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marebear
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Hopeless, Sad, Lost
   Sat Jun 16, 2012 2:18 am

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Hopeless, Sad, Lost

Permanent Linkby marebear on Sat Jun 16, 2012 2:18 am

I am not sure that writing will help. But I guess it is worth a try. This is my first day on here. After so many people telling me I needed to seek help I have finally decided to do so. It's not that i haven't tried, I have. My mother tells me that I like to wallow in my own misery. Maybe she is right. Maybe I like feeling sad and alone. Maybe I just so desperately want my mother to support me and help me get through this. She hasn't. She says she is not the enemy. I asked her yesterday if she would help me by taking my daughter while I get the help I need. She agreed. Then today she comes back and tells me that she is going to have her live in another state and that I need to pull her out of daycare.

I may not be everything my daughter needs right now, but I still need her. She is the only thing that has kept me going. I had the pills last night. 160mg of OxyContin. I don't know if it would kill me or not. May just put me in the hospital and make me more miserable. I was ready to do it. I was just going to wait until my daughter was out of town because I wouldn't want her to find me. I talked to her about going to live with my mother. She cried. A lot. I cried. A lot. I realized how much she needs me. I don't want to hurt her. So for now, I am okay. Not okay, but I am not going to kill myself. That changes daily though. I don't know for how long she will keep me holding on.

Now to get to why I feel like this. My grandmother's husband sexually abused me. I do not recall exact dates and I only recall details from a few incidents. It started when I was 4-5 and ended around 10-11. I didn't tell anyone until about two years ago. My younger sister decided she wanted to out the abuse. Before then, I coped. After that, it all came back to me. I am no longer coping. Not well, anyways. I think that is obvious based on the last paragraph. Every day is a struggle.

I have never had a normal relationship. The last one I was in I started pushing him away, getting angry at him for no reason. I decided to open up to him before I lost him forever. The same day I started to open up to him, he broke up with me. But he "still wanted to be there for me" and help me get through this. I felt rejected and betrayed, still do. He is still in the picture, trying to support me. But it's not enough for me. It may actually make things worse in terms of my emotional state. He tells me he still loves me, he is just going through things of his own and can't be in a relationship right now. All I hear is that "you are too messed up. I will be your friend but I don't want to be with you." Everything hurts so bad. I don't feel like I can talk to him about the suicide thoughts because he will just think I am crazy. I am. I don't blame him.

I blame myself for all of it. There are so many times I could have stopped it and I didn't. I want to confront this man. I want to tell him how awful of a person he is. He almost died twice. For whatever reason he didn't. That makes me believe there is no higher power because how could he still be living if there was? How can a man who did so much wrong survive a cancer that kills so many innocent people every day? And then later, a heart condition. I asked my grandmother the other day for a way to contact him. She said she doesn't have one. She asked why I would want to. I told her I wanted to take my anger out on him. She told me to take my anger out on her since it happened in her home and she didn't know. Her saying that made me angry. She told me that I shouldn't let him keep hurting me. That made me more angry. He will always affect me. He ruined my life.

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