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flowingtears
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   Mon Oct 15, 2012 5:29 pm

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Skin graft

Permanent Linkby flowingtears on Fri Apr 13, 2012 12:28 pm

*possible trigger*

It's been over a month since I wrote here. I ended up needing a skin graft for my burns. I was sort of forced to go to A&E, but nobody forced me to go ahead with the skin graft.

That was a week and a half ago, and I've cut once since then, but didn't need to go to A&E.
I've decided I'm not seeing my psychiatrist any more. Part of this is because she's leaving soon, and it hurts less if I quit first. Part of this is because I really see no point in continuing to see a psychiatrist. I'm not taking medication, and I have a therapist if I need to talk.

I'm still seeing my community psychiatric nurse once a week. I'm not going to continue with that for much longer either though. She really doesn't get me at all. She told me on Wednesday that I feel the way I do because I want to. Which I disagree with. I choose how I respond to my feelings, I choose my actions, but I don't choose my feelings.

Oh, I'm also still attending outpatients appointments to get the skin graft checked, and I have to go and get my dressing changed 3 times a week. I really shouldn't have burned myself so badly, even with a skin graft I was told it'll take months to heal, and that's if the skin graft takes properly (it didn't look so great today).

I alternate between feeling detached, and feeling completely overwhelmed. I feel like it's only a matter of time until I do something drastic. My CPN and therapist keep pointing out how well I'm functioning. I manage to turn up for appointments, true, but that's about all I manage to do. They don't see me when I'm alone, panicking and in tears, wanting to destroy myself, desperate for anything to make me feel better. I try so hard to make it look like I'm coping, like I have everything together. The reality is so much different, but I can't bring myself to drop the pretence. And even when I do try to drop it, when I try to be honest, when I try to say that, no, I'm actually not really functioning, others try to make out like I'm lying.

~The Official Crazy Cat Lady
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