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billionaireceo
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Posts: 47
Joined: Fri Aug 12, 2011 8:53 am
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- November 2011
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   Thu Nov 17, 2011 10:19 pm
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   Wed Nov 16, 2011 5:40 pm
Grapevine Syndrome
   Mon Nov 14, 2011 11:07 pm
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   Sat Nov 12, 2011 6:09 am
Calm Week
   Thu Nov 10, 2011 8:19 pm
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   Tue Nov 08, 2011 4:58 pm
Not a calm week
   Sun Nov 06, 2011 11:43 pm
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   Sun Nov 06, 2011 12:04 pm
NLP as verbal terrorism
   Sat Nov 05, 2011 6:58 pm
Yes I could handle that
   Sat Nov 05, 2011 5:47 pm
Doom is in the air
   Fri Nov 04, 2011 7:48 pm
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   Wed Nov 02, 2011 9:28 pm

+ October 2011
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Permanent Linkby billionaireceo on Thu Nov 17, 2011 10:19 pm

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Last edited by billionaireceo on Sun Mar 04, 2012 10:42 pm, edited 35 times in total.

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Permanent Linkby billionaireceo on Wed Nov 16, 2011 5:40 pm

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Last edited by billionaireceo on Sun Mar 04, 2012 9:36 pm, edited 53 times in total.

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Grapevine Syndrome

Permanent Linkby billionaireceo on Mon Nov 14, 2011 11:07 pm

My voices recently said "You have grapevine syndrome, get to work". There's no such thing, but the label makes some sense. When I read about paranoid schizophrenia, http://www.healthcentral.com/schizophrenia/c/674/36339/schizophrenia that sounds like what I got, but maybe I should (again) reject that label. Maybe my delusions are mostly correct, my sense of being constantly watched, persecuted and disliked by thousands upon thousand of people is correct. The hallucinations are there, yes, but I know they're not real, and hallucinations on their own doesn't mean I'm sz.

I suspect a lot of people see me as, kind of an asshole. They "bully" me, in an indirect way, at a distance from me, because they want me to go away, perhaps even die. Their malice has been justified somehow, circular logic malice? (you look like a little bitch -> you insulted him good! -> you look like a little bitch) Regardless, there's no compassion for the outsider. This is a conservative, family values neighborhood. "So, the submissive lesbian philosopher is tripping out on the internet. And what's this about strippers, Mr. Wizard? Please... go away, literally and figuratively."

I'm alone. I live in silence other than the tapping keyboard. But thanks to the internet I'm very connected with people who dislike me. Whatever postings I make find their way on this grapevine, some dedicated investigator may have found this blog and determined my identity. The way this grapevine has been arranged, my annoying thoughts are sent to those who dislike me the most, feeding their fire, helping increase my sense of rejection and persecution, probably to delusional levels.
Last edited by billionaireceo on Thu Mar 08, 2012 4:06 pm, edited 55 times in total.

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Permanent Linkby billionaireceo on Sat Nov 12, 2011 6:09 am

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Last edited by billionaireceo on Sat Feb 18, 2012 8:25 pm, edited 62 times in total.

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Calm Week

Permanent Linkby billionaireceo on Thu Nov 10, 2011 8:19 pm

Nothing psychotic for a week now, and no medication.

update: it's now been a long while without medication, I still have mild symptoms, but nothing psychotic. I've taken medication maybe 4-5 times in the last month, when I feel things getting bad. The voices seem permanent, though. And "delusions" remain, I still feel that I'm being persecuted. The medication does not cure feelings of persecution, and I suspect my feelings of persecution are there because I really am being persecuted.

I'm essentially alone. But I smoke, so often I'm briefly around people in a smoking section. Other times I might briefly interact with someone who seems friendly, a pretty woman, then 20 minutes later I'm suspecting they're part of some sort of system that's against me. I have to endure all this just to... drink beer. There's a lot of freakish people around here, another time I was smoking and a guy was doing these strange movements behind me and in my flank, like a rehearsal to stab me in the kidney. Later I saw his coat folded up, it had big lettering on the back that I couldn't make out, in my mind it looked like "PSYCHO".

update: I did have a mild episode last night. Voices and hallucinations, a religious looking person pulling a strange star-shaped pendant up to his collar, and "magic", menacing voices along with it. Took a med.

I seem to be hyper-sensitive to the medication since I stopped taking it regularly. Even at a very low dosage, it knocks me out, and I have a strange sort of sleepiness. Dopamine-reduced sleep. It also gives me very vivid dreams, sometimes lucid dreams.

Despite this, there seems to be a reduction in symptoms since about the start of December. Though, what's called the negative symptoms seem to remain. Anti-social, withdrawn, languishing about, no motivation.

voices: (comical imitation) hey guys, we've been through so much together, I'm proud to say that I'm off the medication.
Last edited by billionaireceo on Mon Feb 20, 2012 12:16 am, edited 68 times in total.

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