Why am I feeling so upset? This is unusual for me.
Oh, who am I kidding. Why wouldn't I be upset? On top of all the things I've talked about before, I'm thinking this family would be better off without me. They don't have any authentic reason to grieve; I know they would anyway, to an extent, but what I'm saying is that I've done nothing to be missed for. All I've been is this insensitive recluse who wants no involvement with them.
On a few occasions very recently, I've actually started to get a little teary-eyed. I didn't cry, I've lost the ability to do that, but I became overwhelmed by emotion for a moment, a few times. But strangely, I'm not feeling suicidal in this state. I've thought about how depressing it is to know that once we, and all the people who matter to us are gone, there's nothing left. Just names in the obituaries. In the long run, it's hardly any time at all before nobody on Earth even remembers us.
And I still don't know what to do.