Well, here I am.

My name is AJ, and this is my blog. I'm going to try to update it every day, but we will see how that goes, given the fact that this week is dead week at my university and next week is finals week...but yeah. I just figured this would be a good place to maybe vent and just talk about things, where I know for sure no one I know in real life would see what I'm going through and stuff.

So...I'm not really sure where to start on this, though I suppose I'll just say a little about myself? Yeah... So as I said above, my name is AJ. My pronouns are they/them or he/him. I am 19 years old and am currently attending an instate university in order to obtain a degree in Library Sciences. And the reason I am here is because I have OCD.

I have been unofficially diagnosed with OCD three times now, but am researching clinics in my hometown in order to obtain an official diagnosis this summer. I have been affected by these symptoms for as long as I can remember, especially the cleaning, the hoarding, and the intrusive thoughts. Somehow, I have managed to get almost used to everything, so that it hardly effects me anymore...until I become introspective and see how my symptoms have caused my life to go to $#%^, that is.

I don't know how much counseling I will do or if I will end up taking medication at this point, because I have become so used to my symptoms and my obsessions and compulsions that living without them or with them being manageable seems scary...but I suppose we will see how this develops.

In other news, I had a mental breakdown today because I had actually convinced myself I have BPD and was panicking because I was sure I was faking the symptoms and that people would see me as just a faker...but yeah, it's kind of odd, because I /know/ these symptoms are real, but I don't know whether they are just a biproduct of my OCD, something I have developed from past trauma, or the actual personality disorder......but I suppose I will have to wait and see, since dwelling on it will do no good (not that that will stop me, since I dwell on /everything/). Ironically, in my panic, one of the major symptoms that made me initially begin considering BPD a couple years back made its appearance, because I super impulsively signed up for an online counseling service, thinking they would be able to diagnose me. After I calmed down, I realized that they couldn't, and immediately filed for a refund. Luckily I got the whole $200 back, because holy $#%^, I am a poor college student that needs that money to survive...like what the hell was I thinking?!

I also was panicking a lot earlier because I felt very fat (I still kind of do) so I only ate crackers today. Clearly I am the epitome of mental and physical health.

I realize this blog post was kind of all over the place and didn't make a lot of sense, but I suppose it's a start! Hopefully this isn't an impulsive decision on my part that will cause me to make a few posts before giving up (as I do with nearly everything). Anyway, I'll make another post tomorrow after I finish my dreaded English presentation!

Gnight!

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