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flowingtears
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Stitches

Permanent Linkby flowingtears on Tue Apr 17, 2012 10:04 pm

*trigger*


It's funny, most of the time I end up having to "talk myself into" cutting. Thoughts of cutting are never far from my mind, but I almost have to force myself to go through with it a lot of the time. I hesitate before I do it, brace myself for how much it might hurt (I really don't like pain). My cutting doesn't even hurt that much after I break through the skin, yet because of that momentary pain and because I know it "should" hurt, I always dread it slightly. I know that once I start cutting, once I get caught up in it, I'll feel that wonderful sense of relief that makes it worth it, but I really wish I didn't have to feel even momentary pain. Then again, it probably wouldn't feel "right" if it didn't hurt. I've experimented with numbing my skin in the past, but it always sort of felt like cheating.

I cut this morning, and stitched it up myself. Not a new thing, just something I haven't done in a while. I'm actually quite good at self-stitching, better than some doctors I've had stitch me up in the past. Even my psychiatrist has commented on how well I stitch myself. I probably shouldn't be proud of this, but there's so little I actually feel like I'm good at, so it's nice to feel proud of myself, even if it's for a negative thing. I'm not stitching myself so I can hide my self harm, I do plan to tell my community psych nurse tomorrow, it's just better than waiting in A&E all night and being lectured on the dangers of self harm (which I already know and don't need to hear again).
I also stitch myself sometimes because I like to feel as though I'm "fixing" myself. I may not be able to fix myself mentally, but fixing a physical wound is almost as good, at least for a while.

~The Official Crazy Cat Lady
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