Well, here I am- after debating it when I would rather have been sleeping at 2am and a bit of encouragement later... I'm taking the leap and starting a blog. Woohoo I'm new to this blogging thing but giving it a shot. If I say anything that shouldn't be posted, please explain why. Kindness if possible would be appreciated -I'm not that great with criticism.
The rant begins...
So, I haven't been sleeping very much for the past week. I had an extra week of leave and it was something like a use it or lose it scenario. Not sure I chose best. Have basically holed myself up at home doing nothing really, not eating properly, and been falling back into dark thoughts and urges. Haven't given in to those, so yay me.
Just came back from holiday with the BF. Desperately needed it and kept having to wait for his work commitments to be clarified so that we could go. Not his fault really, but I did wish he could be more assertive seeing as we hadn't taken leave for over a year. Had a really nasty fight with him then. I was exhausted. When we finally went, it wasn't like I thought it would be. His family was coming along for a week too, and as such we ended up doing work in the house for a few days straight to prep for their arrival and then what they wanted to do. When we were finally alone the weather turned bad. Felt like such a waste, and it took me ages to switch off from work-mode. I think I had my hopes set on it being like last time. I'm usually much better at managing my hopes and protecting myself from such disappointment. Stupid.
So we're back for the past week, and I am feeling fat from all the holiday food and down and hence the not eating. I am trying to hide it from dear old BF but he may be suspecting because last night he asked me flat out what I ate all day. So I told him- coffee. We left dinner quite late, and I hate eating that late, so had chocolate instead. I think that may have eased his concerns a bit. I've been trying to show him that I'm ok, make sure I shower and get dressed etc before he comes home, stay in bed until morning even though I've woken up at stupid o' clock with my mind racing about, also tried to make sure I've done some sort of chore around the house and all that. Need to try harder. I don't want to worry him, he deserves better.
I'm back at work on Monday, so things should be better then. Or easier to hide.