I'm so ******* lonely. The people who love me are near, but somehow that doesn't help right now. I don't feel like talking to my friends about it, what does that say?
/that you don't trust them/?
Why don't I trust my friends? It hurts in my chest and in my throat; right in the middle. Something heavy. It aches and I'm scared of it.
I feel like reaching out to strangers online but I'm scared because that hasn't ended well in the past. Why do I trust strangers and not even my own family? Because there's less to lose? Or because I know they know my pain?
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and you live for every moment of the song. you know what's coming and you want it, and it yet surprises and delights you despite this expectation. the power held within music is intangible, but so moving I can hardly stand it.
"He had the saddest eyes
the girl had ever seen.
He used to cry some nights,
as though he lived a dream..."
apoptygma berzerk - "cambodia"
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(Owl) These are lyrics to "Neurotic" by Keith Caputo, and Boaz wanted to post them. I feel the need to clarify...
(Boaz) You realize that feeling the need to "clarify" that you don't do drugs could come across as judgmental towards those who do or have done drugs. Let me clarify. (Trigger Warning!)
I have been stabbed with many needles, the content of which is mostly unknown. By doctor's, though, so it's all okay then.
My commentary is in parentheses.
i feel unworthy, my body feels dirty (My body is dirty. So are the other bodies around me. I wish to dispose of them all.)
i spit up your thoughts on my breakfast plate (People constantly try and shove their thoughts and values down my throat, I want to spit it back. It's not mine and I don't want it.)
and i'm a neurotic, murder inside me (Murder is inside me)
i'm feeling ragged, torn in my cellar
infection has grown into body art
i'm a neurotic, murder inside me
the coffin hole's your special friend
death is wonder, the restful end
muddy waters up to my neck, wretched weeper needle head
wretched weeper, syringe me with addiction
syringe me, syringe me, syringe me with addiction
i'm feeling lonely, without my injection
i'll smash all your brains with the christmas tree
and i'm a neurotic, murder inside me
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Quotes from shamanicjourney.com
Owl: The owl has keen sight and hearing to catch it's prey at night. Owl is observant and will try to see things/situations from as many angles as possible before forming firm judgment. The owl's wings are designed for quiet flight, and likewise, Owl tries to go with the flow, and not disturb her surroundings.
Swan: “The Ugly Duckling is a widely known children story...[that] highlights the deceptive nature of first appearances and also reminds us that true beauty grows from within.” Swan will find the beauty in everyone and she believes in second chances. The swan is a symbol of grace, femininity and romance, which Swan holds close to hear heart.
Sparrow: Flighty and spontaneous, Sparrow enjoys mingling with others and light non-serious conversation. Like the sparrow, Sparrow's mind soars, to seemingly random places. Sparrow is good natured, energetic and talkative, and has a way with her words. The sparrow represents creative problem solving, strength in numbers and community. Like the sparrow, Sparrow is fastidious in her life, and once she sets a goal she is determined to keep working until she has successfully completed it.
Wolf: Wolf is dog-like: loving and loyal. He works well with others and enjoys the company of a certain pack, but also takes time on his own, to consider, and be introspective. He can be vicious if triggered badly, but is usually thoughtful before taking action. Wolf is very emotional, and so wolves howling is resonant for him.
Bear: Bears can be strong and imposing, and fierce when protecting their own. Bear may be our most aggressive protector, but when he's not triggered, he's calm and cool as a cucumber. Bears are in touch with the needs of their body, which is how they know when to hibernate and when to wake up in the spring. Bear is one of, if not the most in tune with our body and it's needs, and he makes sure we get enough sleep.
Fox: The fox is noted for being clever and sneaky, in the wild, it's ability to predict the future aided it's survival, as well as it's ability to disappear into the surroundings. Fox is sly and crafty, he loves making jokes, and often says things with the intention of a double-meaning. He also has a vibrant aura, vibrant as the fox's fur.
Bunny (rabbit): Bunny is a “bunny” rabbit . Rabbits are timid and shy, and constantly fearful of their surroundings. They remain alert at all times, even when eating. Bunny focuses on tiny details and is timid and shy, as well as fearful, protective. Rabbits are quiet, and Bunny is nearly mute.
Kitty (cat): Kitty is our 7-year-old. Cat's are curious, playful, some affectionate, some more aloof. They accept attention by their own rules, and Kitty is very clear about what she wants and what she doesn't want or like. Which is a good thing, honestly, for this system. The usual fronters (Owl, Swan, Sparrow) have trouble discerning what we want, and if something makes us uncomfortable, we question it endlessly.
Lion: We consider Lion the final defensive force, hence why she split into Boaz and Ezra instead of handling the abuse herself. "From the lion we can learn how to be fearless if we allow ourselves to relax long enough to learn from it. " Lions live in generally harmonious prides, and work together for the best of the pride. Lion works together with other alters to keep the system protected, safe. The lion is called the "king of cats" for the male's regal mane and both sexes' mighty roar. This slight arrogance suits Lion. Lions are patient, waiting for the right time to pounce. As is Lion, patient, watchful.
Margot (doe): Margot is gentle and calm, and aware and in-tune with her surrounding environment. She focuses on balance and caring about all others. She doesn't hold grudges or let negative feelings towards others sully her peace of mind. "Only love, both for ourselves and for others, helps us understand the true meaning of wholeness. " Is a quote I feel ...
[ Continued ]
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