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crazy_butterfly
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Spiraling down into dispair.... *trigger*
   Tue Jul 17, 2012 11:24 am

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Spiraling down into dispair.... *trigger*

Permanent Linkby crazy_butterfly on Tue Jul 17, 2012 11:24 am

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I am spiraling down into dispair just like was before my suicide attempt. And that scares me. When to took the overdose I wasn't thinking about killing myself, I wasn't thinking at all. I was in a good mood that day. I found out later that I was in a very happy mood which is uncommon for me. When I tried to kill myself I wasn't there in the head. It was like I was watching myself do it. I had no control over what I was doing, I couldn't stop myself. No one understands that. So, I don't have any warning about when I am going to attempt suicide. It can happen at anytime. I just know that I had kept a self injury log the week and a half prior and looking back at it I can tell that I was spiraling into dispair. I was in a dark place and should have realized that I needed help. But I was too far gone to realize that.

I feel the same way now. I don't know if I should tell my therapist that today when I see her. I don't want to go back to inpatient, it will just make things worse. I don't know what to do. I just want these feelings too stop. I am scared to check my bank account, I am scared to pay the bills. I bounced checks last week and I have never done that before. I just don't know. Maybe I should just find a way that will absolutely kill me. I don't really want that, but sometimes I wonder if it is for the best. I don't know what to do to stop spiraling down into the black hole. I just wish that someone could help me. But I don't even know if that is possible.

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I want to die *TRIGGER*

Permanent Linkby crazy_butterfly on Tue May 29, 2012 4:06 pm

I am tired of living this pathetic life. I am tired of being a failure at being an adult. I am tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. I can't stand not being able to talk about my worries with my husband. I hate having this constant weight on my shoulders that makes me feel like I am drowning. I just want it to end.

I was looking up ways to kill myself today. I want to do it, but I am too chicken sh*t to do it. Plus I don't think I really want to do it. At this moment it seems like the only option. I want a painless quick way to do it and I am not sure if I could even do it. I almost feel like I just want to attempt it, just so people see bad I really feel. I don't want the attention, I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I know the only reason I feel this way is because I am in a dark place right now. All my negative thoughts are beating me up. Telling me that I am not worthy of living. The sane part of me is the only thing that keeps me going and I am hanging on by a thread.

I felt this way the other day and I text messaged a friend I met on here until the thoughts went away, but I don't want to be a burden and keep bothering her. She has her own life. I can't tell any of my real friends my thoughts. They would think I am crazy. No one knows that I feel suicidal every once and awhile other than my therapist. And of course she isn't in today. She told me to call up there if it was a friday (her day off) and have them call her. But I think that is only so she can squeeze me in somewhere not talk to me on the phone. And I have an appointment with her tomorrow. But most likely these thoughts will be far out of my mind by then and I will tell her I am doing good, just like I always do. I don't know what to do anymore. I am tired of this. I want it to end.

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Sometimes life sucks

Permanent Linkby crazy_butterfly on Thu Feb 16, 2012 10:20 pm

So I am a little bit upset that my psychiatrist never called me back dispite me leaving a message wondering if she is still my doctor. I find that to be rude. C'mon she was the one to call and bitch me out. So I sent the letter I wrote to her yesteday. She should have gotten it today. Tomorrow at the latest. I am hoping she responds in some kind of way or I guess I will have to wait til they call to remind me of my appointment to know if she is still my doctor. Whatever. There is nothing more that I can do about it. It's up to her now.

On Valentines day my doctors office called to tell me that I had to come in for the lab results from my annual because they came back abnormal and that I need to be scheduled for a biopsy. My mind automatically assumes that I have Cancer. So of course me being me that night and the next day at work I was freaking out. I couldn't eat and my stomach was in knots. I go in and have to listen to a bunch of medical lingo that I don't understand. But I guess I have a cell anormality and I have a strand of dna that makes me high risk for cervical cancer. She kept reassuring me that I don't have cancer. Great. I am doomed to die of cancer. I already figured that much since that is what everyone in my family dies of. So now I have to get a biopsy. That is the part I don't get. If i don't have cancer then why do I need a biopsy or the other way of round. I don't want anyone to see the scars on my legs, so I am hoping I can wear knee high socks during the procedure.

Well dinners ready, so I will have to continue this later.

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Wait, What?

Permanent Linkby crazy_butterfly on Mon Feb 13, 2012 10:52 pm

I really don't get my psychiatrist. I don't get her thought process. She called me today, which surprised the hell out of me since she didn't bother to call me when my therapist told her how bad i was doing and that my cutting was out of control. I thought she was being a good doctor and checking up on me, making sure that I was okay. But of course not, that couldn't be the reason. She called to tell me that she heard from my therapist that I got a script for xanax from my GP. And that she was mad that I went behind her back and got a medication that she didn't want me on. At this point my mind started racing and I didn't really get majority of what she was saying. She said something about just seeing my regular doctor for meds or a different psychiatrist. I don't know if she was trying to tell me that she didn't want to see me anymore or what. My mind tends to warp what people say into something different. I started to cry and panicked and hung up the phone on her. I regretted it the moment I did it. I waited 15 minutes and called up there to leave a message for her. And of course you have to leave your message with the medical assistant and so I left a voicemail asking if I needed to find a ne doctor. No response, which maked me feel like I am not worthy of two minutes out of their time. I ended up writing her a letter explaining my reasoning. I am going to send it tomorrow. I am hoping that she will call me back tomorrow. My fingers are crossed. I highy doubt they will since no one gives a f** about me. I just don't know if she is still my doctor, I really want her to be my doctor. I like her even though she threatens to take my meds away. She doesnt ever go through with them. Ughhh...

I guess I wait and see what happens.

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I hate to say it, but it triggered me

Permanent Linkby crazy_butterfly on Wed Feb 01, 2012 5:02 pm

Today I was at work and I was surviving on diet coke and coffee when I overheard one of my co-workers ask another co-worker about her daughter. She use to work with us and she use to be my best friend. He had asked her if Leigha has figured out why she keeps losing weight. She said that she had been tested, but they found nothing medically wrong with her. And she also went to mention that she is a little under 100lbs and that her legs are stick thin. That really triggered me. I starve myself pretty much all day and end up losing nothing. I don't get it. I want to be that thin. Another person that triggers me is my therapist. She is so skinny and her legs are amazing. Not that I am purposely looking, but I tend to look down towards the floor while I walk. I hate my THUNDER thighs. I hate my double chin. I hate my pooch. Ughh.... Here we go again....

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