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Catalyst for Recovery
So I thought I would start a blog to help my recovery from BPD.

Basically I can't continue living my life under the control of a borderline personality. I've had enough. It's holding me back from doing so many things. It puts pressure on my family. Its ruining my relationship with my boyfriend. He has his flaws but he is the most amazing person in my life and I love him with all my heart and I don't want to lose him.

I've always wanted to get better but I guess making the steps is hard, or part of me thought getting better was scary. About a month or so ago was the lowest point I've had in a long time. I ended up under police custody in hospital. My boyfriend and I had had a fight, he wanted to end the relationship, I threatened suicide, he called an ambulance, they asked him if I was prone to violence, he said maybe, so they decided to send police along as well. I hadn't actually done anything to myself, but I had the pills all popped out of the packet next to me. It was so humiliating. I was taken to the hospital, put in what was called "room 13" .. basically a cell.. it had a mattress on the floor and a chair, and a lot of marks on the walls where people had thrown the chair around. I was tired, scared, embarrassed. There were police standing outside the door. I waited a couple of hours before the psychiatrist came to talk to me. I managed to convince them I was ok so I didn't have to go to the psych ward and they let me go home. The rest of the day I was a mess, crying constantly, ashamed of myself for what I had done, heartbroken because my boyfriend had left me. He came over later that night and I promised him everything would be ok, that it wouldn't happen again, that I would get better. It took hours of begging but he agreed to stay with me and in an instant I felt better, secure.

But since then I've felt so insecure in the relationship, panicking about whether I'm doing something wrong, wondering how he feels about me, worrying if he is happy or not and so this insecurity would rear its ugly head and I've been getting upset about things here and there and I feel threatened by a lot of things. One of these episodes happened Saturday night and he wanted to end the relationship again. So I had to beg him not to leave me. Again. He agreed to stay with me again and see how things were in a couple of months once my new anti-depressants have kicked in. So I have 2 months to prove to him I can be the girl he met, because I am that girl.. I'm just suffering from an ugly disease that turns me into a different person.

So this is it. I'm done with BPD, it's not going to control me anymore, I'm not going to let it.

I see a psychiatrist once a week. Not quite sure how its going to help me, but its the first time I've actually decided to stick with it and see what happens.

I'm going to start going through this DBT workbook I have that was sitting in a draw, never opened. Was bitter towards my mum for buying it for me. I saw it as her telling me here you have a problem fix it. I was embarrassed.

So I'm going to use this blog as an avenue to track my recovery. To talk to myself and reason with myself and hopefully learn more about myself. I have trouble vocalising my problems so I'm hoping this will help me do that too.

Psychiatrist appointment tomorrow afternoon.. and should get my new script for my MAOi.
bsl9408
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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- August 2011
Not so positive today..
   Tue Aug 16, 2011 12:38 pm
Catalyst for Recovery
   Mon Aug 15, 2011 3:27 am

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Not so positive today..

Permanent Linkby bsl9408 on Tue Aug 16, 2011 12:38 pm

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Last edited by bsl9408 on Tue Sep 13, 2011 12:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Catalyst for Recovery

Permanent Linkby bsl9408 on Mon Aug 15, 2011 3:27 am

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Last edited by bsl9408 on Tue Sep 13, 2011 12:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

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