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caughtinafray's ventilation chamber
For lack of other potential purposes, I use this blog to vent my emotions. Basically.

My ongoing struggle between the real me, and the version perceived from other perspectives.
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caughtinafray
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Archives
- January 2017
Give me my own world to live on,
   Sun Jan 15, 2017 7:51 pm
Sorrow.....
   Sun Jan 08, 2017 6:39 pm
Can't do this
   Thu Jan 05, 2017 12:13 am
down lately.....
   Tue Jan 03, 2017 11:36 pm
A New Number
   Sun Jan 01, 2017 11:36 pm

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Sorrow.....

Permanent Linkby caughtinafray on Sun Jan 08, 2017 6:39 pm

I had another "moment" just now. I thought about how bitter and insensitive I was in the past. Especially toward my mother, I thought about how I was so closed off and uncaring when she was trying everything to help me, and I was overtaken by emotion. I held back the tears that wanted to come through, but if I wanted to I probably could have easily let it all out right then and there. Even as I type this, I'm still doing it a little.

I feel so guilty about the way I've been wishing she'd just forget about me, wishing I'd never have to be in any contact with her again.

It was horrible of me.

Other than that, I've still been feeling pretty worthless, and that I've never made a positive difference to anyone. Other users have spoken of how they lost a loved one, grew up with careless parents, been treated with blatant disrespect; all the atrocities, and it's made me think........... "Who am I to complain?"

DX: Asperger Syndrome, ADHD, Bipolar 1 (Actually 2?), suspecting BPD + reminiscent Selective Mutism traits

UTC -5:00 North America | INTerPreter. | Empathy Quotient: 14/80
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Re: Sorrow.....

Permanent Linkby caughtinafray on Sun Jan 08, 2017 6:42 pm

And the way I was considering suicide with little to no regard for how it would impact others. What the ###$ is wrong with me.
DX: Asperger Syndrome, ADHD, Bipolar 1 (Actually 2?), suspecting BPD + reminiscent Selective Mutism traits

UTC -5:00 North America | INTerPreter. | Empathy Quotient: 14/80
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caughtinafray
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Re: Sorrow.....

Permanent Linkby Snaga on Sun Jan 08, 2017 11:29 pm

Nothing that ain't wrong with many of us.

Who are any of us, to complain, sweetie? We can always find someone that's worse off, from our perspective. Does that invalidate the burden we ourselves carry? No.

Three things have kept me from rashly taking my own life, the finality of it, the fear of it, and that I won't do that to the few people that might be affected. But I think it's easy to think about it, until that reminder kicks in. You HAVE given it regard, sweets- you're writing about it, now....
ISFP. Too much weird $#%^ to list.
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Re: Sorrow.....

Permanent Linkby caughtinafray on Mon Jan 09, 2017 1:31 am

If nothing else, I suppose I could be grateful that I'm feeling what I was numb to before.

Thanks for the words of wisdom, in all sincerity, I needed them :)
DX: Asperger Syndrome, ADHD, Bipolar 1 (Actually 2?), suspecting BPD + reminiscent Selective Mutism traits

UTC -5:00 North America | INTerPreter. | Empathy Quotient: 14/80
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caughtinafray
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Re: Sorrow.....

Permanent Linkby RoseValentine on Tue Jan 10, 2017 6:01 pm

I just read this post and I know how you feel. Even though I'm still a bit young, when I was a child I used to be mean, even with my parents. Now, when I talk with them, they say that I'm a lovely girl and it's like they don't remember how I was. It's strange, but as long as they're happy, it doesn't matter. People forgive because they know we are all humans and we all make mistakes, especially when we're young. Maybe your mother doesn't even remember the things that you did, so try not to think about them. That's the past, now think about the better person you've become.
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