One thing that's pretty off-putting for me is the lack of imagination. It may not seem like a big deal, but it is indeed a big deal when you're the artist type, yet unable to express yourself..

Reading a book is not a good experience, because I cannot visualize or hear anything at all. All the others need to do is close their eyes and they can easily succumb to their fantasies. To me, there's only emptiness ... and reality outside. It's like being in someone else's fantasy/story as a totally blind and mute person. The feels stopped...

This is why I just sorta stopped writing..of poems and stories. Heck, my life is pretty much dead at this point. Because what exists without imagination, for an artist? Without thoughts and feelings to express? Why keep living without memories? I still do..to show there's more to life than any of these things, and because I am a little masochist.

Sigh. Really, being this dead inside makes it all seem useless to linger for yet another day. It all gets numb and repetitive, as if you'd get tranquilizers each day, since you cannot even go into some ballistic R.A.G.E mode ... nothing at this point. But no, this does not mean I have any suicidal tendencies: it's just that this rundown state of being is one that you wouldn't ever wish to experience, I can tell you that. Because this is not what you could call 'living', this is just simply 'being'. So yes, if I could have it my way, I wouldn't like to live for more than a few years in this state of 'non-being'.

So I'm not just mentally limited, but artistically too. How great. My hands are quite tied and my options drastically limited. With a lifelong physical sickness to boost. That's life for ya. Goes to show you have to make-do with what you have to make-do. But this is not a complaint here. Just a reminiscence of sorts. To see if I can still manage to recall something..yet what is there to recall. Move on.

Nevertheless, I'm trying to dabble with music and prefer to read manga because I need graphics to complement a story, or my focus/concentration wears off very fast. I also prefer to delve into spiritual topics, 'cause life has not much left in store for me anyways. Funnily, I don't feel much with music either, I just do it do satiate my artistic hunger of yearning to create something sometimes.

Oh, the far-away past that seems like an entirely different life with an entirely different MC in charge..when I could develop 2D games, but now I don't even feel like designing anything. I lost all traces of being the MC in my life. The drive's just permanently gone. When you just cannot think of anything, and you cannot recall any memories from the past. A lil sad, but I don't feel much of an emotion either, so it's all dandy and balanced.

Maybe I'm closer to being detached even to the body and to all that is this world. Good. Maybe this is an inevitable next step. I find this detached state is wonderful for spiritual stuff. You just get things in one go. You can find harmony in that which others either hate or love, accept or decline -- it's as if you see only perfection in everything. Plus it's way more easier to realize you are not your body, etc.

When did I say that being dead inside can not be of benefit? The side-effects are that lacking memories, imagination, thoughts, feelings ... can make it seem it'd be good to actually live on some days, but that craving is not that much. When life 'stops' hurting you, when you no longer feel 'hurt' over any incident or event, you're getting closer...

Yet you might worry that thieves are abound and criminals are likely to shoot you down in a big city like New York ... but what if your worrying is the REAL cause behind why a criminal actually appears one day who will really shoot you down because of worrying like so? You were so preoccupied with such worrying, that you created this reality for yourself! Because you make it real what you are concentrated about, what you think about often...

I could also get worked up now that I don't do anything useful these days, because I'm in a worse mental period again, and cannot manage to do things for long or concentrate for long ... but what would be the point of this self-inflicted damage, to enter a negative flow? Instead, be OK and accept that nothing is needed or required, just do your own little thing that you can manage to do. What's the fuss about? There are many bad things I can't change, but I just have to accept them and live with them, and if needed, then adapt to them. What else is needed in life?

Each day you can find things that can annoy you and things that can make you happy. If you review what's been bad over the day, then your day is ruined. One should review what good has happened over the day, and be done with that.