Psychology and Mental Health Forum


http://www.psychforums.com/blog/depressionbeard/index_sid-a284ac249b776cd4a872b40ff1943332.html

Author:  depressionbeard [ Mon Dec 17, 2012 1:58 pm ]
Blog Subject:  Supertoys

Everything so faraway
No control and nothing stays
Scrape your inside out and keep a quiet empty mind
So much you're not cut out for
A world that drowns your on the shore
Scatter words and cut up code
You read beneath the lines

Arms won't raise eyes won't move
A flash of light to comfort you
Sounds off now So get up now
And go where you can think

It's alright Your O.K
Just let it be Broken
It's alright Your O.K
It's in your Future
Broken

Now your living the wrong life
Someone else fell on your knife
Boiling stretch flat-a-line days
follows on a crutch

It's alright Your O.K
Just let it be Broken
It's alright Your O.K
It's in your Future
Broken
It's alright Your O.K
Just let it be Broken

"Supertoys" By "Autolux" from the album, "Transit, Transit".

Author:  depressionbeard [ Mon Dec 12, 2011 4:31 pm ]
Blog Subject:  Are We Nearly There Yet?

God, this is going on for a long time. I have never ever, ever felt this bad for this length of time. I am "monotonously up and down, like the head of an elephant in a state of melancholy madness".

Maybe I’m just weaker these days. The necessity to go on isn't as important to me as it once was. I don't mean that as in I’m going to do myself an injury. Just that its all sh1t. So sh1t. Why can't I just wallow all day on the sofa alone? Its the only thing that makes me feel good in a bad sort of way.

I can see myself being happy with nothing. My happy place is a little wooden house in the middle of a gigantic forest in Finland, hundreds of miles from any human being with all their expectations.
I would catch fish (not that I have ever done that before), pick berries and mushrooms amongst the flora and fauna. I could read all day, whittle implements from wood, meditate, talk to the trees, maybe write that novel I’ve always wanted to write, learn to play the guitar properly, grow my beard.

After a while Id have my own vegetable patch. I could make booze from potatoes. Eat carrots and get drunk.

What is wrong with that? Its my life after all. It has never felt right to me that in order to "live" we have to work to make money to consume. We go around and around and around in circles to pay for surviving when we could all survive quite happily without the talismans of everyday life. At least I know I could. Society has us convinced that such an extreme action is is just that: Extreme. A sign that there is something wrong because I don't want a fricken mortgage. I don't need a car. I don't need to follow the latest trends.

To reject society is to reject the acceptable realms of sanity. People would be concerned for my well being. In doing so they are trapping me in their world...In what they consider acceptable behaviour. Why though? Why are they right and I’m wrong?

I firmly believe a lot of my so called, "issues" are due to this blind adherence to societal norms. I have never agreed with their perspective, but I pretend I do. I carry around a variety of masks to change into depending on with whom I’m speaking with.

Want to know something? The truth is, I spurn you as I would spurn a rabid dog. (Not you personally. You’re ok. Im just talking about those other turds...You know the ones).

So, in closing, I would like to invite you to join me in my grand plan of escape. Of course you will need to get your own place, preferably at least 10 miles away from my place. We can see each other on weekends and get drunk on my potato booze if you can supply the fish. That can be our group therapy.

So, are you in or out?

Author:  depressionbeard [ Tue Nov 15, 2011 9:41 pm ]
Blog Subject:  I Never Thought It Would Feel Like This

So this is what it feels like. I always thought it would be more dramatic than this. I suppose its not really a shock though. I always felt like a weirdo. Usually nice and polite, fun to be with when Im in the mood, talkative, open, but its all a lie. Its all been an act. Ive only told people what they wanted to hear. Ive perfected nodding in all the right places. I know how to make people believe I get it, I understand, no problem. Now smile, say Im having a good time, Im happy to be here. Thank-you.

The time I have to spend at work or doing something I hate has its rewards though. Mind altering rewards in the form of little tablets bought off some dodgy internet pharmacy, booze (been on frozen margarittas for weeks) and strong Dutch weed with apt names such as "amnesia".

I used to be happy with my sense of alienation. I wasn't like all the boring people I had to put up with at work. I don't have kids, a mortgage, or go to garden centres on the weekend. I hadn't given up any or taken the ticket to wait in line to die. My number wouldn't come up like that. I was destined for greater things. I wouldn't have to do anything about it. It would be recognised eventually. Maybe when the time was right I would have the motivation to complete something. Something good and worthy that would define me. People would think of me as "that cool guy who does"...

Now Im that guy who went nuts. Who over did it. Who never had it. They always thought I was wrong in the head.

Words like bipolar, borderline personality disorder, adhd, susbtance abuse flood my thoughts.

You're fcuked. A Psycho. You've lost it. Everyone will look at you diferent now.

At the same time, I still feel exactly the same as I always do.

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