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caughtinafray
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Actually, I did have a friend once

Permanent Linkby caughtinafray on Wed Nov 30, 2016 1:11 am

I had a friend, online, but still someone under similar circumstances and with a similar outlook on things.

We were connected via that 'Steam' program I mentioned some time ago. Like before, I'll refrain from going into rambling detail about that, since very few, if any reading are likely to be familiar with it.

This individual went by the username "Johnny." It wasn't his real name; I will, of course, keep that a secret to comply with the rules, as well as the sake of morality. Apparently, it was based on a comic book character "Johnny the Homicidal Maniac," something I wasn't familiar with (I just looked it up in a new tab out of curiosity, be wary, it's highly profane). He was 5 years younger than me, a large age gap considering that when we first encountered each other, I was 13, and he was only 8. That was back in Summer of 2010. It was a non-linear game (open world), so communication between players tended to be more generalized than action-oriented. I honestly don't remember exactly why, but he sent me a friend invite, and I accepted it.

Let me tell you a little something about Johnny (Remember, it's not his real name). Like me, he said he didn't have any other 'real' friends, and had a lot of general negativity about life. In school, he was picked on at times. One point of contrast, he was sort of into that style of wearing black clothing and such, though not to the point of extremism. As for me, my everyday clothing was, and still is pretty much just a random T-shirt and jeans + jacket if it's cold.

We talked all the time, and some online multiplayer games a lot as well. Most of our conversations were, well, kind of weird. Weird in the fact that they were often very random and tongue-in-cheek. There were plenty of times, though, when we talked about more serious topics. He had sort of a paranoia toward internet privacy, and was very tentative about sharing personal information. We spoke about our daily lives, and it didn't take long for us to understand that we were in a pretty similar boat. He did mention that the age difference between us was kind of weird, as aforementioned, he was 5 years younger. I agree that it was odd, but it really didn't make a difference to me. For once in my life, I had the opportunity to convey some of my real feelings without any barriers getting in the way.

This all came to an unfortunate end when in 2014, after 4 years, he made the decision to remove me from his friends list. In the final weeks that led up to that moment, he told me about how he felt that he was turning his life around, not the wording he used, but you get the drift. Two points I brought up not long before then: An impulsive and thoughtless decision to tell him about self-harm I committed, and how I had a "crush on someone," the way I described it at that time (It was before I disclosed to her). He came to the conclusion that he was finally seeing light in a dark tunnel, and my negative outlook was weighing that down, and one day, I found that he wasn't on my friends list anymore. And that was it.

The time that I continued to use Steam just didn't feel the same. Playing online games solo just felt kind of empty. I quit in July, and most likely will never return. I really do miss those times.

DX: Asperger Syndrome, ADHD, Bipolar type 2
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