I haven't emailed my therapist this week. In our last session she started asking me how the emailing helped and also how it might affect her receiving my emails. She didn't ask it quite like that, more diplomatically and delicately, but the way I have typed it is the way I heard it.

I told her if my $#%^ wasn't a secret then I couldn't act upon it. So, if I went and ate cat $#%^ and got sick but I had already told her that is what I was thinking, then she would know - I couldn't 'get away with it'.

I see what she is doing. The fact of the matter is, she won't be there for me to email forever and I need to learn ways not to do this weird ass stuff without relying on her.

She didn't tell me to stop emailing - I kept asking her, 'does this mean you don't want me to email any more?'. She actually, thinking about it, didn't say it was still ok for me to email - she just said that wasn't what she was saying.

ARGH.

Sometimes I am so damn literal yet other times I over analyse bloody everything. I am trying so hard not to analyse her analysis (!); just let her do her job. Or should I be analysing what she is doing in order to know what is wrong, therefore 'get better' quicker?!

We struck a deal a few weeks back - if she was going to see me on a weekly basis then I was to not overdose. I understand this. We had one tough session and I went away and took 2 overdoses. She wants to know I up to this and she doesn't want it interrupting with my uni work. However, I took an overdose on Monday night...now I am worried I can't tell her, I don't want her to bin me off. But I don't want secrets either. It wasn't a 'self-harm' overdose - I took some pills to get off my head but I underestimated the strength of them. I became ill from them.

Maybe I just need to chill the ###$ out and live my life.

So they say people with BPD have fears of being abandoned - what if you really were abandoned and those fears are founded?

Ok, so I understand that as an adult I have to take control of my fears and understand not everyone is like my mother. My reaction and actions now are what matters.

My mother got in touch with me and my siblings 8 months ago - I am 30 now and have not seen or heard from her since I was 7. She literally went to the shops and did not return. We were alone for a week before social services and the police turned up.

I had been in care prior to this and would spend weekends and holidays with the foster parents - I did not have a good time. I was sent to the same foster family whilst my siblings went elsewhere. This is another story.

I have spent my life yearning a mother. Because of this I have done the only thing I knew to get the 'care' I craved and that was/is putting myself in hospital, making myself ill.

So when my mother came back it was quite a shock. She has 9 children altogether; I am the second oldest, the oldest girl. I always felt she disliked me or loved me less than the others. It was me who was sent to the foster carers at weekends and holidays, not my siblings. I asked her about this when she got back in touch and she said it was because my foster carers pushed her out.

I can believe this - I know how my foster mother worked, I know how she took control, manipulated people.

I don't understand though. Now my mm doesn't want to know, again. The novelty has worn off. She wants money from me, if I don't give it, she doesn't want to know.

I have been abandoned all over again.

I have been reading some stuff in the paraphillia forum.

I'm reading certain things whilst thinking, 'I should not be reading this' but all the while fascinated. I want to scream 'DO NOT FEED THE TROLLS' and also 'STOP HELPING THE PAEDO GET HIMSELF OFF!'. However, I've stepped away so I'm not guilty of the same thing...

On another forum I had an issue with another member. He was preying on 'vulnerable' girls and women. I eventually managed to stand up to him, but this was after a few months of hell. Some will say I should just not have signed in to the forum - why shouldn't I? Other than this dick head, I received an immense amount of support at this place at a time in my life where things were very dark for me. Others will say I should have just told him to ###$ off - I could do that now, it's just the internet after all. Back then, I couldn't.

In the end, it worked out well for me. I became a stronger person and recognised how people end up in abusive relationships. I went from idolising this person to hating him to feeling nothing...maybe a bit of pity?

The way he worked was clever. I was a newbie, in a mess. I posted WAY too much about myself in a short space of time. I had 'victim' written all over me. I would go into chat and he would PM me. I saw him as intelligent and the fact he valued my opinion meant a lot to me. Now, I'm not stupid. I am gullible and far too trusting, however. Maybe that makes me stupid in itself. Anyway...at this time in my life I was living as a perfect recluse, on drugs; the internet was my window to the outside world. I posted and posted and posted. This man would message me, pm me, reply to all of my posts. It made me feel special.

Grooming?

After a while I became wary, worried, afraid. I couldn't say this, though, because he had been there for me. Every message I received, my heart sank. Every pm, my heart sank. I NEEDED the forum though.

We were talking on MSN at this point. He would tell me things to google, sexual things. He would call me on the phone. He would tell me what to do. Eventually it was planned that he would come to my flat and 'we' would participate in an agreed rape; we would have a code word if it got too much. Hindsight tells me this was rape - rape is against another's will. No code word would have mattered. And there would not have been anything I could do as I had agreed to be raped.

The day before he was due at mine, I downed a bottle of vodka and messaged him, told him it couldn't happen. He got really pissed off with me, told me he had bought all this stuff (ropes and stuff), that he had made arrangements to get away from work, his wife. I just kept saying no, no, no.

For a while after I lived in fear as he knew my address. He lived a 5 hour drive away but I still worried. I kept this all secret.

I can't remember how it came about but it transpired I wasn't the only girl he had been doing this too. He had done this to quite a lot of girls on the forum, including some much younger ones. It became ok for me to talk about what had happened, how I felt. ###$, I hated him so much. A lot of people on forum hated him too...but I got caught up in it all, the messages, the posts. Eventually, I blocked him, ignored him and suggested to others they do the same.

OMG is that hard to do! I've spent a life time arguing, not being able to shut up, always wanting the last word. The fact I was able to completely ignore this individual gave me so much power. He then started messaging me on facebook telling me he loved me - he used some of my weaknesses against me. It made me boil inside but, still, I ignored him.

He is still there, people have forgotten what he did. He has 'learnt' how to have BPD, how to fit in - he has no-where else to go. No-one will listen to his $#%^ IRL so he uses a mental health forum to slag off his wife and kids. He is mentally ill but not in the way he portrays. The great thing, he knows I know....

[ Continued ]

Am totally $#%^ at keeping up blogs - I think this is because I like people to read them but no-one ever does and I don't want people I know IRL to read them.

So my name is Lyra, I am 30. I am originally a scouser (google!) but now live in North Wales. I am a uni student and I also do some volunteer work. I have a partner and 3 cats (love my cats, babies).

I'm not sure what to say is 'wrong' with me. I have a diagnoses of the dreaded BPD. I do believe, however, I have C-PTSD. I know symptoms matter more than the all-round diagnoses but BPD is so stigmatised against. I did give them reason to diagnose me with that BUT I have responded to therapy in a way none of my fellow group therapy peeps have.

I also believe i have Munchhausen's Syndrome. Well, I know I do. So this is why I am worried about what to say I feel I have in case you think I am making it up...!

I do have dyspraxia and also maybe some level of Asperger's syndrome. Dyspraxia diagnosed, asperger's not, which I am quite happy with. I have enough $#%^ on my file.

I am trying to change my life and stop all the attention seeking behaviours but it is hard. Where I live now, I have reinvented myself. I am not known to the local A & E or the police - I am under the care of the CMHT but quietly lol. I have a therapist in uni who has agreed to do the difficult stuff with me.

I can't be arsed writing all the mad stuff from my life. Maybe I will, over time.