*trigger*

I haven't taken antihistamines in almost 2 weeks. This is good, right? Maybe, maybe not. I've been making it up for it in other ways.

I ended up in A&E again last week, needing internal stitches. That was a horrible experience (not the internal stitches, that's nothing new, the way I was treated). I was ignored when I said I couldn't straighten my fingers, The doctor didn't even clean the cut before stitching. After waiting 12 hours for a psychiatrist, I walked out. Security made me go back. I tried to sign myself out against medical advice, wasn't allowed. I was left sobbing and hyperventilating for an hour while everyone ignored me. The psychiatrist was ok. She spoke to me, called my psychiatrist, and let me leave.

I haven't cut since then, but I burned myself last night and the night before. I won't go into detail about how, but they weren't heat burns. The first one is either bad second degree or minor 3rd degree, and I was stupid enough to do it on my wrist, so my wrist won't bend at the moment (it wasn't bending properly anyway after the last cutting episode, but now it's worse). The second one is, without a doubt, 3rd degree. I'm not going to describe how it looks, but all the layers of skin have been burned through. It doesn't hurt either.

I considered A&E, but I didn't want a repeat of last week. Also, the last time I went with a 3rd degree burn (which they themselves agreed was 3rd degree), they asked why I felt the need to get medical attention for it, and just gave me a clean dressing and antibiotics (a couple of weeks later in the psych ward, it was seen by a plastic surgeon, who said if it was even a tiny bit bigger or wasn't healing as well, I'd have needed a skin graft). I have clean dressings, and I'm taking some antibiotics I found in my cupboard (they're still in date). I considered seeing my GP, but she'll either freak out and section me, or simply tell me to continue the antibiotics. I'll show my psychiatrist on Tuesday and see what she says (I know she's a psychiatrist, and doesn't practice general medicine, but she does have a medical degree, right? At the very least she'll know if she should refer to me to someone else to get it seen to).

My little sister got out of the psych ward about a week ago, only to end up back in yesterday because she was "depressed". At least she didn't attempt anything this time.

I stayed with my best friend for a few days. I was meant to go visit her again this weekend,but it seemed like way too much effort, and I sort of wanted to stay at home so I could hurt myself.

This isn't even about feeling better (not completely anyway). It's about destroying myself, doing as much damage as I possibly can. Erasing my existence one injury at a time. Punishing myself for existing. You might wonder why I hate myself so much. I don't even know the answer to that.