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ok-so_now_what
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Pendulum in a hostile position
   Tue Nov 22, 2011 7:15 am
Oh this place stinks of self-pity
   Sun Nov 13, 2011 12:58 am

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Pendulum in a hostile position

Permanent Linkby ok-so_now_what on Tue Nov 22, 2011 7:15 am

Low period. Boss has been stressing over things he has unwisely taken on. He snapped at me over something that was not my fault and we got into it fairly vigorously. I am virtually irreplaceable. He has smoothed it over, but his outburst has poisoned the relationship. In time, I will find another job. To a nearly guile-less aspie, NT's and their infinitely varied manipulative behaviours and fronts can be very depressing. I can be brusque, somewhat nonresposive, or alternatively-responsive to others. I can be downright rude and step on others' feelings at times. But I rarely lie, and never to manipulate others feelings and mental states in order to use them or get them to act in a way that benefits me. Sometimes it seems as though everyone around me wears a grotesque mask, and I'm the only one who can see that no ones real face is exposed. NTs seem to be ok with pretending they don't see the ugly truths about each others, as long as everyone puts on an effective display front that permits all to turn a blind eye. Things that bother me seem not to bother others. The cast of characters that cavorts through my workday is beginning to depress me. Take the guy at work who boasts of his patronizing prostitutes every time he travels. In the same breath he will declare his love for his wife and family and say that if he is making a good income, none of this is their business, and that he's not doing anything wrong. Or the terminally lazy guy who married a woman from a very wealthy family so that he wouldn't have to work. He does just enough work to have spending money, though the company is hurting and needs him to do more. He doesn't care about the company or anyone else there, and isn't working anywhere near 30 hours a week, or even diong what work he does well. Then there's the vicodin addict who loses track of time for a week or more, not even knowing which days he has been to work, or how many hours he has missed in a week. There's the beautiful illegal alien, who married a helplessly overmatched man, a friend of mine, who was madly in love with her for US citizenship, only to abandon him when he tried to actually have a relationship resembling a marriage, breaking his (albeit, foolish) heart. While widely sharing her considerable charms, she then asks yours truly to talk her husband out of serving her with divorce papers for as long as it takes for her to attain her goal of citizenship. Yours truly is staying out of it, and said as much. There's the delusional geezer who is launching a sportswear company from his garage at age 60, with a selection of ugly, nonsensical and plain stolen graphics he screens himself. He tells us this will go big and he will be rich. Everyone lying, using, manipulating, and compartmentalizing to avoid seeing what they are doing. It is like a ghoulish, menacing sideshow of vicious circus freaks. All these people are quite proud of their deeds and sleep the sleep of angels. Apparrently, due to some deal that I was not required to approve, it has fallen to me instead to lie awake at night, grinding my teeth in horror and revulsion and grief over their deeds and the lies and coecions that allow them to continue unchallenged. I let things get to me too much, I think. Tomorrow is another day.
Last edited by ok-so_now_what on Tue Nov 22, 2011 7:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Oh this place stinks of self-pity

Permanent Linkby ok-so_now_what on Sun Nov 13, 2011 12:58 am

I don't mean the "this is the day from hell can I dig a hole and craw into it until tomorrow" variety, but the "I can't do, can't have, can't be held responsible for" sort. Life goes on whether we are happy or not. Misery loves company, but except for the few friends, family and lovers who really LOVE us, there are no takers. And sometimes there's none of them to be founnd. What some seem to be missing is that, while they whine away and curse fate, their lives are flying by, turnoffs are being missed. The exponentially ramifying tree of choices that, at all times, confronts us is revoking offers that will never again be tendered! We all have our self-indulgent moments, but AS is not the biggest problem many here have. It's cowardice. "How can I meet...How can I get this person...How can I not be alone...." Umm....quit being a douche? Make failure, humiliation, denial and losing, your closest friends. Stop fearing them, and many of the things that you lack, and blame AS for, will begin appearing unbidden in your life.
Last edited by ok-so_now_what on Sun Nov 13, 2011 5:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

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pragmatics

Permanent Linkby ok-so_now_what on Tue Sep 13, 2011 9:37 am

While it is wise to learn all we can as aspies about our conditon, and to inform those closest to us in order to help our relationships function. Understanding only smoothes the way for the one thing that really improves our lives and the lives of our friends and family: improved behavior. As much as an educated spouse understands that they are to be more understanding and to use what they have learned to interpret our behavior, the contract innaugurated by the revelation of Aspergers' presence binds the aspie to do all possible to modify their own behavior, or forego relationships and all the parts of life that require them to function. The joke played on us is cruel, however, for while we are not well equipped for relationships, we still suffer without them, and benefit from them the same as those who carry them out without conscious effort. Once there is a meeting of the minds and all agree that the Condition exists and is exerting its influence over the suject, the only things remaining are the same things that face all of mankind: How much are you willing to suffer to get and keep what you want? As for everyone else on Earth, no one can guarantee whether you will ever achieve your goal, or if attained, how long you will maintain your grasp on it, or if it will have been worth what it cost you to attain. For some, it might be a 7 figure salary, a position of great power, a large home, an expensive car, the love of a specific person or sort of person. For us, it might be the ability to hold a job and be independent, freedom from depression and searing self-loathing, just one friend that understands, or other things that phychologically normal individuals come by much more easily. It doesn't matter what, exactly you're after, the currency to purchase our desires are the same: Discomfort, humiliation, repeated failure, pain, suffering, endurance, perseverance, courage, accountability, acceptance of correction and criticism, rebuke, ridicule, loneliness, denial by self and circumstance. Character, not clinical knowledge should be our focus. We all hurt and feel discouraged, and here is the place to share it, but no one has more control over our situations than we do. However little power we have, it is more than anyone else can bring to bear for our benefit. Learn to hate your comfort zone. Give it no rest. Find ways to function but constantly push your envelope a little. Not too much, but never let up. Get used to waiting and failing, because life holds a lot of that for normals, more for us. No one can say for sure how much ground any one of us could gain after long years of fearlessly pushing ourselves to do the things that will make life better for us and our significants. I'm not talking about unreasonable desires that amount to no longer being an aspergite, such as reveling in social intercouse, excelling at sports, thriving in a face-to-face sales position, etc. I'm thinking of realistic goals, such as finding work we can be both useful and happy in. Having one or two friends that know all about our condition and accept and support us anyway. And if you can leaarn to keep a friend, you can find love. Self-pity stinks and is repulsive no matter what the excuse. And worthwhile people can tell you are trying even if you fail. Toughness is one of the most attractive characteristics someone can posess, and people will give you the benefit, and cut you a lot of slack if they see you have guts. Give a good account of yourself and you will get credit for it from anyone that matters. One way in which we are fortunate is that we only attract deeper, more sympathetic people. Our friends tend to be true ones, though perhaps fewer.

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