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caughtinafray
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   Tue May 29, 2018 1:02 am

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Permanent Linkby caughtinafray on Tue May 29, 2018 1:02 am

It's already almost June and we're getting ready to take a trip down south to my brother's graduation ceremony. We're leaving very early in the morning on Wednesday. There's no way I'm gonna get sufficient sleep. I can't remember the last time I was able to fall asleep earlier than midnight, it hardly makes a difference whether I go to bed at 8 PM or 1 AM, I don't get sleep until very late. And my dad says we should leave at 5 AM.

The weather is not preferable. There's a tropical storm down there that's not expected to phase out until it reaches Canada and 3 states are in a state of emergency because of it. The ceremony (I believe) is on Thursday though, so it should blow over by then.

I'm still thinking about the future all the time and it's nothing but scary. And dwelling on the past. It's hard to live in the present when the present is so empty. That must be the result of more than a decade worth of conditioning from an inability to want any interaction with people I'm not accustomed to. And what did I get for being a child with very low stress tolerance who fell over the limit all the time? Angry responses by the boat loads. Mostly from my parents and a lot of school faculty. They just saw me as a heinous problem child who needed to be yelled into submission. That kind of conditioning is an element of autism that nobody talks about, and its something I've only recently learned about that's got me hooked. Although, being "hooked" in this case is nothing more than thinking about it. I know of no way to utilize the understanding of what shaped me into this. As a kid I was absolutely confounded as to why my life was crumbling when I stopped fitting in and had problems with things as frivolous as saying my own name. Saying my own name is still problematic for me and that's still an unsolved mystery to me. I do have a better understanding of what happened to me, but that knowledge does me no good. It's like knowing what's wrong with a machine but having no clue how to fix it.

Everything that's not scary is still boring. I'm kind of looking forward to the excursion that will help make me feel that I exist, but the anticipation is also making me restless and I know I'm going right back to having nothing to look forward to a few days from now.

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Permanent Linkby caughtinafray on Tue Mar 06, 2018 7:18 pm

So, he's gone. Now I get to be alone for several hours every week day just as I've been waiting for. Is it as great as I expected? Eh... maybe not quite, I wasn't really expecting much. At least I get to turn the tunes up really loud, it sounds more powerful that way. But I'm still listening through headphones, I don't crank it up on speakers so loud that the neighbors hear it or anything like that.

It was the day before yesterday. At first I wasn't gonna go, but I changed my mind. This place was in a city about a half hour drive away, it was some kind of office, I'm not really certain. There was one for the navy, the corps and the army side by side. There were a number of us: me, my dad, my mom, my brother, two of his drill sergeants, another recruit who showed up fairly late and some guy who, apparently, was a recruiter; my dad and I both thought he was another recruit because he didn't look much if any older than 20. The sergeants did most of the talking while we were there, mostly explaining things like what to expect in training, writing letters and everything of that nature.

I didn't think I'd find it emotional, it's not that I'm insensitive, I just don't love my family. But it really cut me open when they were about ready to go and one of the sergeants talked about how some of the recruits he sees are just uncaring and have no respect for their parents when their about to ship out. I don't know what to call the feeling, but it was something painful. It made me reflect on how I've been emotionally distant ever since I was about 10 and how I got into all those furious moments with my mom as a teenager, and it really cut into me. But it wore off after 2 hours or so and I just feel back to my old self.

He didn't really leave that day, but they took him to a hotel to attend some kind of ceremony for the transition from poolee to recruit in a big city 70 miles away. My dad asked me if I wanted to go to that, but it was being held at 8:30 AM and he said we'd have to leave at 6 to get there in time. For him, leaving that early and driving 70 miles out for his job is pretty typical. But I wasn't down for it.

Somehow I not only woke up earlier than 6, but I got up only about 15 minutes after he left. I probably did have the energy to attend the ceremony, but I just didn't want to. After that he boarded a bus with a bunch of other recruits which took them to the airport to fly down to Savannah, Georgia. The boot camp is at a place called Paris Island, I suppose the plane couldn't take them directly to a military base because it was a commercial airline. If he makes it, he won't be back until June.

Now, it's that pivotal time. I'm getting ready for it.

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Permanent Linkby caughtinafray on Wed Feb 21, 2018 8:09 pm

I followed through with deleting my FB account, fighting a few strong urges to cancel. I feel neither proud or ashamed, I just feel nothing about it other than some occasional sentimental recollections which don't get to me much.

In 11 days my brother will be in South Carolina for what I believe will be the duration of Spring. I think it's 13 weeks but I'm not certain.

I have a cousin who was recently released from jail for the second time in his life. He's basically been on the inside for as long as I can remember. A long time ago (Probably 2003 or 2004) he was incarcerated as a teenager for bringing a gun to school, not because he was like one of those lowlifes who commit mass shootings but because he was bullied and that was his method of revenge. My dad told me about it a long time ago and as is so often the case I don't recall every detail, but I believe he didn't shoot, he just held someone up. He was released a few years later and went back in 2010 because he loaned money to some guy who didn't pay him back. I know about that from a court document I found online. Like the first incident, he was armed but didn't shoot. The last time I saw him and the only time in my relatively fresh memory was at my grandfather's funeral in that year. He completed an 8-year sentence and my dad says he wants to have dinner with him some place. I don't know what to think of it, he was locked up for so long I don't know what to expect, but throughout the years they all said he was relatively optimistic for being in such an awful scenario and opted to get out early by parole, although that didn't happen.

I've juggled many ideas about what I want to do with my life, but at this time I have one I believe I can settle on. I've had a lot of uncertainty about whether I'd prefer a desk job or something more physical, with my conflicting opinions being that desk jobs are too sedentary and that physical jobs would most likely be involved in noisy environments that I wouldn't like. But I'm beginning to get sick of this writing, so I'm done.

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Permanent Linkby caughtinafray on Tue Jan 16, 2018 5:31 pm

I'm cutting ties with her by deleting my useless Facebook profile, for real this time. This is probably about the tenth time I've requested a deletion, but in previous attempts I got so terribly sentimental that I canceled it every time. But now I'm taking charge and doing it for real. I have to do it because she causes me nothing but pain anymore, not that it's intentional, but because it's inevitable. It's that damned 14 day cancellation warranty that makes it challenging, but as of right now I'm still going strong.

We used to say we loved each other. And I really felt it. Then one day, *POOF,* and in a cloud of dust, it was over, I'd been replaced. One of her statements in that same paragraph was "I'm always gonna be here for you no matter what (smiley face)," and let me tell you something, I did not feel the slightest shred of the compassion in that, even as well as I know she meant it.

You know what, I'm talking about her way too much.

Last year I claimed that I'd finally start stepping forward. And didn't. But I'm ever so gradually winning over the frequent attacks from despair. It's a crawling pace, but it's a pace. Soon I'll initiate that conversation I've been dreading for years. Why do I dread the light at the end of the tunnel? Well, it's gonna happen one way or another.

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Permanent Linkby caughtinafray on Sat Jan 13, 2018 2:14 am

I didn't straighten things out with J. I thought I did several weeks ago. It still feels empty because, emotionally, I just don't get anything out of "I know that feeling," or "it's difficult, isn't it?" For months its been a repetitive process of trying to incite some kind of conversation with her and going silent for days because it doesn't feel real anymore. And I know that this fact is likely to tarnish any chance of me creating new friendship in the future.

There's a pivotal moment and formidable challenge I've been putting off for years. Yet it's been at the front of my mind the whole time, to. I just have to rehearse it. It's not related to J, it's something else.

Hmm.... this wouldn't be complete without an obligatory summary of my mentality in recent days. Today sucks, yesterday sucks, and every day sucks; I'm drowning in anxiety and I can hardly stand to even think about pulling myself out of it for.... no, ###$ that.

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