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nam24601
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June 19, 2012
   Wed Jun 20, 2012 12:12 am

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June 19, 2012

Permanent Linkby nam24601 on Wed Jun 20, 2012 12:12 am

Dear Nam

One day many years ago I found myself in a haunted place. I cannot recall all the horrid details, only how I felt. Alone, abandoned, helpless, terrified, disgusted, defiled. Somehow I never left that evil dwelling. I sealed myself in with enchanted reprimands, venomous insults and cursed critique. Forever I fear I am doomed to wander these halls of the dead for I cannot remember where I left myself. Or who I was before I became what I am. Or who I will be tomorrow.

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May 30, 2012

Permanent Linkby nam24601 on Wed May 30, 2012 10:08 pm

Dear Nam
Today has been quite good, albeit exhausting. So why am I so terrified of something detrimental happening? I am allowed to have good days aren't I? So why do I feel like I'm walking a tightrope and about to lose my balance? Why do I feel like I'm gonna come crashing down any minute? I hate living in constant fear of myself! I hate being stuck on this rollercoaster ride that never ends. I suppose it doesn't help that I'm exhausted both physically and mentally but it's too early to sleep. I somehow need to distract myself for at least 4 hours or I will crash for sure. If only my brain would function well enough to think of how. Too tired. Brain no thinky.

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May 28, 2012

Permanent Linkby nam24601 on Mon May 28, 2012 7:25 pm

Dear Nam

You seem to have come a long way in a relatively short period of time. You have actual friends who claim to care about you. Incidentally, you're starting to believe it--at least you're trying to. You want to believe that the ground won't crumble beneath your feet as ever before. You're trying very hard not to grab a shovel and help it along. Keep trying to be brave as you face this new, unfamiliar world. Let yourself hope for a change. And maybe this time it will be good and stay good. Maybe this time the other shoe won't drop. Maybe this time it will work. Maybe.

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April 16, 2012

Permanent Linkby nam24601 on Tue Apr 17, 2012 3:33 am

Dear Nam

Well, you've done it again...somehow you've managed to put yourself in an awkward and somewhat inappropriate situation. How exactly did you become the thirtysomething weirdo hanging out with a bunch of teenagers---and feeling a sense of belonging greater than anywhere else in a long while. How do you know they even want you there? I know you're also feeling guilty and as though you've somehow betrayed your pre-existing friend (who incidentally is my mom's age...another "abnormal" "inappropriate" friendship) by essentially ditching her to hang out with her kid and friends.

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Dear Nam

Permanent Linkby nam24601 on Sat Apr 07, 2012 4:04 am

Dear Nam, from now on I'm going to write to you. Together we will finally learn who I am. We'll take a journey through the past, one memory at a time, and we'll discuss all our ludicrous thoughts. Other people may read it, and give any well-intentioned feedback, because let's face it---we desperately need any form of validation and acceptance we can get right now!

Right now I know you are feeling extremely vulnerable. You keep reaching out to your friends, and you try so hard to fit in but ultimately you don't feel like you fit anywhere. You keep spending time with people who, despite their good intentions, can't give you what you need because you desperately need to feel accepted at all costs. So you tell yourself you're attempting to socialize. And you sit there with your plastic smile and your superficial tales. You tell yourself that this is as good as it gets. You say or do something stupid and suddenly the walls go up. Invisible walls. The self-berating begins. You convince yourself that nothing you do will ever be enough. You pull away, certain that everyone is having a much better time without you! You cry yourself to sleep, feeling more alone and tainted than ever. You wake up the next day and attempt to socialize. You sit with your friends, but don't really feel like you fit...

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