Minor rant coming up lol! When I post in this forum, the worst piece of advice anyone can give me is to "see a therapist"! There I am, sharing something important to me in a long post, hoping to connect with someone who might have been through something similar and all I get is some well-meaning person saying "see a therapist - it helped me!" It's so invalidating!

I have actually heard of this thing called "therapy" (go figure, lol!) I am not anti-therapy and I've had a fair amount of it over the years - it's been very helpful. However, I can't afford one now, and you can't get long-term therapy on the NHS.

Venting on this forum IS my therapy - I'm not daft and please don't airily advise me to "get some"!

Rant over! Thanks for your kind attention lol!

Well, here I am again after a long absence! It's been a very, very difficult 6 months or so - a long, hard road and I'm not sure if it actually has an end. All I can do is plod on!

In May I had my ileostomy operation. Wow, what a shock to the system that was! I now have a little bag for poo attached to me on a permanent basis. Deeply unsexy but at least I'm getting out and about a bit more, which is good! I've joined a couple of local history groups and gone back to church. I'm also starting an online course on Medicine and Health in the Ancient World in the New Year. I feel like I need to rediscover myself again - my life has basically been on hold since my husband died 4 years ago.

Improvements notwithstanding, at times I feel painfully, deeply lonely, like I'm watching the world go by from behind a glass screen. I have a tendency to dissociate via maladaptive daydreaming. Sometimes I find myself feeling a tad paranoid and worrying that everyone hates me. I worry about frightening off all my friends & that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.

I'm still on social media FAR too much - although I've given Facebook the boot, I'm still hanging around on Twitter and Reddit (incidentally, why does everyone on Reddit think I'm a bloke?!)

As I posted on the AvPD forum, I've developed a rather painful unrequited crush on a chap in one of my groups. I guess I'll just have to get over it, rather like the flu! I do worry that it wouldn't be fair to encourage someone just now - after all, who would want a mad old bat with a stoma bag and more issues than the Radio Times?!

So all in all these are... interesting times. But I don't regret having the op at all - it's definitely improved things in some ways!

Oh dear. I have fallen off the DVD waggon & bought a bunch of DVDs. None very expensive on their own (they're all pre-owned) but it adds up!

I think I'm pinpointing the triggers to buying them though, and noting the feelings I get beforehand, and it all boils down to the loneliness, my low self-esteem and that buying them makes me feel good - a wee endorphin rush, if you will! It's as if I'm thinking, "Well, my life's rubbish & I don't get out much - I deserve a treat from time to time!" And the walls of DVDs - they're like a kind of fortress or security blanket (weird, I know!)

So I'm not at all proud of myself! But tomorrow is another day, right? Wish me luck while I pick myself up, dust myself down & get back on the waggon...

Oh, I've got an appointment with the rheumatologist tomorrow. Try & find out what form of EDS or connective tissue disorder I actually have. Because of my heart trouble, I'm concerned it may be the vascular form of EDS & I hope to God it isn't that, as apparently the mean age of survival with that is 40 and I'm already 47... But more likely than not it's the Hypermobility variant - my ability to dislocate my own fingers and flap them up & down like a demented castanet-player goes down a storm at parties!

Warning - whiny, self-pitying post coming up!

Today is St. Valentine's Day, and maybe I'm even more tired than usual but I feel that the pain of loneliness will overcome me - it's actually a physical pain, in my chest, and as I have a heart condition anyway that's a bit concerning, I think.

I lost my husband 3-and-a-half years ago, and I miss him like crazy. I have no children (I'm infertile), and am in such fragile physical & mental health that I can't work, so I don't have the consolation of throwing myself into a career. I've not completely dismissed the idea of another relationship but finding someone seems well-nigh impossible under the current circumstances. I fear I face a lonely, isolated old age.

Sorry to be so depressing! I do have friends who care, and I really appreciate that.

I should probably go to bed - I'm knackered lol!

It's been a while (yet again!) since I blogged here, but I wanted to talk about my addiction to buying DVDs which I believe has got a little out of hand. I have literally hundreds of them, in bookcases. I'm not just buying them for the sake of it - I genuinely love films but I've bought so many lately it's a bit - well, nuts. I only rarely buy new ones - most of them are used from Amazon & eBay. For box sets I tend to wait until I've got some money or vouchers for my birthday or Christmas.

So why do I buy them? Well, like any retail therapy, it feels good. And it's nice to feel good because by anyone's standards my life sucks big time - I have hypermobility syndrome, CFS, Inflammatory Bowel Disease, a heart condition, anxiety, depression and a personality disorder made up of little bits of Avoidant & borderline. My beloved totally emotionally stable husband passed away 3 years ago. I have no kids, no job and don't get out much. I guess I was bound to try & fill the void with something!

I can't keep spending money on DVDs though. At the end of the day they're just, things, right? Things can't fill the void! So I'm making a pact not to buy any more until after Lent (which finishes on April 13th this year). I'm going to try and develop other areas of my life in ways which don't cost money - oh, and watch a few of the DVDs I've already got!

So if I look like I'm about to buy a DVD, please feel free to whack me upside the head lol! Wish me luck!