Our partner

My experiences
User avatar
dividedtruth89
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2055
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2011 11:33 pm
Blog: View Blog (7)
Archives
- January 2012
Longing
   Wed Jan 11, 2012 2:40 pm
Thoughts. Journaling. Because I'm too lazy to use pen and paper
   Wed Jan 04, 2012 2:45 pm

+ October 2011
+ September 2011
+ August 2011
Search Blogs

Feed
Next

Longing

Permanent Linkby dividedtruth89 on Wed Jan 11, 2012 2:40 pm

I am alone. I am sad. I am getting rejected by my family over and over and over. They say hurtful things in a kind and calm manner. They say hurtful things in a scary angry tone. They make hurtful accusations that aren't true. They speak the cold hard truth in a way that is destructive, not constructive.They don't like my therapist and say they disagree with most of the things she says. I value the relationship with my T so much; when they say mean things about her I feel like the glue holding me together is getting picked at with a chisel.

I am not alone. I have one friend I talk to often, and one friend who is out of town but who I still consider a close friend though we never see each other. But I feel like a failure when it comes to my relationship with God and my relationship with others.

I am alone. I will most likely be in my bedroom until it's time to go to work.

I am not alone. God sees my pain and everything is for a reason. We live in an imperfect world, where the imperfect dominates. Life will not be perfect until it is eternal.

I am alone. I am not alone.

The never ending cycle; the never ending conflict that is my life.

0 Comments Viewed 30534 times

Thoughts. Journaling. Because I'm too lazy to use pen and paper

Permanent Linkby dividedtruth89 on Wed Jan 04, 2012 2:45 pm

I prefer my handwritten journal, because then I do not have to print out the pages and bring them to T if I feel like reading. But, I don't feel like writing.

I am so ambivalent about life right now. My purpose is gone. I used to have purpose. I used to be a really strong Christian always giving advice and love to others whatever chance I got. I wasn't pushy about it, honest. I just wanted to help people, and from the looks of it, they were accepting. I was like a little mini-therapist to many people, though I had almost no close friends.

Fast forward, I isolate. I am still a Christian. But I don't have the same purpose as I used to. I wish I felt something like I used to, even if I could be angry at God, at least that would be something. But I see Him now as more of a light at the end of the tunnel of life. I just have to keep going through this tunnel, and eventually I'll reach the light. I'm thankful for the light, since it's shining enough to light my path and make it a bearable journey. However, at the end of the day, this tunnel is pretty uneventful.

I go to work. I go to therapy once a week. I hang out with one friend. I am trying to branch out and socialize with others, but it brings up so much anxiety and it almost never goes well. I show a side of myself with B that NO ONE ELSE has ever seen. How do I know if I can do that with the other people? If I can't, I don't want to waste my time. Because otherwise it's not much of a friendship.

With my other friend, V, she sees another side of me. A side that others still don't see, I don't think even B. So these two sides get fed emotionally by getting contact with others. But they don't come out anywhere else.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be 23. I have T tomorrow. I am looking forward to my T appointment after two weeks of none. I don't care about my birthday. Just another day. People make big deals out of birthdays, it doesn't mean anything. It's silly.

I'm so cold :( My roommates don't want to turn on the heater to save on the electric bill. I'm so tired. I know I should buy a bed because the camping cot isn't helping. But a bed seems so impractical. If you need to get up and move, it's a dificult thing to lug. I have a small bookcase and a light desk that can be taken apart, that was given to me, so if I had to part with it I wouldn't care. But if I got a bed, I wouldn't want to part with it. If I had to go away, I wouldn't want to leave it here or give it away.
Last edited by dividedtruth89 on Wed Jan 04, 2012 3:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

2 Comments Viewed 33612 times
1 out of 52 out of 53 out of 54 out of 55 out of 5

Not wanting to forgive myself, or mourning the loss?

Permanent Linkby dividedtruth89 on Fri Oct 14, 2011 1:37 pm

This is a journal entry I'm posting on here cuz I want to make sure nothing will happen to it.

Yesterday T was so hard. We did sand play again, and I cried and cried and cried. I had made a scene of an overwhelming event from when I was 10 in the sand tray. My T asked me if I could put something in the tray to represent my forgiving myself. My eyes immediately fell on the miniature mirror. So many memories were associated with this mirror. It was a little replica of the mirror Belle has in Beauty in the Beast. When I was very young, my Dad took me and my sister to "Beauty and the Beast on ICE" and bought for us a toy mirror like that one. It had pictures that lit up on it, and it talked. I was estranged from my Dad when I was 10, and for a long time I have felt like it was all my doing. Now that I am seeing him again 12 years later, I'm mourning that time lost with him. So when my eyes fell on the mirror, I wanted to put it in the tray, but I immediately started sobbing uncontrollably, the memories of spending that time with him flashing before my closed eyes as I cried. How many happy times like that one might we have had, if I hadn't said what I said and done what I did?

When my voice finally broke through the tears, I said "I don't wanna put anything in the tray." "You don't want to forgive yourself." is how my T interpreted it, and while this may be a part of it, it goes so much deeper, and I was too emotionally dis-regulated to express this. Forgiving myself means accepting that that loss is VERY REAL. Remembering the good times with my Dad makes the loss VERY REAL. While I can make new memories with my Father, there is so much loss that I feel is buried inside of me, and I know I need to address it and mourn it in order to be able to live a fuller, happier life. Otherwise, the random bouts of crying/numbness/relentless anger/guilt get triggered constantly whenever I am confronted with that loss.

I really need to explain this to her when I go back next week. Placing the mirror in the tray was...I don't know if it was the right thing to do. I feel like I made the wound deeper for that 10 year old girl in the tray. I said that it was to "show myself that I'm 10 and don't fully understand what I was giving up," but the deeper meaning is so painful. It's like I was showing the 10 year old that memory of going to that show with Daddy. Reminding her of the wonderful times she had spent with him, showing her what she was giving up. But , she gave it up anyway. Ugh. Why? Putting the mirror in the tray was pointless because that 10 year old no longer had any connection to those happy memories. And it probably just makes her feel more guilty for what she's doing. I want to take that mirror out so badly.
Last edited by dividedtruth89 on Fri Oct 14, 2011 3:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

0 Comments Viewed 32318 times

My timeline

Permanent Linkby dividedtruth89 on Mon Oct 03, 2011 9:04 pm

Timeline of my life. More of an exercise for me than a blog post. If you read it and are interested, thanks. If not, I don't hold it against you, it's pretty boring.

My timeline, for those who are interested.

Age 1 parents divorce

Age 5 mom remarried and we move across the country; stop visiting my Dad regularly, start visiting him rarely

1st grade-move to again, different school

2nd grade and 3rd grade-homeschooled

4th grade – move again. My sister and I accuse our Dad of sexual abuse. So little evidence that the court appoints psychologists to our case to determine if my mom is manipulating us. No decision can be made. My mom moves us illegally across the country(again). Lots of noncompliance with court system, I don’t see my Dad again except for 2x when he hires a private investigator to find us. Complete estrangement from him and that entire side of the family.

5th grade-new school in new state. 4th grade incident becomes deep dark family secret

6th and 7th grade-homeschooled

8th grade-major bullying, low self esteem, beginnings of an eating disorder, I start self harm(other than the constant picking at cuts I’ve done for as long as I can remember

9th grade-homeless

10th grade-move across the country, homeless a while then too, mom and stepdad divorce

11th grade and 12 grade fairly normal

Freshmen year of college-see my dad at my sister’s wedding. She had confirmed the beliefs that she thought the whole incident was just manipulation from mom. She then backfired after an argument with my dad and his wife

Sophomore year of college, I move across the country by myself this time, to transfer to different school

Junior year-I start talking to my dad again. Then I stop

Senior year-I start talking to my dad again. 2 visits. After 2nd visit, I start therapy cuz I’ve started more self harm. Starting to realize the manipulation from 4th grade.

Now---still in therapy. Have had episodes of seizures, psychotic symptoms, dissociation. Medical withdrawal from school. Good stable job though. Hopeful for the future. Family relationships, aside from my Dad and stepmom(who I'm getting to know again), are dwindling and rocky.

Evidently there was homelessness a lot before I was 5, though I don’t remember. No memories before 5 at all, to my family’s astonishment. Not so sure this isn’t normal though.

0 Comments Viewed 31570 times

Life without the hallucinations?Why I don't want them to go away

Permanent Linkby dividedtruth89 on Sat Sep 03, 2011 10:21 am

First let me clarify that I have a strange uncanny ability to remember parts or all of a therapy appointment verbatim, like watching a movie. I have even scripted it when I get home to see how much I remember. I think this is because my brain is on such high alert when I'm in there...offices are scary!

At my first session with my new T, she said "There is something to be said for knowing reality from fiction. There is a possibility of living a much healthier, happier life if you were to at least explore medication." This she said in response to my wholehearted aversions to the idea of getting any kind of medication. I want to do this myself, and with God's help. I will only take medication if the hallucinations become something that is debilitating.

Fast forward to a week and a half later, at my second session with this same therapist. "What would life be like without the hallucinations?"
"Um...happier, I guess."

No! I thought and believed that then, in her office, but as we all know, I change once I leave. My life would NOT be happier without the hallucinations, and I will explain why.

All the hallucinations, the ones that seem to be "psychotic" and the "non-psychotic", they all seem to hold some kind of significance. They run on a pattern, and I enjoy trying to decipher them. They seem to be linked to my subconscious in some way, just like dreams.

An example. I am laying in bed, and plain as day and just like they were in the same room with me, I began to hear voices and sounds. Birds chirping. Violin music. I hear Eminem say "You're so stupid!" A lady mumbles something in response. Once Eminem spoke, I was frightened! But the hallucination spell was very brief, and ended quickly. I believe though, that these hallucinations were sparked by my own subconscious beliefs/thoughts/and feelings. Do I deep down harbor a belief that I truly am a stupid person? Maybe. That being said, I don't want these hallucinations to go away. If I ever hear Eminem again, I want to ask him why he thinks this. I'm curious to hear his answer. I have a feeling I will learn more about myself and my subconscious world by listening to what he has to "say."

And the non-psychotic hallucinations? They are enjoyable. They always seem to be reminders of memories...very often happy memories. I heard a little girl's voice. I said in my head "who are you?" And heard a whistle in my head. Immediately a picture popped into my head. A picture of a little toucan whistle I got at a family reunion with my Dad, before my world turned upside down. There is no actual memory tied to it, but...I know the emotion tied to it. Happiness. Joy. Peace about being with the one parent who truly did, and does, validate my emotions, and loves me no matter what.

His door was always open. He stood at my door and knocked. I shut it in his face. I was 14.

Just as Christ forgives us when we shut the door in his face, my Dad forgave me.

God help me to realize my Dad's forgiveness, and help me to move past the guilt and on towards healing in therapy. And thank You for the hallucinations. If they get too scary, I will consider medication, but right now they seem to be helping me, so...thank You. :)

0 Comments Viewed 32568 times

Who is online

Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Julifee, Julihvh, Julipga, Julippn, Julirra, Juliulz, Majestic-12 [Bot], Snaga, xiximmxi