Ok so I'm done here on this website.

Had kind of like a STUPID surprise waiting for me here.

Haven't been here in a couple of days. Maybe subconciously already knew what was coming so I kind of avoided this place. Untill now. Because I already now right now what I probably need to do in my life.

Somewhat. How many opportunities I still have. Instead of whining on some kind of blog day in and day out again.

People can get kind of predictable. Kind of pathetic. Seriously pathetic. But then again I would rather like this scenario as it has now played out rather than the other possible scenario so perhaps I made this all tilt this way somewhat intentionally as well.

I know I'm able to.

By the way I will probably not make the number 30 blog mark. What a shame.

Anyway,

I feel weird.

I'm confused about... me...

It seems somehow that my feelings are spinning or something... as if my feelings are delusional. I don't know what to think or feel anymore.

Every day I am thinking about me and girls. And one "friendship" wich is not really going well in my opinion. I think about how useless my life is right now at the moment. I probably always... like... hate my day-night cycle for quite some time... Then I start up my pc...

Sexually things are really wrong Like I've said so many times. It's just huge. It's like... am I a-sexual or what? I don't know. I'm too scared.

Funny thing because I've always thought... and still do... that... uhm...
Ok so I've got my own issues.

But the real issue as well is that I have like this fear or this thought that if I would approach a girl...

Yeah there's this topic somewhere at the moment about a girl who doesn't really know what to do but she wonders if she can be upfront with others if she ever wants to have sex with that person. And yeah funny... but... I have the same kind of problem... it's like...

Somewhere I have this fear that if I would... suggest any sexual interest... a girl bites my head off... or something...

I've always been scared of that. Actually that's perhaps the number 1 issue.

It feels like I either... uhmm... accept... or decline... sexual advances/interest from girls... and I never accept it somehow because well... if I haven't done anything myself... except for perhaps looking grumpy (seriously, this is the only time when girls get interested in me)...

So the point is... I decline because I want to stay in controll over it... somehow... I don't know exactly... it seems to be about controll... but then... what do I do with that controll? Nothing. Because I'm scared as hell... about having that controll myself... Controll implies that I would be able to do what I want...

But in general I feel out of controll. Untill a girl suddenly seems to like me... but when it ever gets that far... uhm... I feel like I HAVE to decline. I just have to. Because I haven't shown value myself yet. And I want to learn how I can... like... first I want to prevent myself from getting abused again... and with that I mean... nothing sexual against my will...

But then... there's the problem... that... it seems right now like I've accomplished that. But now... I'm at this point where... I keep declining girls that somehow like me. Right... lol... I'm like... whenever a girl likes me I'm like "there must be something wrong with them then". Kind of funny. I don't need to be told that that's a really negative thought and that I'm worth more than that. I specifically add the "then" in that sentence because the "then" implies the "if they like me" part. And sometimes they just like me. But I guess they don't like me enough anymore to set me up again. That's good I guess. I guess that's over.

Perhaps I just want to be able to drop my guard. It's exhausting... it's terrible...

But then again I don't know.

Anyway what I'm trying to say is that I'm very very affraid to approach girls. Because...

It's like I always am like... asking myself whether I would like to have sex with that girl or not. That's the only thing on my mind. It's terrible. I just can't get over that. And I can't allow myself to uhm... say yes or something. My "yes" is actually pretty much a delayed "no". It's like I delay my "no" to that question or I don't delay it.

But then sometimes there's this girl... that... uhm... I think I can't get. And then the whole question doesn't matter anymore. And perhaps I'm gratefull then... like... and then the point comes where I want to approach that girl... but usually... wow... well anyway then... a huge number of stuff comes up... and well I don't know exactly how or whatever......

[ Continued ]

Uhm...

I guess I'm still writing here...

Had a relatively good weekend. Did some usefull stuff... that I benefited from...

So I feel a bit better. I'm in a better situation right now (a tiny bit).

But anyway... uhm yeah I had lesser moments as well...

Hmm... maybe this blog is really starting to lose it's purpose. I will have to find other subjects to talk about. Maybe I need to get a life.

And something socially really interesting happened just now. Really funny lol. And like wow... I mean I... am autistic I guess... but this was like sick... this was really social... IMO... oh whatever...

Right still some more interesting stuff though by the way. I still listen to Tool a lot. And uhm well...
Sometimes I want to sing along with the songs. I seem to really think I can sing... the problem is that I can't. For some reason. And I would really like to blame the abuse for that but I just don't know if it's the abuse or not. But it seems as if somehow I COULD be singing a lot better. Much better. But it's like... PERHAPS (!!!!!!!!!!!)........!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to impress people.

Something else though.

I do not know why I end so rapidly then. Perhaps it's because I think the blog helps things get worse as well. It makes me spend attention on everything that's bad I guess... well I don't have to but it's the effect this blog has on me.

Today I was really grumpy again but I booked some uhm... like... progress...

I guess that... if I'm out of the bad stuff... uhm...

I tend to quit. But yeah I think I'm getting there. But a lot of it involves just fighting with my life, for my life. So it can sometimes be really pessimistic. And perhaps a little too confronting.

But today again I almost had a fight with some random dude who was really really acting like a moron. I was extremely pissed off afterwards, luckily nothing happened...

It has kind of gotten me a little more alert. I needed to defend myself and now I feel really like... still do... like in this fight-mode or something. And I can use it. It has kind of transformed right now in me...

Perhaps it woke me up. I guess that's what I mean. But I don't know to what extend... because I haven't really benefited from this mood... yet... maybe I never will...

I'm still rather confused I guess.

It's girls... it's all girls... not just any... it's... no wait...
It's me.

It's all me. It's all inside my head.

Maybe I should start working out. Because I need to confront this... somehow... fear of girls...
And that's the most obvious way... I can get respect from guys... more easily... so these fights get a little less extreme... and... yeah well I will attract girls...

Maybe I need to pick up on everything again. I've had enough time of... doing useless stuff right now... it's time for me to do something usefull...

Right... some other thing I realised...

I'm protected from sexual stuff... but I'm starving for love. Just love. Just... any kind you know. It's like I can't recognise it either... it's like... it doesn't exist... And I don't know... but... it's really bad... it's REALLY like starving. Seriously. I haven't really had a lot of hunger yet but I guess this is what it must feel like. But I'm doing it on purpose.

It's like when somebody has stranded on a raft in the ocean but the person can't drink anything because it will dehydrate him more than drinking nothing at all. Perhaps that's somewhat close...

You could interpret sexual abuse as a form of love. Just like ocean water can be interpreted as water. Only thing is, ocean water has a lot of salt in it as well. It's the wrong kind of water. It's water that does exactly the opposite from what normal water should be for...

Gosh this comparison is so real.

The reality is even harder though in some ways. Although being stranded on the ocean is probably very bad as well...

I feel like I'm inside some kind of endurance test.

Don't feel like really actively reading through my post again for spelling mistakes etc. I probably missed out on a lot, as usual. But I'm typing this stuff with like my last mental breath available. SUBMIT.

And I feel good again.

And with that I end this blog.