to anyone who has sent me a PM and not got a proper reply yet, i'm not ignoring you, will get back to you as soon as i can but just not having a great time atm. if i don't reply by sometime next week probably means ive got confused, so if i don't, please just send me another msg and i will egt back to you.
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Some of my problems made it hard for me to know who i really am. so i'm trying to write some of that here. All of me is me.
i like being creative... i like doing art & writing/playing music... mostly to express my own feelings. i have a wild imagination and find fantasy & escapism fun cause i want to feel free. but am also quite down to earth about stuff. i have always been able to bring feelings out through my music even when i couldn't make sense of them myself. i like reading poetry people write on this site but i dont write much cause its not something i find that easy! i like being creative in all sorts of ways.
on one hand i'm outgoing and have a big "don't give a ###$ and i will try anything once attitude" with the world, *as a person* i don't care what most people think of me, but with letting people get to know me and get close i'm actually very shy. lol i do feel "paranoid" about people in general, but not in a psychotic sense, i just feel hostile like if a dog bites you you don't like dogs. i just dont feel at ease with people, in that sense inside im just still like a little kid who has been treated badly. i'm not afraid to admit i am afraid to those who im close to, but i find it hard to *be* afraid/vulnerable cause of some of my problems. it makes me into a very bitey dog myself at times lol.
when healthy i do stuff like yoga/meditation and martial arts - it also helps with my mental health and my fitness. i can relate to an idea of "spirituality", but to me that is more about inner peace, not magic. i like animals but i will also eat anything. when i say i can relate to animals more than people, animals can just be, they just exist. they dont have silly social norms. i have often felt that way too. also, i got empathy for animals before i got it for people lol.
there are things empathy has taught me, and apart from if i acted how i felt all the time i would be locked up by now, i have learned lots of (healthy & unhealthy ways) of controlling myself. so i often try to be calm and do the right thing (THIS is more what that spirituality thing is about to me - inner calm,) but inside i am very firey. i can let that out and let my hair down at times. this makes people think i am crazy and going manic when things get too much for me, cause i tend to kick out like hell when that happens, especially with the negative coping mechanisms i used to have (which are negative and i have to keep an eye on.), but it really isn't like mania. it is pain, not that sort of "craziness".
in some ways i am sensitive. things can set me off and i get very upset. i didn't use to have a conscience cause my parents ###$ me up, and i struggle with the devils sitting on my shoulder lol but i am not cold and empty. i am still a bit ###$ up, but i am not going to pathologise every single thing about me.
when im healthy i like being active, like going to the gym, doing my sport, doing challenging/dangerous stuff, call it thrill-seeking behaviour if you like but its hurting no one. as well as being adventurous i can be homely too, i'm also happy curled up on a rug in front of the fire as long as i'm not chained to it. i like talking about feeling and meaning too, i like thinking and coming up with ideas, as well as doing stuff. i like to think for myself, not just blindly believe what im told.
i know the world has no meaning, but i am at peace with that too. i know it can have meaning for me.
i'm passionate underneath it all. i want to love and be loved, but all my life i have not known how, so instead i idealised "love" that i didn't even know how to feel. i have a softer side, its just harder to get at. i can care, but i also have a lot of pain and anger inside. no one is all one thing or another.
in so many ways i am still learning who i am, but i don't feel like i need to know in the same way any more. i am happy just to find out as i go. i don't want to be stuck in mental...
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2 blog entries • Page 1 of 1
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