Well... Tonight was lovely to be honest. For the first time in a few weeks, I've eaten all three meals. Then to top it off, didn't purge or cut. Even better... I car pooled with -wait for it- David to a much needed Bible Study session. It was... great. I had so many memories of my previous Youth Group and it was just... Nice. I got to meet 3 really nice people.. Abigal (David's sister), Brendan, and another one who's name I can't recall, but he was also a sweet heart. It was just an amazing night. I can't wait to go back next week if I can.

I'm spending New Years eve and day alone. I have 8 cups of cream stew downstairs. Endless amounts of soda in the fridge. -sigh- Resistance? I guess I can try.

This was me this morning:

(Refusal)

It
Can’t be true.
Maybe it weighs heavy.
Or Possibly,
It’s because I just ate
Doesn’t
The scale lie?
There’s no way
With my resistance
That I could gain.
And
If I’m just being hopeful,
What am I to do?
They’ll think I’m untouchable
And me they’ll refuse to know.

Never
Again then,
Will I choose to have
A morsel pass this mouth.
So just maybe, it’ll pass.
Will
They notice, though?
How I refuse and turn my face?
Go home to my own kin,
And explain my choosing?

Save
Those who know me well,
They’ll never notice.
So long as they can’t tell,
I can pass as

Me.

Then I binged a few hours ago. My God. I'm such a pig.

Bulimia. Goodness, haven't been actually bulimic in a while, but it's still a temptation... Makes me wonder exactly what's still ticking at me that keeps the impulse alive. Oh wait, I already know the answer. Duh. Mommy. I miss you. Or rather, how "we" used to be. Happy. Before the need of perfection came. So unfair. I give you my grades, 5 A's 1 B, and you don't give me any response. That hurts. I want you back mommy.

As time goes,
Throw the stone into the puddle.
May the still water ripple,
And have your old world change.

As the seconds turns and slows,
Have the courage to pick up another shining stone.
Toss it lightly over the shoulder,
Should you have the courage to continue.

Throw more than one in,
And the mystery of crossing paths may show.
The overlapping of waves,
Expanding throughout life.

For no toss is the same,
The patterns of each give way to wisdom.
Look closely, for once is the only time you may see.
The rarity in life too valuable to appear again.

Until death,
May you keep tossing a stone.