*warning - incredibly long and some parts may trigger*
*please do not feel like you have to read, but if you want to, by all means go ahead!*
I decided to get high. I took various things I had lying around the apartment (none of them actually bought for the purpose of getting high). I'm not tell you what I took, because it probably is dangerous, thinking about it logically, but oh my God, I feel like I'm on ecstasy. It's been so long since I got high, so this feels doubly amazing.
I feel good right now. Not just ok, good. I am happy, I have energy, I feel like I love myself and every other person in the world. I'm supposed to be up in 4 hours, but I'm so wired, there's no way I'll be able to sleep. I'll just take a top-up dose before I go back to the hospital in the morning. Seeing my doctor and psychologist like this will be interesting. And technically I haven't broken any of their rules. I wasn't trying to hurt myself or make myself ill, I was just trying to get high.
I think I should go to Tesco soon, it's open 24 hours. Just think of all the amazing things I could buy!
I ordered R and A's Christmas presents online. I'm having them delivered to their address so that they get them sooner, and also so that if anything happens to me, they'll still get presents.
My cats have deserted me. I can't see either of them, even though I know they're around. Maybe I should call them. Kitten might not answer, but Merg might.
-I called them, no answer. I'll get up in a minute and find them.
Did I mention how good I feel?
I wish people on here weren't hurting so much. Especially mystic and lonely-girl. I wonder about Tayola too, she sort of reminds me of myself when I was younger (sorry sweetheart, if you find that an insult)
I wish I could hug all of you, make you all feel safe and loved.
Oh, and Infinite_Jester is awesome. We've been pm'ing a lot, and he's a really nice guy. I think if he lived near me, we'd be friends, proper friends that hang out together.
I have no idea how long this is going to be, because the feel of the keys on my fingers as I type is almost orgasmic (did I just say that?!). I think I need music.
-I have music. The Benjamin Gate. They're a Christian band, and I'm not sure where I stand with Christianity, but it's awesome music.
I feel like I could sit here for hours typing and listening to music. If this is getting too long for anyone reading, you can stop reading. I always get like this when I'm high. It started when I took pills with some friends once, and couldn't stop talking, and they got sick of it, so eventually told me to just write what I was thinking instead of saying it. And I discovered I liked writing when I'm high.
I have a suicide note to write. I don't know when I'm going to kill myself, probably not soon, but I should have a note prepared. I know not everyone who kills themselves leaves a note - it's not a requirement, but I like the idea of people having some sort of understanding of why I killed myself.
I've attempted suicide many times. And been close to death without being actively suicidal. That should scare me, but the closer I feel I am to death, the calmer I become. I remember back in 2008, I tried to kill myself by blood loss. It didn't work, but I felt so ill. I barely made it to the hospital the next morning. They told me my haemoglobin was dangerously low, and I could die at any time, but I refused treatment. So they sectioned me and got a court order to transfuse me. I was even in the paper over that, but wasn't mentioned by name. My haemoglobin has been close to or lower than that since, but I've learned my lesson, and I don't refuse treatment. Why bother refusing when you'll be forced to have it anyway?
Oh, how morbid of me to talk about suicide plans and attempts. My life is focused around it though. I live from one crisis to the next. My life is a rollercoaster, but it's mainly of my own making. I really should accept the help I'm being offered, I just don't know how to.
My psychiatrist is leaving in May. I don't want her too. I know it's wrong, but I'm more attached to her than I am to most other people in my life. It feels like I'm being abandoned, even though I know it is most definitely not personal. She's not leaving to get away from me. She's leaving because she's getting older, and she feels tired and burned out (she told me this, I'm not guessing)
The psychologist is nice, but she's too detached. I know some detachment is necessary but hers seems more extreme than is required.
My therapist is awesome. She never pressures me to stop cutting or asks difficult questions. She just lets me vent. Unfortunately I don't see her often, both because she's very busy and because she's away a lot.
My CPN is nice enough, just not very good. When talking to me, it seems like she isn't listening and doesn't care, but she reports back everything to my psychiatrist and gets me in trouble. Plus she spends too much time playing with or talking to my cats.
I've had the same GP for 14 years. She knows me very well, and is heavily involved in my care, even while I'm an inpatient. She's the only one of my team who doesn't agree with encouraging me to practise "harm reduction", she thinks I should stop altogether.
I haven't heard from K in weeks. I'm quite relieved actually. He's a nice guy, but it stresses me out having to see him. And being honest, I'm a little messed up when it comes to sex. I mean, I do enjoy it, but at the same time it feels like I'm not really there. That's probably more than you wanted to know!
Oh, did I mention I think CrackedGirl is awesome? She always seems to know what to say, and it seems like everyone likes her. I'm not jealous, I know she's had it tough too, but she is a pretty awesome person.
6am. There will be no sleep for me tonight! Funny, people are probably getting up for work now, and here I am, typing random drug induced thoughts into a blog that very few people probably read.But who cares?!
I gained so much weight over Christmas. I've given up caring though. I am overweight, but I could be (and have been) a lot more overweight. I'm finding that weight is only a problem if you let it be. I had a slight flirtation with an eating disorder at one point. I was eating barely anything, taking diet pills, and exercising every day. I dropped loads of weight, but I've put it all back on now. BUT WHO CARES?! My friends still love me, my family love me, my cats love me. I'm still the same person, whether I'm skinny or fat. And I'd rather be overweight than go back to being so obsessed with my weight, letting the number on the scales dictate my mood. And being thin does not actually make you happy. I always thought it would, but I was wrong.
My sister, the 21 year old who lives away from home, has lost a disturbing amount of weight. She says it's from eating healthily and doing exercise, but I have my doubts. I'll be keeping an eye on her whenever I see her, and if she loses any more weight, I'll have to talk to her again.
My other sister, the 14 year old, is really overweight. She eats non-stop. It's almost like she can't help herself. She told me she eats to handle her emotions. I suppose I understand that, after all that's part of the reason I cut myself. Her psychiatrist thinks it's linked to her bipolar, and that if they get the bipolar under control, the eating will follow. I really hope so. I mean, I think she's beautiful no matter what size she is, and I'm sure lots of other people do too, but her weight really depresses her.
I got all these books about self injury and borderline personality disorder just after Christmas, and haven't even read half of them. I keep meaning to read, but then I get distracted by the internet. I post on this forum, and 2 other forums. And I'm on facebook. Also everyday I look up the new lolcats on icanhascheezburger website and go onto damnyouautocorrect.
D tried to call me earlier. The guy who was meant to meet me before Christmas, but kept making excuses. He's in hospital now, so I suppose I'll see him tomorrow (well, today!!!) as well as my friend A who was recently admitted too (she's the one that texts me like a million times a day and freaks out if I don't reply within 2 minutes - sort of annoying, but at least she cares)
My best friend has DID. At least I presume she does. Her alters used to be around a lot, but since her girlfriend moved in with her, I haven't seen any of the alters, and they're never talked about. I don't want to ask her about it, because if she wanted to talk about it, she'd talk without being asked. I know a couple of years back a few of her alters had integrated, so it's possible that the rest have too. I shouldn't be sad about that, but one of her alters is a 5 year old girl, L, and she is such a sweet kid. We always got on really well. I used to buy her presents, play games, and watch movies with her.
Merg has appeared! She was upstairs. I said hi, she said meow, and jumped up beside me.
I don't think my doctor will make me stay in tonight, because she said once every couple of weeks, and I stayed in last week. You never know though, so I won't let Kitten out later. If I let her out, and then found out I had to stay in the hospital, I wouldn't be there to let her back in.
Merg doesn't go outside. She's very sweet, but not the smartest of cats, and I live pretty close to a main road. Kitten has sense, I trust her not to go near the road, so she's allowed out.
This is seriously long now! I don't even think there's any point to this. But it doesn't have to have a point.
My best friend is my "twin". We were born within a week of each other, our dads have the same name and the same sort of personality. Therefore we decided we are twins. I met her in hospital when I was 18. We had so much fun together. The nurses used to refer to us as "double trouble". I wrapped R in Christmas paper once, wheeled her down the corridor in a chair, and tried to put her under the Christmas tree. Another time we got eyepatches in Christmas crackers, so we made cardboard swords, put on our eyepatches, and had a sword fight.
6.30am. Wow, time is going so fast. I should really finish this, but I don't want to.
I was planning to kill myself this week. Then I spoke to my best friend. She invited me to visit, told me she had presents,and I thought to myself. "Yay presents. And my friend loves me. I'll forget about killing myself for now."
If I died, I'd feel most guilty about leaving the cats. Yes, the people in my life would be devastated, but maybe one day they'd be able to make some sense of it. The cats couldn't do that. All they'd know was that I was gone. They wouldn't know where or why, and they'd miss me, because my cats love me and are incredibly loyal to me.
Enough talk about death! Happy things!
Let me just think about today. Not tomorrow, not next week - just today. Today, I am high, therefore I feel good. Today I have 2 wonderful adorable beautiful affectionate kitty cats. Today I have a family who love me, however bad they are at expressing it. Today I have a psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, GP and CPN, who are all trying to help me and dedicated to helping me get better. Today I have wonderful friends, and wonderful memories that I share with them. Today I have an apartment,which is tidy, my rent is paid, my bills are paid. Today, nobody I care about is dying. Today I have money to spare. Today I don't need to feel any pressure about being fixed right away. Today I don't need to worry about applying for courses or jobs. Today I have pretty clothes that I love and everyone else admires. Today nobody hates me and I don't hate anyone. Today I don't feel the urge to harm myself right now, immediately, this second.The thoughts are there, but today I can cope without acting on them. Today I am young and single and have very few responsibilities.
You know what's weird? I can breathe so much easier than normal. Most of the time there's an element of underlying anxiety, but now I am not anxious at all so I can breathe much better.
I really am going to end this.
+2 million points for anyone who read all of my rambling. If you did, leave me a comment. You don't have to say much, even a word will do.
~The Official Crazy Cat Lady3 Comments Viewed 5854 times
Really huge hugs hon.
You are such a beautiful person and you offer such help and support to others. Please turn some of that on yourself and look after yourself.
It scares me this is the last post from you and it was from so long ago :'(
My damn inactivity! I'm sorry! Please be safe
I'm worried now! x(
Noway! I don't think that's an insult at all. I can't believe how spot on you are - I feel like we're feeling exactly the same things
It makes me feel less alone
Please be safe - I really hope you are
'cause we all have wings, but some of us don't know why.
Interesting to hear about your day. Keep safe with all the random drugs you take.
Little Angel, go away, come again some other day.
The Devil has my ear today, I'll never hear a word you say.
Schizoaffective - Bipolar type
3 replies • Page 1 of 1
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