*possible trigger*
It's been a while since I posted a blog.
I haven't been back to see the psychiatrist since my skin graft. I knew my psychiatrist was leaving at the end of May, so it was a case of leaving before she left me. Then I didn't want to see the psychiatrist who replaced her, both because I'm not comfortable with a male psychiatrist and because I didn't want to start over.
My GP recently wrote to me and insisted I start seeing her again. That was just over a month ago. I went to see her, ended up breaking down in tears, and was put on trazodone. I feel less depressed, but I'm more impulsive and my mood changes more frequently.
I'm not cutting as much, and haven't burned myself since the skin graft. Been getting high a lot though, using various prescription medications (not prescribed for me, I get them from friends or online). My GP found out, and is now treating me like a drug addict. I'm not addicted though, and the main reason I often get high instead of self harming is that my self harm usually requires stitches and people freak out. Also, my haemoglobin is low, any lower and I'd need another transfusion, so I need to keep the blood loss under control.
Been seeing K again, the guy I've been sleeping with on and off for 3 or 4 years. We're not dating, but even meeting up with him once a week or so feels horribly overwhelming. He's a nice guy, and I get the feeling he might even like it if we were officially dating, but I'm too messed up to contemplate anything like a normal relationship. My therapist thinks seeing him is bad for me, especially because he's about 20 years older than me and I originally met him on a hook-up site.
I don't know. My life feels horribly complicated, even though to an outside observe it's probably not complicated at all.