My last entry, from Saturday, still hasn't been approved. So I'm not sure why I'm even bothering to post again.

*possible trigger*

I ended up in A&E today after seeing my psychiatrist. I'd taken antihistamines, and my blood pressure and pulse were high when my psychiatrist checked them. I then got an ECG done, and it was abnormal, so I was forced to go to A&E (psychiatrist said she'd section me if I didn't go to A&E)

They did some blood tests and repeated the ECG a few hours later. Everything was normal, but they wanted me to stay overnight and see the cardiologist in the morning. I refused, so I signed an AMA (against medical advice) form and went home.

I'm disappointed everything turned out ok. I wanted there to be something wrong. I feel like I've failed somehow. It seems no matter what I do, I end up ok. I can cut deeply and hit arteries (as well as causing nerve and tendon damage). I can lose large amounts of blood. I can get my haemoglobin down to a dangerous level. I can take so-called lethal doses of medication. I can overdose every day for weeks. By all rights, I should be dead. I've never even passed out (unless you count drifting in and out of consciousness in an ambulance one of the times I got my haemoglobin really low).
I am trying to destroy myself. I don't do the things I do "in spite" of the dangers, I do them "because" of the dangers.