I haven't posted in so long, I've been busy with what was supposed to be a great vacation.. now its all ###$, im stressed everyone in this house is stressed.. and this whole drama is bringing back old memories when I was not believed and to blame it on my age is really hurtful, because now years later she would believe 'her precious' if she told her something.. I need an apology, she meant it or not I need one I deserve one for all the miserable times I was punished for something that person did.. I didn’t know or you were a kid is not an apology.. but I cant be selfish and ask for it now, I don’t even think its about selfishness its more like I cant speak I would have planned this dramatic speech but when the time comes I just say nothing.. she said you shouldn’t have kept so much from me, see what happened.. like part of it was my mistake for not saying anything, well do you blame me you never believed me and you humiliate me how can I say and trust that you wont hurt me.. but I cant say that because you've been through enough and your still going through family drama, my problems my issues and my feelings are insignificant compared to yours.. and I don’t hate you for that, I hate myself for once again making myself feel worthless
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It’s been a good day. Just like yesterday, and I ended up cutting my skin by night, I’m not sure what’s the reason but every time I have a good day and I feel happy by the end of the day the heaviness comes back, reading blogs about sexual abuse, adoption sometimes helps and sometimes brings some of the feelings I forgot I had, the last time I cut myself was in highschool I’ve graduated then to cigarettes, sleeping pills, lyrica and trich.. funny thing is that all this time I had no idea why do I do all that, how did it all start the beginning is all cloudy but then I start to feel this sense of comfort and relaxation after a smoke or 4 pills or pulling my hair.. I’m trying to stop now, and I think trying to stop it all at once brought me back to self injury.. I need therapy, the more I deny it the more I find new reasons that tells me I need it if I want to recover, and keep the people I love in my life..but then why should I care about keeping them if they want to leave, why should I stop someone who wants to leave so I can resent myself? I already feel like nothing and worthless, and needing someone makes me feel weak and that they have some sort of control over me, and if they leave I’ll have nothing..
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does sexual abuse make you coward, I’ve been told before that I don’t defend myself I don’t know if it’s because of all the kinds of abuse I suffered from while growing up or is it because I’m adopted and scared if I showed them my true colors they’d throw me away.. or maybe both, I want to not care but I can’t, pleasing others just upgrades my selfhatred I feel lowest of the low, used, dirty, sick, ugly and unwanted.. I need to work on myself and actually understand not just know that being adopted and abused doesn’t make me any less than anyone else,..
my therapist told me that I need to start to think positive thoughts, but I don’t know how? My life revolves around home, university, family a pattern that’s been repeating itself all my life now I finally graduated, will start work after summer and not in a place I planned to go to, but a place someone planned for me, my life is controlled and I don’t know how to start taking control of my life, so I end up doing the only thing I do best lock myself in my room sleep and watch tv shows until I get a lecture like a kid about how selfish I’ve become. I don’t know what else to do with myself
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Dealing with childhood trauma is really difficult, the only reason why I decided to take care of myself is after I started blacking out, taking pills, smoking anything to get me so numb so I wont have to feel anything, now I stopped everything but sleeping pills, I need at least that or I’ll pull all my hair out and eat everything I’ll find infront of me, yesterday night I got the urge to smoke, I started to feel my chest getting heavier and it was really hard to breathe and I was getting really irritated I needed that damn smoke not just one the whole damn pack, but it was really late I couldn’t get any, but I remembered something I watched on youtube about smoking teabags, I was planning on doing it after everyone in the house slept, none of my family member know about my bad habits, at the end I got tired of waiting took 4 sleeping pills and slept till the next day..
Last edited by outcaster on Fri Jul 08, 2011 7:32 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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