was diagnosed Bipolar, I see God and the faith in a different light. I still see it as good. But like it doesn’t apply to me, since I can go from a high manic state to a low depressive state. I mean that I can be in two different moods at different times, and I don’t quite feel God so close or I can feel him too close. Being stable has me staying distant from him, but still wanting Him to take care of me. Like I want Him to understand that I am not well sometimes and I can barely function or take in the Gospel. Since I am not manic often, I want HIm to also to know I am out of control and can do crazy things when I am not myself in my right state of mind. For God, understanding me is doable, because He knows everything. For another person other than my husband, I think it can seem impossible to be so understanding. I am afraid of being rejected. And if history serves me right, I’d rather stay in my comfort zone than ever take that risk. Rejection of my very self is too painful. I’d rather stay alone without friends and die alone than risk my reputation or my feelings than seek others out. Besides, I don’t feel alone. My few friends are all I need. They may not know everything about me or me and my illness, but they know enough to show they care. That's all that matters.