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jessicaborthwick
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kicked out were i was living

Permanent Linkby jessicaborthwick on Sat Jul 02, 2011 7:01 am

[quote="Apocallcaps"]May I ask what happened with your other accommodation; that is, why you lost it?[/quote]

this in my answer to Apocallcaps question for some reason it wont let me commet on blog comments so i will answer it in my blog

i lost it because i was going to stab one of the other people there (there were 2 others there) and i wrote on paper in my own blood that i will stab her ect (lots of disturbing things like that) i was sick of her and was really depressed and had bad anxiety so i ask to be hospitalized for a few days didn't help got discharged ended up back in hospital 7 hours later but this time the police saw what i had been writing (half in my own blood and half in texta) they took it to the hospital with us. my workers had a meeting and diced i will not go back and i agree with them it will get to the point it was at were one or more of these will happen-
1 i kill her/hurt her
2 i hurt/kill myself
3 ended back in hospital
4 prison
5 go around lighting fires

i had a lot of homicidal thoughts not just at her but to any random person and i wanted to go around randomly starting fires and i was at the point of acting on them. (i still have these thoughts but i will not act on them at this point in time, in future who knows)

i love watching stuff burn and watching blood or someone bleed (i know im f**ked in the head no one needs to point that out)

:evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

Do Not Distorb Im Distorbed Enough Already
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RE: kicked out were i was living

Permanent Linkby jessicaborthwick on Sat Jul 02, 2011 8:48 am

now it shows up in the comments
oh well its there twice
Do Not Distorb Im Distorbed Enough Already
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Re: kicked out were i was living

Permanent Linkby Apocallcaps on Sat Jul 02, 2011 8:50 am

Ah, I see. Yes, that would do it. I actually relate to some of what you're saying in more ways than I, personally, would care to disclose. Why? No one knows about them.

You're quite candid; but I suppose you've nothing to lose as people already know of it. I have nothing to lose either, in a sense. Only in that since no one knows and doesn't need to, it never happened, and I've long since reached a point that it never will and I don't even think like that anymore, there's no sense in disclosing it.

I was always able to stop/keep myself from going through with it.

I will say that I've almost done the writing in blood thing. I was going to write the message on said persons mirror. This was when I was in my late teens. I can see how it would be difficult on paper and why you might have had to switch to text occasionally. I imagine you kept running out of blood? I don't know, I could just see that being an issue .. it would have to be kind of a fine wound and those tend to fill up with white blood cells rather quickly. Not that I cut or anything .. just general knowledge.

Ah yes, and then the time I decided I really wanted to piss on my stepmothers wedding dress that she had made herself and was in the final stages of finishing. Each time I was alone in the house, I'd pass that dress and the urge was so powerful but my conscious and better-sense turned itself up just enough to override the action. I loathed her, yes. I wished she'd get hit by a truck and I honestly would have been happy about it, yes. But I couldn't go through with it ultimately.

Anyway, my conscious has grown as I've gotten older.

That's about as much as I'll say...

I know for myself that behind it, motivating it all was incredible inner-pain. Pain really doesn't do the feeling justice. I just wanted the people in question and the world in general to quit hurting me. And, I wanted the hurt from my past to go away. It wouldn't quit tormenting me.

Although I don't do any of the acts or at least not the extreme ones it's all still fueling a personality underneath me with one f--k of an attitude and keeps others from being able to relate to me although I desperately wanted some of them as friends.

I'm harmless now unless seriously provoked. Some people seem to see something, though. My ex's friends --especially the meeker ones, and always the guys-- would tremble around me. I wasn't even doing though insofar as I was aware, lol. I think it's a vibe I give off. Also I never get messed with, ever, so I seem to have some vibe.

If someone did attack me, though, I would beat them within an inch of their lives and enjoy it as I'd have the full knowledge that I'd be completely within my rights -- it would be fun. Never happens though :( I think I'm pretty calculating. Calculation that goes beyond BPD manipulation.

Part of why I responded with a couple of stories of my own was to let you know you hadn't turned me away from you or anything, and that what you said doesn't scare me or freak me out or anything. I don't think you're a bad person, either... You're just in pain, like me.

It's actually nice to share f--ked up crap with someone who I know wont bat an eyelid at it and will actually understand it. I'd still like to know you if that's alright with you.

The things you say, and the things I said --and the things I didn't-- make me wonder if I've got AsPD-lite. Just as I wonder if I've got BPD-lite. All I know is that all of it combined along with major depression, social anxiety etc makes it incredibly hard for me to function insofar as a job, getting friendships and relationships and maintaining them. I'm currently living on disability, once again, and I told myself I'd never be on disability again.

Sorry about the huge ramble...
"I assess the power of a will by how much resistance, pain, torture it endures and knows how to turn it to its advantage." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
Apocallcaps
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Re: kicked out were i was living

Permanent Linkby jessicaborthwick on Sat Jul 02, 2011 11:35 am

[quote="Apocallcaps"]I was always able to stop/keep myself from going through with it. [/quote]

im almost past stoping myself

[quote="Apocallcaps"] will say that I've almost done the writing in blood thing. I was going to write the message on said persons mirror. This was when I was in my late teens. I can see how it would be difficult on paper and why you might have had to switch to text occasionally. I imagine you kept running out of blood? I don't know, I could just see that being an issue .. it would have to be kind of a fine wound and those tend to fill up with white blood cells rather quickly. Not that I cut or anything .. just general knowledge.[/quote]

i didn't run out of blood i thought i would give my arm a rest i had to keep cutting to keep the blood supply

[quote="Apocallcaps"] I don't do any of the acts or at least not the extreme ones it's all still fueling a personality underneath me with one f--k of an attitude and keeps others from being able to relate to me although I desperately wanted some of them as friends. [/quote]

i have few friends none know all my secrets

[quote="Apocallcaps"]I'm harmless now unless seriously provoked. Some people seem to see something, though. My ex's friends --especially the meeker ones, and always the guys-- would tremble around me. I wasn't even doing though insofar as I was aware, lol. I think it's a vibe I give off. Also I never get messed with, ever, so I seem to have some vibe. [/quote]

im far from harmless and everyone but 2 of my friends know it (the 2 would rather believe im harmless if only they know the hole story)
i think people get the same vibe off me to even in prison the other women didn't mess with me and the gards were scared of me

[quote="Apocallcaps"] if someone did attack me, though, I would beat them within an inch of their lives and enjoy it as I'd have the full knowledge that I'd be completely within my rights -- it would be fun. Never happens though :( I think I'm pretty calculating. Calculation that goes beyond BPD manipulation.[/quote]

same

[quote="Apocallcaps"] of why I responded with a couple of stories of my own was to let you know you hadn't turned me away from you or anything, and that what you said doesn't scare me or freak me out or anything. I don't think you're a bad person, either... You're just in pain, like me.

It's actually nice to share f--ked up crap with someone who I know wont bat an eyelid at it and will actually understand it. I'd still like to know you if that's alright with you.

The things you say, and the things I said --and the things I didn't-- make me wonder if I've got AsPD-lite. Just as I wonder if I've got BPD-lite. All I know is that all of it combined along with major depression, social anxiety etc makes it incredibly hard for me to function insofar as a job, getting friendships and relationships and maintaining them. I'm currently living on disability, once again, and I told myself I'd never be on disability again.[/quote]

im living on disability (been on it since i was 16) never had a paying job. i have done a little bit of voluntary but my problems got in the way

[quote="Apocallcaps"] Sorry about the huge ramble...[/quote]

that cool ramble as much as you want

i see we think alike
Do Not Distorb Im Distorbed Enough Already
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jessicaborthwick
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