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anonymous112
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Wednesday August 10th 2011
   Wed Aug 10, 2011 8:46 pm

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Wednesday August 10th 2011

Permanent Linkby anonymous112 on Wed Aug 10, 2011 8:46 pm

Hi everyone,

Today was not such a good day, I planned for a while for this day to be the day me and all my friends including Tom went to the water park again, unfortunatly things didn't turn out the way I planned, days before today I was panicing about seeing Tom again, I worried about what I might say or do that might make things worse until today I found that practicly everyone had canceled on me and there were only three of us. We decided not to go in the end because there just wasn't enough people so we went back to my house and played games all day, even though Tom wasn't there, I couldn't stop thinking about him and about my pedophilia which now is just driving me crazy!

It was horrible later on though because one of my friends needed to go home on the bus so I walked to the station with him and it turns out that there was no 7:45 bus so I had to wait a while with him at the bus stop and all I could think about was doing sexual things with my friend! I knew I liked him a bit but i wasn't often I got these kind of thoughts about him and especially not this bad! I felt so guilty having these thoughts though, I felt like each second I thought about him was a second of betrayal to my friend which I couldn't bare, I guess I was lucky in one way though, it was raining at the time I was thinking about my friend so the rain hid my tears :cry:

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Friday 8th July 2011

Permanent Linkby anonymous112 on Fri Jul 08, 2011 1:42 pm

Hi everyone,

I'm starting to enjoy this whole blogging thing, it helps with venting and it gives me somethng to do over these long and ever lasting holidays :P The only problem with writing blogs though is that I have to remember what I put in them because I keep forgetting what I have told some people in PM's and what I have written in my blog, it's all so confusing, so really writing this blog is just going to cause more confusion......Great. :roll:

Turns out Monday was anither failure, or success depends which way you look at it really, I didn't tell Hannah about my pedophilia, or about anything, afer a while of just messing around in my room and chilling out she said to me "So what was it you wanted to talk about?" and I paniced because I wasn't sure what to say, "Uuuh, I don't think I'm ready to tell you yet, I'm sorry" "That's ok, I won't push you into telling me," and that was that. Actually I sort of foresaw this coming, I had a feeling I would chicken out because I knew I am a lot more open behind a computer screen than I am in person, so this was kind of expected.

You know when you try to avoid someting and then all of a sudden it apears everywhere? Well this week for me it has been Love, everywhere I go and everything I do seems to remind me of love, and love reminds me of Tom (Tom is BIL's real name, less awkwardness this way :)), thinking of Tom seems to just depress me a bit now, I still don't know what to do about him whether it be to tell him or leave him be. I've been trying to avoid 'love' because it just instantaniously reminds me of Tom and I get jelous and angry of all those who have found it, I'm not even sure if what I have with Tom is love but I'd be sure willing to try love him if I could, better than the alternative of looking at his Facebook profile picture for hours (Yeah, I really do that :oops:)

Wednesday was a pretty good day, my friends had invited me to go out to a kids water park and because I wasn't thinking I said yes, it was only until after I realised that going to a kids water park might not be the best idea for me, nevertheless I went anyway and tried to have a good time and I did, my friends were a perfect distraction for me not to notice the kids all around me much. One thing that did worry me though, on the way in I saw a sign saying 'NOTICE: Video cameras are not permitted within the building. You may bring a camera within the building but you may only take photos of your own child.' Which actually worries me, I would have thought that cameras would not be permitted at all because I imagine that the lifeguards do not really enforce this rule as they are busy keeping an eye on the children making sure they are safe. Of course, I did not see anyone with a camera that day but it concerns me that this is allowed anyway, I'd hate to know that someone is taking photos of children when the parents think they are safe :(

Thursday was a pretty good day too, I went out with my friends again to see Kung Fu Panda 2 which was very good :D I didn't expect to have a good time but I did, I now plan to organise more days out with my friends as I think I need something to keep me ocupied. I want to organise another day out to the water park only this time invite Tom who I think would probably go only thing is I don't know how I am going to react next time I see him as I have been obsessing over him for a while now...

[ Continued ]

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Sunday 3rd July 2011

Permanent Linkby anonymous112 on Mon Jul 04, 2011 11:03 am

Hey everyone,

On friday my friend Owen came round to my house and despite what happened Wednesday I didn't tell him about me, I find it a lot harder to express my feelings in person so I guess I just put up my illusion of 'I'm feeling fine'. I asked him that day what a blog was (because I am still unsure), he said "It's a piece of writing about anything I guess", so I've been thinking, if a blog is a piece of writing about anything, then I can write blogs in a way you would write a journal right? So welcome to the journal of a 16 year old pedophile :P (caution, I go into the topic madturbation in this blog)

I am currently writing this on my phone, although it is a lot harder I would rather get my thoughts down now before I forget, my mind is like a sieve. So, recently I've been thinking, there have been many things that I have had to learn on my own about...well... Masturbation, I know that I am still young and there are probably more things I can find out about, but what I am worried about is what my sources are, I mean, should a 16 year old be learning about this stuff through things like shotacon? I understand that I am still in the 'age of discovery' and I should still be learning new things but I think I am learning in all the wrong ways. Although some of this stuff may seem totally obious to you, it wasn't until recently I learned about it, for example, I only learned about lube recently by seeing this image I don't think needs explination, nevertheless should that be the way to learn about it? Another example is that I didn't learn about using tissues until watching a film, I know that sounds a bit wrong, but trust me, it was a 15 rated film. I feel though by only learning about this kind of stuff now, it may be a bit too late, I mean, for years now I have masturbated in my bed and used my sheets to get rid of the 'evidence' which has lead to some badly stained sheets, I'm so glad my mum hasn't mentioned it when she is changing my sheets, I mean, it's hard not to notice it really. I guess the best thing to do would be for me to stop going under my sheets, as I think eventually my mum might say something, I just think maybe I should have had a talk with one of my parents about this topic because I feel so under-educated.

Yesterday (Saturday for those of you reading after Sunday :P), I decided to go on a walk with my mum and take the dog with us too, we were going to go to a route we had been to before, it was a nice enough route but I can't say it was my favorite because it is very secluded in trees which is only nice in the autumn when leaves cover the whole ground. Anyway, we were on our way to that route when my mum spotted a footpath on the side of the road, she stopped the car and we decied to explore this footpath, turns out it was a very tiring route, we started at the top of this hill and began decending, quite rapidly really, but when you go down you know you have got to go back up again which felt like that there was a lot more up than down :| Nevertheless it was totally worth it, because before we started decending there was this outcrop mostly made of stone but had a layer of grass covering the top, although the view was already spectacular I decided to see what it was like from the top of the outcrop, when I got to the top the view was more amazing than I could have imagined. I sat down on the top and admired the view for a bit, then I thought 'Wow, this is amazing, it's like one of those places couples go to watch the sunset *sigh* shame that will never happen for me', and then I started getting depressed again thinking how I will never get a chance to share this view with BIL ('BIL' is my word which stands for 'Boy I Like' he is one...

[ Continued ]

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My First Ever Blog

Permanent Linkby anonymous112 on Thu Jun 30, 2011 6:15 am

Hi I'm anonymous112,

I've never done a blog before, I've always heard people talk about them but I never bothered to find out what they were, every time someone would talk about a blog, I would phase out. I supose now is as good as time as any to start, I still don't have much of an idea on what a blog is, but from what I've gathered, it's just a bit of writing about something isn't it? Or about yourself? Anywho, I'm going to write about myself anyway, so if you are not interested in reading about some teenagers problems in life, I sugest you turn away now.

I believe that I can say that being a pedophile aint an easy life, I've been a pedophile for....3 years give or take and I'm already depressed and fed up with life, sure, I've done nothing wrong and I don't believe I will any time soon but it's the whole idea of 'being like this forever' that scares me. Every day of my school life (which will last another two years) I have to put up beng around the person I love most, knowing he will never fall for me and I can't even tell him how I feel, now some of you may disagree with that, but I believe that if I really cared for that boy then I would spare his feelings for my own.

This last week hasn't been so good to me really, I've been having these thoughts that sleep is the best way to go for me. Sleep is great really, it's the only time I don't think about my whole pedophile situation and get all depressed over it, the only problem is that I've been wanting more of it, I can't stand myself being awake and constantly thinking all these depressing thoughts of self loathing! When I get depressed I do a lot of stupid things, I don't know why, I just do, it's kinda fustrating really because I know that whenever I am doing something stupid, I think to myself 'You are going to regret this later you know', and I'm always right. Not so long ago I posted on Facebook how I hated feeling so depressed all the time, it didn't take long before people were trying to get it out of me, asking me over and over 'What's wrong?' and me just denying to tell them the truth, some of them I went into more detail with, saying like how I have been feeling depressed only I didn't want to talk about it, I like having friends and I love it how they care for me, but it gets too much sometimes lying to their faces even with a simple lie like 'I'm fine'. My want for sleep though has driven me to think about commiting suicide, that way I could get all the sleep I wanted, only I know I would hurt a lot of people if I did that so my mind turned to the next best solution, getting hit by a car, that way it could only be going at 30mph tops so it would give me a pretty high chance to live and when I wake up in hospital, they would probably give me drugs to put me to sleep or something, I could get all the rest I wanteed, the only thing that has stopped me though is my fear of being hit by a car, I mean, thats got to hurt no matter how much you want it.

I can't say yesterday was good for me either, I was planning to stay home all day but that wasn't to be as my dad asked me to walk down to the shops for some supplies, now normally I wouldn't mind this but over the last month I have been groing what seems to feel like a phobia of boys, I'm terrified of them and I do my best to avoid them but ask me why and you'll leave me speachless. So going down to the shops is more terrifying than you would think because the store I go to is the best one for miles around so everyone goes there including many children, I've tried rushing though the shop to get everything I need as quick as I could but it ususally I would miss something in my panic, so I have to write a list, making sure I don't forget anything but trying to go as fast as I can to get out of there.

Now yesterday was the day I went back to Explorers, most of you will probably know it as Scouts or Cub-Scouts, this is the older version for 15's and up. I admit I do love Explorers, I love the activity's we do the places...

[ Continued ]

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