Ah, I see. Yes, that would do it. I actually relate to some of what you're saying in more ways than I, personally, would care to disclose. Why? No one knows about them.
You're quite candid; but I suppose you've nothing to lose as people already know of it. I have nothing to lose either, in a sense. Only in that since no one knows and doesn't need to, it never happened, and I've long since reached a point that it never will and I don't even think like that anymore, there's no sense in disclosing it.
I was always able to stop/keep myself from going through with it.
I will say that I've almost done the writing in blood thing. I was going to write the message on said persons mirror. This was when I was in my late teens. I can see how it would be difficult on paper and why you might have had to switch to text occasionally. I imagine you kept running out of blood? I don't know, I could just see that being an issue .. it would have to be kind of a fine wound and those tend to fill up with white blood cells rather quickly. Not that I cut or anything .. just general knowledge.
Ah yes, and then the time I decided I really wanted to piss on my stepmothers wedding dress that she had made herself and was in the final stages of finishing. Each time I was alone in the house, I'd pass that dress and the urge was so powerful but my conscious and better-sense turned itself up just enough to override the action. I loathed her, yes. I wished she'd get hit by a truck and I honestly would have been happy about it, yes. But I couldn't go through with it ultimately.
Anyway, my conscious has grown as I've gotten older.
That's about as much as I'll say...
I know for myself that behind it, motivating it all was incredible inner-pain. Pain really doesn't do the feeling justice. I just wanted the people in question and the world in general to quit hurting me. And, I wanted the hurt from my past to go away. It wouldn't quit tormenting me.
Although I don't do any of the acts or at least not the extreme ones it's all still fueling a personality underneath me with one f--k of an attitude and keeps others from being able to relate to me although I desperately wanted some of them as friends.
I'm harmless now unless seriously provoked. Some people seem to see something, though. My ex's friends --especially the meeker ones, and always the guys-- would tremble around me. I wasn't even doing though insofar as I was aware, lol. I think it's a vibe I give off. Also I never get messed with, ever, so I seem to have some vibe.
If someone did attack me, though, I would beat them within an inch of their lives and enjoy it as I'd have the full knowledge that I'd be completely within my rights -- it would be fun. Never happens though
I think I'm pretty calculating. Calculation that goes beyond BPD manipulation.
Part of why I responded with a couple of stories of my own was to let you know you hadn't turned me away from you or anything, and that what you said doesn't scare me or freak me out or anything. I don't think you're a bad person, either... You're just in pain, like me.
It's actually nice to share f--ked up crap with someone who I know wont bat an eyelid at it and will actually understand it. I'd still like to know you if that's alright with you.
The things you say, and the things I said --and the things I didn't-- make me wonder if I've got AsPD-lite. Just as I wonder if I've got BPD-lite. All I know is that all of it combined along with major depression, social anxiety etc makes it incredibly hard for me to function insofar as a job, getting friendships and relationships and maintaining them. I'm currently living on disability, once again, and I told myself I'd never be on disability again.
Sorry about the huge ramble...
"I assess the power of a will by how much resistance, pain, torture it endures and knows how to turn it to its advantage." -- Friedrich Nietzsche