I know it's been a while since I wrote a blog, actually been a while since I remembered this site existed. Weird, I know. I just got so caught up in everything I forgot there were other options out there.
I've been in therepie for my Borderline Personality Disorder ( I hate the term 'disorder', don't you?) for almost 18 months now. It's actually been 16 to be exact. And the group therapie lasts for 18 months. After that there is aftertreatment, which means I still have my individual appointments but not the group, and those will slowly lessen as well until they apparently decide I can handle life on my own now. Yeah right...
My therapie group consists out of 9 patients. We have 3 therapists we share and have a group session twice a week with 2 therapists attending (they rotate). My terapists are, well, one of them is great, one I only get to see in group but she's pretty good for me as well, and one is my main thereapist and we get along about 50% of the time. But I can live with that.
The group, the other patients however, I can not live with. It's even come to the point now that I don't go to group sessions anymore. Those sessions, and especially the people in them have broken me into little pieces.
I have 2 more months to go in the group, and I don't want to. I feel like I'm being bullied there, and even my therapists seem to agree with me on that point. Still they want me to go back out there, somehow. I've only been away for 3 sessions so far, and already I feel less anxious and more myself.
Even though I jumped on the suicidal train last wednesday. Didn't do anything, mind you, just wanted to, thought about it. Spoke with my therapist the day after. It didn't really help but then again, I'm not sure what would've helped either so I guess it's okay.
But by now I can't wait for this therapie to be over, I can't wait to leave the group, can't wait to get back to my old therapist who told me I could come back after.
I feel like I've learned some important things, but lost who I am in the process.
And I just don't know how to face another day anymore...
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I had a really awful day in therapie today.
As you may have read already, I'm starting a new therapie. I'm saying good-bye to people I've known and trusted for over 2 years and now I gotta start all over again.
New therapists, new environment, new problems. Cuz trust me, there are problems.
I can't trust new people... Especially not therapists. I hate therapists. Yes, I have decided that today. I do not only hate men, groups and expectations, I hate therapists.
Today in group my therapist kind of accused me of not trying hard enough. I am trying though. Just because I can't trust her, can't open up to her does NOT mean I'm not doing the best I can to make this therapie thing work. I am trying. Why does nobody see that??
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I feel... as if I've just woken up again. Even though I've been up all day.
The last couple of days have been pretty hard. I'm not even sure why. I was pretty busy-- that's always a bad thing. But not to the extend that I felt this time.
I dunno. Of course it's not exactly helping me that I'm about to say goodbye to one of my mentors.
Oh right, nobody knows what the hell I'm talking about. So let's introduce myself first, shall we?
I'm a 21 year old lesbian borderliner who has some serious 'daddy issues'. Probably because he liked touching me in ways no father should ever touch his daughter. Ever.
I have, for now 3 councilers. My main therapist is someone I would trust with my life. I came to her in order to deal with my coming out. Well, more because I wanted to kill myself for being a lesbian. Not a very wise decision, I know, but I feel like killing myself a lot so you'd do best to get used to it.
A few months into therapy my main therapist referred me to my secondary therapist. Who has now spent many months helping me deal with anything and everything I need dealt with by using paint, pencils, clay and various other materials.
I rely on both a lot. My main therapist because I know I can talk to her about (almost) everything. (all other things are kinda posted here ) and my secondary (illustrative) therapist because I am an artist at heart and she helps me cope with things my way.
Now I did mention I have three, right??
That's because when I finally managed to escape my mothers house I found that I do NOT know how to take care of myself. I can cook, but can't clean is the short version.
So I got another little helper
Who is now leaving...
I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder about 8 months ago. And together with my main therapist I've been working toward getting admitted for therapy for this ever since.
Now I'm finally standing on the edge of actually getting in.
I started the preparation group a few weeks ago. But part of getting ready is saying good-bye to my current help.
And the last one who joined the 'Let's go help Nerissi-team' is the first to go.
Well, she *is* the one I've gotten the least attached to, but I still hate to see her go.
And next week will be the last week we have together. It's weighing me down.
It's like, I've finally surrounded myself with people I dare to trust, which is very hard for me, and the second I've said it out loud, they're leaving. It almost feels like they're leaving because I said 'I trust you"...
And the last few days... Well It's finally sunken in, I guess. I've finally realised I'm really gonna say goodbye. But instead of detachting from my feelings like I usually do, for some unexplanable reason, I started to pile up everything I felt bad about and feel them all. *Except* her leaving. I've been shaking and unable to sleep. Disorganized to the point where I am now surpsized I didn't forget to breath. For 5 days straight. It''s ben awful. And today a friend of mine stopped by. Of course she didn't notice I hardly listened to her. I have no idea what she's been saying to me all afternoon... o_0
But now she's left. Going back home, won't be back here for 3 weeks. Maybe it was because I said goodbye to her? Anyway, I finally recognized that I just feel bad because I will have to say a permanent good-bye come thursday. I am no longer disorganized (well, no more than usual) and not shaking too much anymore either.
But I know I will still miss her sooooo much.
Eventually even I grow attached...
Well... that was my little ( ) rant. More will probably follow, eventually.
But for today I'm done ...
[ Continued ]
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