sometimes i don't know about therapy. i know that i need it, but i find it completely overwhelming sometimes.
we've just reached the social skills chapter in the dbt book. i've spent three days in something i'm now recognizing not just to be depression, but a mild form of shutdown. it's almost as though i can feel the switches going to the off position. i turn nocturnal again. i bury myself in repetitive activities. for me, this means either computer games or pencil puzzles. i have other interests, but these are the ones i turn to when the world is feeling much too big.
it isn't even that i don't want to be social. but this is a social skills chapter written for those who don't have other challenges. it's written for people who can make sense of the basics with ease, and for whom social interaction doesn't represent extra 'tests' and stresses.
i feel that i'm about to enter class 501, and i'm still working on 101.
i know i've been socially isolating. but really at the time, it was a necessity, because i was completely overwhelmed, and i couldn't do any more than i was doing.
i think i'm slowly starting to move out of complete avoidance of everything. and then i'm presented with something that feels so hugely challenging. and it's overwhelming. and i want to move back into shutdown.
i'm not sure what to do. i know i need to keep going. i've decided that just giving up isn't really an option.
time to talk about it all again, i suppose. i don't know what else to do.
and all of this is happening when i'm coming out of denial of my neurological differences. and i'm coming out of denial largely because i can't afford to be there any more. and because i just want to know. some days, when i'm feeling particularly out of the loop with all of it, i want to attribute my quirks to about ten different things. but i know deep down that i process things differently, and i've always known it. nld---and even asperger's---explains so much in that regard.
occam's razor . i really think it works best.