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never42
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Posts: 450
Joined: Tue Jul 05, 2011 6:44 am
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- September 2011
Last night was the first time I felt mentally ill
   Wed Sep 28, 2011 9:06 am
After I met my ex for coffee
   Wed Sep 21, 2011 7:18 am
I Cried Again Today
   Tue Sep 20, 2011 4:00 pm
Why do us mentally ill attract each other so?
   Thu Sep 08, 2011 8:07 am
Murder-suicides do not phase me.
   Fri Sep 02, 2011 9:24 am

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Last night was the first time I felt mentally ill

Permanent Linkby never42 on Wed Sep 28, 2011 9:06 am

Last night I went to a bipolar support group for the first time. This 3 months after my diagnosis.

There were 9 people including me. One of them was a guest speaker, telling his life story. He has BP 1. In short, the hypomania gave him everything and the mania took everything away. The great thing that he did when he still had everything and saw a manic episode coming, he went and put 98% of what he had in a trust fund for his daughters. He now lives off a disability grant.

But the way he described himself and the stigma about mentally ill people, made me for the first time feel mentally ill. It made give more thought to the stigma. Given he comes from a completely different culture where people sometimes have very backward beliefs. He mentioned briefly when they realised he was mentally ill back when he was 20, they tied him to a tree with a dog for days, where he had to fight the dog for his food. The reason for this he didn't mention.

There was a woman with her 14 year old son who left halfway. She made it seem that she didn't want her son to hear all these things, but from the way she was talking, I think it upset her more. I could relate. This man's story was frightening. Especially knowing that this is a life long thing. He was telling a story of a 28 year battle with BP. I felt scared. Scared sh!tless.

"Is this what's in store for me?" I asked myself. I later asked them the same. I cannot remember their response now.

Most people there were middle aged or older. There was one girl about my age, in her mid twenties. She's been struggling with BP and deppression for years. Everytime some talked, I wanted to go hug them. This girl has BP 2 and there was another women who had it too. I tried to relate to their stories. They were struggling with deep deppression. It was difficult to relate to their struggles, as my meds are working and my symptomes are being managed, and I haven't had a deep deppression for a long time.

They had a lot of questions for me. I'm guessing since it was my first time I was only diagnosed 3 months ago. I told them everything that I'm doing to manage. Stopped drinking, stopped doing drugs, sleeping enough, taking my meds regularly. Alcohol was the big one for me to drop.

It was scary for me when I left there. I didn't feel more hopeful than when I went in there. But I guess I needed to get a reality check.

What really moved me was when I left, the guest speaker was waiting outside. He said that after he heard what I did when I had to give up alcohol, he decided to stop smoking. That really moved me. I never imagined that I'd have an impact on someone that.

Today I'm feeling baffled, not knowing what ot think. I'm guessing I need to process everything that I heard last night.

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After I met my ex for coffee

Permanent Linkby never42 on Wed Sep 21, 2011 7:18 am

This is a message I sent a friend here on the forum after I got home from having coffee with my ex. I wanted to capture this moment in my blog.

never42 wrote:
"So I saw my ex tonight. At first it was nice. But then I started realising something's not right. I think I went in some hope that there may be some spark. There was nothing from her that I could see. She looked so beautiful and sexy. She moved on. But she she wants to do the friends thing. That won't work for me. It will just upset me more. I'm going to the concert with her, but that's it. I will try and keep my contact with her minimal up until then. The intimacy wasn't there when she hugged me good bye. I think I went in with too much hope. I felt sad leaving there. I cried a little when I got home. I should take this all at face value: I must move on. The one thing this all did was accentuate my feeling of loneliness. Like tomorrow is Saturday. I don't wanna sit at home and masturbate. I need to get out. But with whom? I feel sad tonight. I know his is a temporary feeling. You were right, I am feeling a little gee'd up lately. Seeing my ex's skin tonight did not help at all. She looked so sexy. Gosh I need to focus. Focus. I'm sorry Jade I'm mindlessly typing everything that's going through my head. I feel sad and alone right now. Steve Irwin just popped on the TV. D!ck. I feel so sad and alone. Seeing my ex moved on made me feel sad. Seeing myself in my underwear in my penisilin farm of a flat makes me feel lonely. I do not want it to be tomorrow, I don't wanna be alone tomorrow again. I should stop mindlessly typing now."
Last edited by never42 on Wed Sep 21, 2011 7:20 am, edited 1 time in total.

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I Cried Again Today

Permanent Linkby never42 on Tue Sep 20, 2011 4:00 pm

I cried again. I had sad thoughts all the way home on the train. When I got in the car I saw in the mirror that I was frowning. The radio was playing a song that reminded me of my ex. As soon as I stepped into the house I started crying. I realised that there's no place for me in her life. I was thinking while on the train, that I should go out and meet new people. But I feel my confidence isn't there yet. Moreso, I do not want to start dating while in this state. Even moreso, I do not want to meet someone new right now. I do not feel worthy.

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Why do us mentally ill attract each other so?

Permanent Linkby never42 on Thu Sep 08, 2011 8:07 am

This topic has porbably come up a lot before.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Since then, I have found out that 3 of my friends also have it. On that I suspected had it, I found had anxiety with hallucinations She heard voices. Specifically the voice of her late granfather. Another friend of mine is suspected of having bipolar, though they're still not diagnosing yet. She also has a problem with anxiety and gets hallucinations.

So most of my close friends have some diagnosis! Some of them, there's not much doubt about it.
Why do we attract each other like this?

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Murder-suicides do not phase me.

Permanent Linkby never42 on Fri Sep 02, 2011 9:24 am

Hearing about a murder-suicide does not phase me

I thought I'd get that out of the way.

There have been a lot of murder suicides in the news here lately. And people's reactions are always the same: "What an @sshole!", "Coward! Hope he burns in hell!", "How can anybody do that?"
Reading news online where you can comment makes it even more obvious:

Most people do not know what true emotional tumoil is!

And that's why I say it doesn't phase me when I hear about some guy killing his wife and kids and then himself. Because I was almost there. I was planning to kill myself and take my girlfriend, parents, and brother with me. I didn't want them to suffer because I killed myself, so I the idea came to me to take them with me. And everytime I hear about a mureder-suicide, I feel so much empathy for that person, because he was going through something so terrible, that he couldn't stand living, but couldn't stand hurting the ones closest to him by leaving them behind.

To all the people who has ever done this, I am sorry about what you were going through to lead you to doing that. I am sorry.

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