Seeing things out of the corner of my eyes again, I think it is because it is almost 3am. I have stayed up later than normal for several days in a row. The mild sleep deprivation may be causing very mild pre-psychosis. I'd investigate further, but seeing as it is almost 3am it would probably just be wiser to go to bed.

I am going home for thanksgiving in two days. My mother also wants me to call her today. She was very clear that I need to not forget to day. I already know it is going to be an unpleasant conversation. I am not looking forward to spending time with her. I am planning on spending most of my break doing homework, which is impressive because I rarely get my homework done. I am even willing to do homework that I have already gotten a zero on for lateness. This should highlight how little I am looking forward to talking to my mother. I am never more anxious and miserable than when I am around her. In fact, I am rarely either. I almost never experience either when she is not in the equation. I am not yet in a position to support myself, but my friend and his parents have extended an offer to let me stay with them. I am seriously considering taking them up on their offer. Of course, I will have to pay them rent (they never asked for it, I just think it is right). But it would still be a more preferable option than dealing with my mom.

I blame my mother for my failure to do well in school. I have always had problems in school. I know for a fact that she was alerted to my problems as early as third grade. Maybe earlier. And she always saw my grades. Yet she took no action to reverse this. She would only occasionally ground me when I got worse than normal grades, she never encouraged studying, homework or anything. She was a single mother, so I do not think it is fair to demand her to be a perfect parent, but this level of incompetence is beyond an acceptable level.

I also resent her for her monetary demands. She always gave my sister anything she wanted when she made a six figure salary, yet she couldn't even spare enough to buy me a mattress that wasn't already almost 20 years old. My step-brother gets $10,000 a year towards his school, with the only string attached being that he had to continue getting good grades. I get very little financial support, and most of it is in the form of borrowing. I understand that money is tight, but I think that my step brother could afford $10,000 in college debt, to relieve some of the financial burden so that I was not paying my mother most of my paychecks. I am already paying for a significant amount of college myself. I *should* be paying for it all, technically. I paid for part of the first 2 years of college with parent loans, not realizing that they have to sole obligation of paying that back. I realized my mistake, and tried to tell my parents that I needed to get some private loans to keep going to school. My mother would hear nothing of it, and after a very very stressful month, she finally agreed to take $6000 out of her retirement account to let me go back for a year. Of course, this only occurred literally at *the last possible #$%(ing second* And of course, it was only borrowed. So I have to pay her back for that and my car still. I have paid off 2/3 of it, but that still leaves $2000. and half of my car so I owe my mom $4000. I am only a 21 year old college student. Anyhow, the loan from my mom was a one time band-aid and there is no possible way I am going through all that drama again. So I will continue to pay for my college partially with parent loans. I don't feel guilty about this. I never even wanted to attend college. My mother manipulated me by manipulating my brother into convincing me to go to college, while simultaniously discouraging all other options. I was uncertain of what I wanted to do, so this was effective eventually, after much resistance. Now she has denied me all other options but to use parent loans. I am not able to get any other forms of financial aid. There was even a loophole in the financial aid law that could have gotten me a $4000 grant, no strings, all we had to do was apply for a loan that we knew we would be rejected for, and we would get a free $4000 from the state. She wouldn't budge over the possibility it could ding her credit score 3 points, with...

[ Continued ]

My mom wanted me to call her, because I have not spoken to her since I came back to college (about a month and a half ago). Anyhow, she texted me on sunday that she wanted me to call her. I told her that I was going to be busy all sunday and monday, and I'd call her on tuesday(today). So I called her at like 7:30-8, and she didn't answer. This was the highlight of my day. I then called her again at 10:30, after I knew she was in bed. She sounded tired so I suggested that I could call her another time, to which she asked me to call her tomorrow. I agreed, but only because by suggesting it, she made it the least bad option. So, at the very least, I bought myself another day of not dealing with her...

I haven't called my dad in almost 2 years I think, except to have him do my taxes for me (ironically, I never got my money out of his account, because I didn't visit him), and for when I needed his perspective on what to do when I thought I had appendicitis (I did), because I thought he had his appendix out at some point, but I was wrong. We will see how long I can put this off for.

Last year, I started out the school year with my social mask on, and more on than I had ever attempted before. My burning out started out maybe 1/2 or 2/3 of the way through the first semester. By the beginning of the second semester, my burnout was near total and I became much more overt than covert (but still not completely overt). This caused some of my friends to think that I have depression, though only one of them actually told me that he suspected that and only in a sarcastic tone, but I could tell he was telling the truth.

My big dilemma now is to decide the extent to which I wear my mask. I would rather under-do my mask than over-do it because of stress and burnout, but I don't know how much effort I should put in to achieve the optimal socializing/isolating ratio. I also feel like there are a few people at school that I genuinely care about (albeit only to an extent). If I over-do my mask, I may give people I don't really want to talk to the impression that we are friends, which I would like to avoid. If I under-do my mask, I may cause alienation and over-distancing with those few people whose company I do sometimes enjoy.

I would like to keep those people who I like as friends, but they sometimes (often) hang out with people whose company I enjoy much less. It is complicated. It is funny, our social group is as large as it is because of me (and my roommate too). I wish I had better contained it. Maybe I will luck out, and a good number of the new people will be people I can grow to like, or (even better) they will be people who my current group of friends do not wish to socialize with.

The question of how heavy of a mask I will wear, and *how* I use it, will be a rather big issue for me over the next few months, and could bite me in the ass if I do it wrong. Fingers crossed, and may I have a stress-free semester.

Saw a psychiatrist today. Uncomfortable as expected. I was half an hour late because my GPS was acting up. Seemed like a nice, straight forward, knowledgable guy. Discussed things ranging from my lack of motivation, my family situation, school. Asked me if I thought I was depressed. I said no. He said to think about it and consider it, and that there is no guarantee that he is right. I said Ok. He asked me to keep track of things I look forward to in a day. The list is gonna be a short one, but I have no problem doing that. Overall, more positive than expected, still not an enjoyable experience but it isn't like getting a tooth pulled. Anyways, he suggested I might have a mild but chronic form of depression based on his first impression of me (a condition known as dysthymia, though he never said the term). I respectfully disagree, but as he said, 'I can't read minds, and I wont pretend to, I am only human after all'. Seems very , so I believe he will figure me out (sort of) before I go back to school. Next appointment is one week from today. Will update.