I feel like I'm talking to myself on here, since my last 2 blogs haven't been approved yet.
Anyway, I'm a lot calmer than the other day. I spoke to my doctor yesterday, and after being really angry with her, I then apologised, and ended up in tears, telling her in detail each of the 4 ways I've thought about using to kill myself at some point in the next year or so. One of the ways involves pills I already have. She wants me to give them to my community psych nurse. Not happening.
I saw my therapist today. She basically tried to talk me out of killing myself. I just stared at her.
I posted on another forum that I've been a member of for years about how I'll be dead before I'm 25. Someone replied that they started crying when they read it. I've known this girl for years, met her in person several times. We text, talk on MSN, send gifts to each other. So I suppose it's understandable she's upset. I don't feel guilty though.
I discussed this with my therapist today - how difficult it is for me to empathise with people. I "know" how they're feeling, I can say and do the right things, but I don't "feel" it. My therapist says I developed it unconsciously, to protect myself. I suppose that makes sense.