This isn't my damn life. I'm not good at $#%^ I can't be host. Whatever this is stupid. I hate Josh. I hope he dies. It's so quiet in here. I don't like it. I'm used to at lest one other person chatting or bugging me and yeah it was annoying but now the silence is driving me crazy.
-Love kills Lyle

Dear friends and family,
I'm sorry I left everyone. I was shot. I didn't even realize it until the blood spilled on my hands. I dropped to the ground and tried to crawl to my sister. Dear sweet sunshine, I'm sorry you had to watch me die. I had to save you. So don't be sad, where ever you are. I'm sorry I'm not there to protect you anymore. I wish I could say I am up in heaven right now watching over you, but for whatever reason, heaven didnt want me. So I was left floating above my body. Watching my sunshine cry as I bled to death on the floor of our livingroom. I walked around trying to "wake" my self. I stayed until the paramedics came. They tried to save me, but my heart had stopped before they arrived. The next thing that happen is fussy. I think I fell asleep. Everything became dark then I started to feel pain. I found my eyes opening to see a little girl hiding from kids on the playground. They were going to hurt her. I ran to stop them suddenly I was controlling the little girl from over 20 feet away. I helped her run fast until she was home. Then I realized I wasn't floating above the situation now I was viewing it threw the little girls eyes. I could feel her wanting someone to protect her. I was so confused. I decided to figure out how I came to be along side this little girl's mind so I sat down next to her a listened to her cry. I didn't move on. Now all I have is this new life. Where I am just a part of a bigger puzzle. But I will protect this girl she will have to be my new sunshine. Since I was torn away from my real sunshine. I would give anything to have my life back again. Maybe some day I will pass on. But until then I sit in my new reality, waiting. How many lives do I have to live before I can rest?

Forever lost,
Jason "Jay Diddy"

John started his new medication. Fanapt, 6mgs.. he says it makes him feel funny. (Dizziness, feeling off balance, and at first I think he was panicing cause his anxiety was high.)
Idk if its helping or not..
We went to the fireworks last night. There was lotsa people there and there were bleachers this year. They lasted about 25 minutes and they were awesome. I know some of my parts were interested in seeing so I projected a mental movie of it on the wall in the group room inside. I believe lil Rose watched with Marie and Jay was watching too. Rori talked Roxley into going even though he prefers to stay hidden away. Lyle stayed in his room. Sabastien came out to watch. But Lillyane stayed away. I'm not sure why.
I like the fireworks that are shaped like weeping willow trees. They remind me of the tree in my grandpa's yard. I remember the glass elephants on his shelf. He would give me one everytime I was there. So tiny it would fit in my hand. I don't remember anything else. And it does seem like my memory either really. Because when I remember it I see this little girl run up to the shelf to see the little glass elephants that sparkle. Then a man walks up and picks one and sets it in her hand. Then nothing..

I don't believe my heart right now. It's letting me continue to love my abuser. In a way he is a different man. A lesser form of the father I grew up with. A stroke took his ability to use his right side. He is bound to a wheel chair. Never to walk again. He is old now. In his 60s. Barely able to recall my name, I doubt he has any idea of what he did to me. But I stay here with him. I take care of him. I cook his food, I do his laundry..but I'm now just a shallow facade in front of him, with a happy cheerful face, and a wall built in front of me to protect the little girl inside who's known as lillyane, who ran away from home so long ago after no one would listen to her.

Sometimes I feel I cannot handle things. I've been having flash backs, but the funny thing is I cannot remember them after I have them. I remember something seemingly horrible, then I suddenly feel like I'm being watched. Then I suddenly get a rush of bad feeling associated with the memories I just saw. But then they get too overwhelming and I go black. Like someone just click file delete. I am left feeling as if I have forgotten something important with only minor memories of having this flash back. Like when you watch a movie but cannot remember what it was about exactly. But you know you have watched it. I believe an unknown alter is taking them away from me afterwards probably because they feel I am not ready to remember it yet. But whatever the case..it scares me to death.