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owlandeaglexx
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- March 2012
I just can't do this anymore
   Sat Mar 24, 2012 2:41 am
Dissociation and Violence
   Tue Mar 20, 2012 9:05 am

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I just can't do this anymore

Permanent Linkby owlandeaglexx on Sat Mar 24, 2012 2:41 am

Here I go, losing control
Watch me slip down the rabbit hole
One more step, I'll be gone

Last night they gave me an IMI because I was "aggressive" and swearing. And I told one nurse a long story of how my brother used to ###$ me, and so because of that they're not letting me have leave. Just another potent example of me ######6 things up by trusting people. It's all a lie though, but for once they believe me. Ironic really. I slept all of today. In my dreams...

I'm desperate to escape this reality. Sacrifices are necessary in the attainment of peace. Happiness. I need drugs.

I need drugs.

And I'm not even an addict yet.
Stop the world, stop the world, I wanna get off. I don't want to play this game anymore.I don't want to be a part of this! I just want to sleep. Sleep forever.
SLEEP FOREVER
Sacrifices are necessary in the process of getting what one wants. I will die to achieve it.
My heart's broken, it was never whole.
A little baby, gazing out at the world with those new eyes. And it's all a waste.

It's all a waste.

My life is ###$. And I've just realized someone took my flowers. My source of hope, the purest source apart from the promise of crystal meth. I don't mind sacrificing my body for crystal. I need it. I want it to control me. Nothing good in my life has ever happened except coming to this ward, and now even that's turned on me. I'm imprisoned in this place, locked inside smiles and promises of "I'm fine". Please, don't disappear. I wanna leave but I never wanna leave.
I want someone to protect me, share my body warmth gazing up at the pepper-spray of stars in the night sky. My body is a cage. Lying in the sun, feel the warmth on my skin. I'm just huddled in my little hole, underneath the bed where all the monsters sleep. I want someone to care. I want someone to care.

Alex says he'll protect me. How can he? How can anyone? If someone really wants to die they will eventually find a way of doing it, in the end.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

I'm too exhausted to write the rest. Tear stains on my pillow on my paper.
This is the song that gets me through: Bonfire - Memoryhouse.
Stop the world, stop the world, I wanna get off.
All hope lost.

I want to be pure. I want to forget, but all I do is remember. I want to remember, but all I can do is forget.
A life wasted. It wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be. All that potential, wasted. A whole life, a lifetime. Wasted. What is it that is so tragic about a teen suicide?

I just can't do this anymore.

My life is truly ###$.

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Dissociation and Violence

Permanent Linkby owlandeaglexx on Tue Mar 20, 2012 9:05 am

Last Wednesday, a week ago, I got into one of my moods of totally unbearable loneliness. This happens often and I'm used to it, but it's terribly acute. In a frenzy I tried to ring all of my few friends and most of them weren't available or couldn't talk. (Hmmm!) I was crying totally hysterically for ages, but most of it I don't remember.

The next bit I definitely don't remember. All I remember is one of the nurses, Pete his name is, sitting down at the foot of my bed and me crying absolutely hysterically and the colour red in front of my eyes. Everything shaded red.

So I continued on my merry (miserable) way, until on Friday my psychologist and a nurse came to tell me why I wasn't allowed leave. I remember it only vaguely, but somehow they told me that:

a. On Wednesday night I had told Pete the nurse that I was planning to go on leave and kill three friends and then kill myself, "to show them how much I care about them".
b. Said nurse apparently had a discussion with me about it the next morning, which I don't remember.
c. A doctor apparently had a discussion with me about it on the Friday, which I don't remember.

Said nurse told another nurse that I had "totally clear plan and intent", and "was able to reply to questions about it in detail".

And that's why they didn't allow me leave that weekend.

I AM ######6 TERRIFIED.

I have experienced about five episodes of dissociation before, about six months ago, but where I could at least vaguely remember. It mostly involved me floating about touching things to try and ground myself. People told me I looked like I was on drugs. They drug-checked me too, because my pupils were dilated a few times. I couldn't talk to anyone and everything felt very weird. I felt outside of my body, and my vision changed too.

This dissociation is entirely different. Complete memory loss, on three different occasions. I am terrified.

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