Oh dear. I have fallen off the DVD waggon & bought a bunch of DVDs. None very expensive on their own (they're all pre-owned) but it adds up!
I think I'm pinpointing the triggers to buying them though, and noting the feelings I get beforehand, and it all boils down to the loneliness, my low self-esteem and that buying them makes me feel good - a wee endorphin rush, if you will! It's as if I'm thinking, "Well, my life's rubbish & I don't get out much - I deserve a treat from time to time!" And the walls of DVDs - they're like a kind of fortress or security blanket (weird, I know!)
So I'm not at all proud of myself! But tomorrow is another day, right? Wish me luck while I pick myself up, dust myself down & get back on the waggon...
Oh, I've got an appointment with the rheumatologist tomorrow. Try & find out what form of EDS or connective tissue disorder I actually have. Because of my heart trouble, I'm concerned it may be the vascular form of EDS & I hope to God it isn't that, as apparently the mean age of survival with that is 40 and I'm already 47... But more likely than not it's the Hypermobility variant - my ability to dislocate my own fingers and flap them up & down like a demented castanet-player goes down a storm at parties!
2 Comments Viewed 883 times
Warning - whiny, self-pitying post coming up!
Today is St. Valentine's Day, and maybe I'm even more tired than usual but I feel that the pain of loneliness will overcome me - it's actually a physical pain, in my chest, and as I have a heart condition anyway that's a bit concerning, I think.
I lost my husband 3-and-a-half years ago, and I miss him like crazy. I have no children (I'm infertile), and am in such fragile physical & mental health that I can't work, so I don't have the consolation of throwing myself into a career. I've not completely dismissed the idea of another relationship but finding someone seems well-nigh impossible under the current circumstances. I fear I face a lonely, isolated old age.
Sorry to be so depressing! I do have friends who care, and I really appreciate that.
I should probably go to bed - I'm knackered lol!
0 Comments Viewed 1246 times
It's been a while (yet again!) since I blogged here, but I wanted to talk about my addiction to buying DVDs which I believe has got a little out of hand. I have literally hundreds of them, in bookcases. I'm not just buying them for the sake of it - I genuinely love films but I've bought so many lately it's a bit - well, nuts. I only rarely buy new ones - most of them are used from Amazon & eBay. For box sets I tend to wait until I've got some money or vouchers for my birthday or Christmas.
So why do I buy them? Well, like any retail therapy, it feels good. And it's nice to feel good because by anyone's standards my life sucks big time - I have hypermobility syndrome, CFS, Inflammatory Bowel Disease, a heart condition, anxiety, depression and a personality disorder made up of little bits of Avoidant & borderline. My beloved totally emotionally stable husband passed away 3 years ago. I have no kids, no job and don't get out much. I guess I was bound to try & fill the void with something!
I can't keep spending money on DVDs though. At the end of the day they're just, things, right? Things can't fill the void! So I'm making a pact not to buy any more until after Lent (which finishes on April 13th this year). I'm going to try and develop other areas of my life in ways which don't cost money - oh, and watch a few of the DVDs I've already got!
So if I look like I'm about to buy a DVD, please feel free to whack me upside the head lol! Wish me luck!
2 Comments Viewed 1147 times
It's been a little while since I blogged, so I thought I'd just write about a strange sensation I've started getting over the last fortnight or so. Now, I have TMJ disorder (made worse by the EDS & relentless tooth-grinding!) and am used to earache, twinges, popping, tinnitus and having a misaligned jaw etc etc, but this latest sensation is so weird that until today I couldn't even describe it properly. Basically, it periodically feels like something is crawling in my ear! Rubbing my ear relieves it temporarily but then it builds up again. I thought it might be referred from the overstrained muscles from the jaw. Don't think it's an ear infection!
I Googled it, and got no clear answer although many people have the same thing, it seems. Apparently it can even be a hallucination (parasitosis) but while I think it feels like an insect crawling in my ear, I don't think it actually is one!
I suppose I could mention it to my GP but frankly we're sick of the sight of each other & I'm not an Avoidant for nothing lol!
Oh well, just one more aspect to my whacky body!
2 Comments Viewed 550 times
I've thought before about starting a blog, but never done anything about it, so now I think - why not? I'm a very new poster here at PsychForums, although I've been lurking a long while. I have a variety of health problems, both physical and mental, about which I'll go into more detail at a later date. In a nutshell, though, I am depressive, anxious, avoidant and OCD with very low self-esteem. It's a toxic mixture that really holds me back in life. My physical problems include: Likely Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (hypermobility variant), Chronic Fatigue, Wolf-Parkinson-White Syndrome (heart problem) and osteoporosis. Another life-limiting, toxic mix...
In at least a couple of my posts here, I've apologised for "sounding crazy", which is silly - why apologise for that on a mental health forum? And would I dismiss anyone else as "crazy"? Of course not - I talk to myself far worse than I ever would another person. I am my own harshest critic!
Slight change of subject... tomorrow I'm seeing the GI surgeon to discuss the likelihood of my having an ileostomy. Let joy be unconfined! One would think that a stoma would be the final nail in the coffin of my self-image, but oddly, it isn't - I'd just be so grateful to have a modicum of my life back, that I don't care what I look like in that regard.
I think that's enough for now!
4 Comments Viewed 1719 times
5 blog entries • Page 1 of 1
Registered users: 7seconds, AlyciaBe, andie_withanie, Aries411, Baidu [Spider], Bears7, Belvedier, Bing [Bot], birdsong87, bobbyjoe1234, Courtney125, Darkwoof, Dolphinmuse, dtc_33, Exabot [Bot], exgfofanarc, Frostbite, Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, helloagain, Junferfrizz2, justonemoreperson, Kharisma, Lebkuchen, Lulalullaby, Majestic-12 [Bot], Moscato, MSNbot Media, NewSunRising, PerplexedMan, Pooshmeu, quietgirl2538, shininglights, TheCollective, Tmicrun, Yahoo [Bot]