Right now, it's absurdly warm for this time of the year, so a window's open and a couple of fans are on. It's as dark as it gets and there's a fresh breeze outside, it also rained lightly off and on earlier but its quiet right now. Out there, and in the house to. I love it. I really do. The fresh air.......it has this pureness that nothing else can match.
But, it doesn't change the fact that I'm still a ###$ up and can't see myself ever being accepted in this world. I didn't go to my mom's for Christmas. I just wasn't in the mood at all and was dying for any amount of time I could get to be in my own company, and nobody else's. Aside from these 2 cats we live with, but they're fine. They sent me the gifts I was given. A new pair of shoes, a pair of slippers, another jacket, some socks, 2 T-shirts that are really big but good for sleeping in, and I think there were a couple of other things I'm forgetting. Also, I forgot to mention before, they gave me 45 dollars when I went out to my uncle's. I'm fine with this stuff. In fact, I wish they wouldn't have spent so much on me. I didn't buy anything for anyone and I know I haven't given enough, in an emotional sense, to them for me to deserve it. I'm not belittling myself, I'm just accepting what I'm clearly not worthy of.
This is the kind of peaceful moment I'd like to "go out" in. Every day I want to make it less boring, but can't find any way. I want to message K all the time, but I can't. I want things to change, but there times, all the time, when I can't be so bothered as to even get simple tasks done. I feel so ######6 horrible that if I even start on one, I get so damn sick of it in 5 minutes I just quit.