Yeah.... it is safe to say I won't be changing my poll choice anytime soon. On a scale of 1-10 with 1 being me doing poorly and 10 being me doing well, I would say I was at about a 2. That being said, I think it was SUPPOSED TO BE a date (well, about 60%).

I don't really know how I feel about this.

She was so, so beautiful. I can't describe it, and it is so intimidating. I don't know. Just everything about her seems so perfect. I can't understand.

Basically, I don't think I was even really "there" for most of it.

But let me start from the beginning.

So, I left about 10:10. First mistake, there. I got there at about 10:45. The meet wasn't scheduled until 11:20. She texted me, as I was driving, that she had overslept and would be late. So, I got there, and I waited in my car. Then, 11:25, she said she was just leaving. So, I waited more, and she got there about 11:45. So, my spirits were kinda down that she would oversleep, but that kind of thing happens, and I wanted to still be able to enjoy it.

So, we went in, and I opened the door for her. We sat down. The people working there were nice. We sat at a booth with the two of us.

She ordered an enchilada, and I ordered a burrito. We kinda talked, kinda. But not really conversational. It never flowed. It wasn't awkward per say, it just wasn't good. We talked about a few things, and laughed a little, but it wasn't some kind of grand, happy time, and sometimes, we were just sitting there with nothing to talk about at all. That connection wasn't really there, either. We were both really reserved and everything. I didn't know what to ask her. I asked how she was, how she liked the new semester, how she did last semester, she said something about changing her major, and I asked her about that. She asked how my mom was doing, we talked some about professors.

I had trouble with my hands shaking and trying to eat, but she acted like she didn't notice.

She wouldn't let me pay for her, and she left the tip (and gave me a look that she does and told me not to when I tried to add more to it). Sadly, that look was the most connection that was there.

No hug or anything afterwards, just "bye", and she said that she had a good time, but I don't know how sincere it was. It wasn't a "I had a good timeee!" or "I had a GOOD TIME" like a flirty kind of way, just like an "I enjoyed it" kind of "I had a good time".

It felt like a hybrid between a date and a friendly meeting.

In the words of Monk, I'm not man. I'm a mutant. Half man, half wuss. I'm a muss.

I guess, in the spirit of completionism, I need to text her and tell her I had a good time and to text me if she want to get back together. Still, it feels like a losing battle. There was my happiness for this 6 months. Fun while I lasted, I guess.

I just can't get over how beautiful she was today... truly amazing. I didn't think it was possible for a human being to look so good. Why does my mind have to work like this?

I want it to be a year ago, today. I would gladly suffer through AP classes again to be able to fix this. I would give 10 points off my IQ for one more hug (as long as it was a good hug like that one time).

I know there was a time when I could talk to people right. I was still strange, but I could carry conversations and have fun. Why can't that happen anymore?