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omalley_cat
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perhaps a little hypomanic... needing a ramble
   Sat May 25, 2013 9:36 am

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perhaps a little hypomanic... needing a ramble

Permanent Linkby omalley_cat on Sat May 25, 2013 9:36 am

hi everyone,
i dont know if anyone bothers reading this but i feel like sharing whats going on so i'm just going to mindlessly start typing... i started a vlog on youtube ages ago but my laptop broke so i havent been able to put out more than one video yet, which is a real shame because i really wanted to use it as a way of recording all my mood shifts and stuff. I find it so hard to remember things properly its really annoying, and the psychs ALWAYS ask you to describe stuff from the past and i never can...

anyway. i woke up feeling really good and i have had a bit of a realisation....just a warning before i start, i think i'm having a bit of an excitable day. my thoughts are racing much quicker than i can type. this is why i wanted to do a vlog because typing just seems to take too long.

anyway. i'm feeling very happy. i got a tan! i've NEVER had a tan before!! i think this is what kick started this happiness..which is silly. but i really never have had a tan..i have irish skin, and even when i tried to zap myself to pieces in the sun bed nothing happened, it just doesnt want to go brown. ever. so i faked it :-D looks awesome. and i feel like a totally new person now.

I also had some realisations recently about my moods and stuff...i have a wolfdog called Panda. she is very hard work but i wouldnt be without her. anyway, i've been reading some cesar millan stuff recently, and he talks a lot about energy and how the pack leader always has to be calm assertive and stable...and i kind of freaked out a bit thnking "stable? i have a differential dx of bipolar disorder and the other name for borderline personality disorder is emotionally unstable personality disorder...i'm screwed". but then, just today, i had this revelation that i'm going to get through this illness, FOR HER. I would struggle to do it for myself, because i guess part of me is addicted to the rollercoaster. but i would do it for her, to make sure she is happy and feels stable in her life.

I had a freak out the other day though, which was a bit silly, because my friend dyed her hair a colour i really wanted my hair. i cant highlight or change my hair colour at all because i put indigo on it a few months ago (google that, in case you're interested - herbal haircare = awesome. also, been shoving loads of coconut oil on it. also very awesome). so i felt that my friend had gone and made herself look beautiful and i was stuck looking like a plain old frumpy vampire. which sucked. so i had a bit of a break down. sobbed and sobbed and sobbed for hours, and argued with my lovely handsome sexy boyfriend even though it wasnt his fault. and i looked at my dog and got all extreme like "oooh goddddd. how can i ever be strong for you!?" hahaha. so dramatic when i'm depressed. the dog was just looking at me like "you're a ######6 idiot".

but yeah. i've been on this path recently towards stability for myself. i've cut down my drinking MASSIVELY. have gone from getting drunk twice a week to twice in the last 6 weeks...i have had the odd drink in between this but its always been in moderation...like i've got control over it suddenly...which is really good because the pyschologist wont see me again until i've completed a drink control program. i can now control all of the drinks.

i've been trying to eat well too. like cramming all the veggies into my guts. and i think i've been noticing the difference. i realllllyyyy want to be slim. but i'm an endomorph (also google that $#%^, very interesting) so its really hard for me to get actually slim. means i would pretty much have to be on a diet for the rest of my life and commit to doing work outs, which i dont want to do. i wish i was one of those people that just has to laze around and they dont get fat ever... but apparently that doesnt mean they arent fat on the inside..hahahaha. not in an "ugly on...

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mother wars

Permanent Linkby omalley_cat on Tue Jul 31, 2012 9:57 am

So, after weeks and weeks of being able to hold my temper around my mother, things came out lastnight...
to be honest, i did a lot better than I have done in the past. My rage didnt cause me to dissociate, and I was able to be present through the entire argument and therefore I had complete control over everything I said.
Having said that, I did let out some home truths which my therapist had told me I should not do - he said he sincerely doubted whether my mother would be able to recognise and accept the damage that she has done to me and my brother, and therefore it could only really serve to make things worse by brining it all up.
Thing is, we were already arguing at this point...honestly, I went at her like a rottweiler. point after point after point about everything that she's said or done, and the way that she's treated us. Now, I feel exhausted, but I actually feel really good. I'll give you the low down on how the argument started and what was said. If you want to skip past it then thats OK, its a pretty long account!

Basically, my young dog has just come in to season which means that she is behaving a bit oddly (cligny and whingy) and her walks have changed to lead only, which means she is a little restless. For those of you who dont know, the situation with the dog is this: my mother bought me the puppy in October as a birthday present - it wasn't my idea, and I did point out to her that it probably wasnt a very good idea considering my living situation (was living with her at the time) but she did it anyway and assured me that we would work together to make the situation easier. A few months later, she decides that its too much for her to handle and tells me to give the dog away. So i did. It broke my heart. Fortunately, the breeders called up a few months later saying they still havent managed to rehome her, so I took her back in a shot. This has now given my mother the opportunity to act abused - she flops around the house talking about how me and my dog have "ruined her life". I try to point out that she brought this puppy in to my life in the first place, and she can hardly expect me not to have bonded with her. But, apparently, because I took the dog back, this is now all my responsibility which I've dumped upon her. From my perspective, I'm merely asking her to keep her side of the agreement for as long as it takes for me to find somewhere to live - which brings me to the second point - she then kicked me out, shortly after the dog came back. So now I'm living with my boyfriend and going back daily to see to the dog, walk her and spend time with her. This breaks my heart - I cant stand being away from her every evening. I'm SUCH a dog person and I always have been, and this dog is like a member of my family now, she is my companion. But furthermore, my mum has now put her self in a position where she is responsible for the dog during the evenings when I'm at my boyfriends. She CONSTANTLY complains about how she is having to care for my dog - and she fails to see that she brought all of this on herself - she bought me the dog against my better judgement, and then she kicked me out so i am literally unable to care for it 24/7. I dont understand how any of this is my fault - is this a BPD thing? honest honest responses to this situation are very much appreciated - am I failing to see unbiased perspectives here? please bear in mind that I am desperately trying to find somewhere to live that will accept pets, so this is by no means a permanent solution, nor one that suits me or makes my life easier in any way.

So, back to lastnights argument - my mum suffers from rhuematoid arthritis, and she has been taking some new medication which, whilst it works well on the pain, makes her incredibly lethargic. My brother borrowed her car to go to a festival from thursday through monday, and because she is unable to walk far she has literally been housebound. Because the dogs behaviour has been odd, I had decided to...

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mourning my parents

Permanent Linkby omalley_cat on Tue Jun 19, 2012 8:04 pm

As some of you may be aware, I recently found out that my mother sexually abused my brother when he was a toddler. She has no idea that I know, and for the mean time I am keeping it that way, as that is my brothers wish. obviously I have toyed with the idea that she abused me too, but I have no memories of anything, and so i'm not going to jump to conclusions about this. More than anything, its brought to the surface how abusive she has been in other ways - physically, emotionally and psychologically.

My father has been absent - not absent enough for me to forget about my abandonment, but absent enough for me to feel his dismissal and lack of care all my life. He lives 4 hours drive from me. I think I must have seen him about 8 times since I was 2. He doesnt send me birthday cards, christmas cards or talk to me on the phone. He's never made and effort in any way, but I'm still aware of the fact that he exists. He is now severely ill in sheltered accommodation. He is an alcohol and a gambler, and has drank himself in to brain damage. there is no hope for a relationship with him now.

As a result of my parental experiences, my therapist thought that it might be a good idea if i mourn the loss of them, as a way of recognising their absence in my life. whilst my mother was physically present, she was not my mother. I have always had images of her mothering me, nurturing me, being caring and strong. I realised a few weeks ago that these were in fact fabricated images. The mother my "child self" was clinging on to, didnt actually exist. I needed to mourn her, and my idealised image of father, and learn to accept my biological parents simply as other people in the world. This helps me to disconnect from my mothers emotional control and abuse, and it helps me to come to terms and accept the absence of a nurturer in my life.

so, I'm supposed to write a letter to my mother and to my father, telling them everything I feel. Everything i'm angry about. everything that hurts. let it all out. then either keep those letters somewhere safe, hopefully where no one can see them, or alternatively burn them to send the message off symbolically. PHEW. wish me luck... this could be tough.

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paul mckenna stuffs

Permanent Linkby omalley_cat on Wed Jun 13, 2012 10:51 pm

the exercise i'm about to do is from a book by Paul Mckenna called "change your life in 7 days". it's something that i've found really interesting and enjoyed doing, so I thought I'd regurgitate it so other people might be able to do the same exercise.
basically, it is part of many explorations in to finding the "authentic you". This is a really big thing for me...as i'm sure you are all aware, people with BPD have a verrry rocky sense of self. For me, this results in absolutely no sense of self whatsoever. I often feel like I dont exist...its quite extreme, but a different story altogether :-)

so, this was a particularly good section of the book for me, because I'm really keen to work through anything that will help me to solidify an understanding of who I am so that I can start to develop an authentic and real personal identity, instead of merely poaching other peoples!!
Paul works on the premise that we have 3 selves, or three layers to ourselves.He puts it better than I can, so, to quote:

"at our core is our authentic self - the reality of who and what we really are. But piled on top of the real us is that layerof shame, fear and guilt, the person we're afraid we are, our negative self image. In order to make sure people still like us, approve of us and give us their love and money, we pile yet ANOTHER layer, on top of our feared self - the person we pretend to be..."

the excercise i'm about to relay to you was designed as a way to help people to distinguish between all of these "selves" in order to properly identify the "authentic self" and therefore better understand your own uniqueness, and help you to make decisions that are true to your own desires and aspirations. I'm going to quote the instructions from the exercise, and then write my genuine response to doing the exercise after that.

"A. YOUR PRETEND SELF: Who you pretend to be
your pretend self is the image you project into the world. often this image is based less on who you really are than on covering how you are afraid you are. Ask and answer the following questions:
1. how do you like to be seen?
2. which aspects of your personality do you hope people notice first?
3. What is it that is most important that everyone knows about you?
4.If your life were trying to prove something about you, what would it be?"

For me, I want to be seen as beautiful, interesting, dynamic, strong, entertaining and loveable. I want people to notice me as pretty or beautiful before anything else. It is most important that everyone knows that I am an interesting and vibrant person, that I have a lot going on that would keep their attention. If my life was trying to prove something about me, it would be that I was worth keeping an eye on...that my life was something out of the ordinary, something interesting and something different, and always something unique and irreplacable. Unforgettable came up a lot too. For me it seems to be all about ways to be loved and noticed, and never forgettable or boring.

"B. YOUR NEGATIVE SELF IMAGE: who you are afraid you are
If someone calls you a name that you dont identify with, there is rarely an emotional charge attached.If something upsets us, it is usually because, at some level, we worry that it may be true. When I ask these questions in my trainings, people often react by totally denying that the negative traits they are identifying have anything to do with them. When they've had the chance to think about it, they often come back with shocked recognition that this is in fact exactly what they feared has been true all along. One fact will make it easier for you to be honest with yourself *any 'negative' traits you identify are not really yours - they belong to your negative self-image and were programmed in to you when you were a child. By identifying them honestly, you are about to let...

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first of many...

Permanent Linkby omalley_cat on Wed May 09, 2012 7:37 pm

Hi,
this is my first blog post on here... I've been really feeling the urge to write recently, and I've also been having a bit of a rollercoaster of a time, so I thought I'd give blogging a go...it feels a lot less lonely than writing in a diary. I have been keeping a blog on wordpress for a couple of months now, and was jsut writing an entry in there today when I thought "this really should be shared with other BPDers who may understand exactly whats going down" and so I've decided to copy and paste my most recent entry. I'm currently trying to force myself to overcome the little voice in my head that is telling me that its egotistical to write in a blog and let other people read about me...I've got no problem with other people doing it, but I was always told that drawing attention to myself was a bad thing, so its taking every ounce of my strength to keep telling myself that its ok, and if people dont want to hear about me they wont read...
soooo ... after much umming and aaahing, here's my first entry :-)

I have relapsed into a dangerous habit. Stalking my boyfriend's past...

Some months ago now, I was stupid enough to hack on to his email account and read all the messages from his girlfriend at the time. Needless to say this tormented me. Not only was I wracked with guilt that I abused his trust, but also I couldnt escape to a single part of my head that wasnt haunted with the knowledge that, atleast for some time, W loved someone else and was happy with that person.

Since then I've gone from bad to worse. I've become friends with Ws ex on facebook. I now check her facebook page everyday. I googled her, and found a blog which she writes in. I check that regularly. I also look at all her activity on twitter. I'm obsessed with looking at photos of her, and comparing her to me. I always lose this make believe competition. She is beautiful. Slender yet curvy, dark hair, bright eyes, quirky and cute. I... well quite frankly I dont know what I am. But I'm not that.

Following her, and watching her life, and asking W questions about their relationship has become like my new drug of choice. I harm myself everytime I search for new information about her. I will always compare, and I will always find myself lacking. The worst part is, I've reached a level of self awareness now where I know that the issue is not that I'm not as good as her. I know the issue is my lack of self esteem, my absolute refusal to accept that somebody could love me and find me attractive, and my compulsive need to compare myself to other people in order to find value in what I do. But I cant seem to do anything about this. .. I'm stuck in this horrible pattern of making myself feel $#%^. It's my new self harm - the drink and the drugs and the cutting are no longer allowed, so I've resorted to psychological torment.

Its so easy for me to compare myself to other people and to lose in this little comparison, because in my eyes theres nothing to me. I can't even call myself ugly...I'm just not there. I'm personality-less. I'm sex-less. I sometimes dont even feel like i'm a proper woman. And so when I see these beautiful, colourful, vivacious girls with so much personality and so much going on in their lives, I feel so inadequate it is physically painful. Because I am nothing.

I dont even know where to begin trying to discover myself. I am tempted (very tempted in fact) so see if there are any self help books out there that I can use as a guide to discover myself, and maybe I can incorporate that into this blog to document my progression...I really feel that the only thing that can help me to stop this ridiculous obsession with other women is developing myself from the inside out. If I really learn to get a true understanding of who I am, then I can begin to learn to love that and honour it. Then, maybe I will feel secure enough not to have to compare myself...

[ Continued ]

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