So, over the weekend, I was over at a friend's house for a dinner party and I ate pot brownies which gave me some crazy dissociation that I wasn't expecting and it really scared me. I ended up telling my friends all about everything that's been swimming on my mind and I even told one of them I had a crush on them even though I didn't really have one. There's this one guy who was there that I made out with once and then started avoiding him and I told him I actually can't stand him and why and strangely he was totally understanding and not angry at me, although now he is ignoring me which is kinda annoying me.
Anyway, I feel like I told them way too much about myself so since then I've been fantasizing about cutting ties off with everyone and moving to another area. This was the main thing I mentioned to my therapist because it's something I tend to do a lot.
Ahh, to be honest, I don't really remember so much of what I told him today. The hour really felt like it went by too fast. I'm kind of afraid he might not be able to help me. So far I feel the most comfortable talking to him out of everyone else I've worked with. Maybe I just need to be patient and have more sessions of just me talking about myself for a really really long time so he can have a better understanding of what's going on with me.
Oh! Wait. I think things are coming to me. I did mention how I spend money on candy almost compulsively. Most of my money goes to candy and it even comes before food, although I do eat when I'm depressed too. He suggested that sugar does stuff to your serotonin levels but really a lot of why I eat candy so much is because I get the feeling that it is destroying my blood sugar levels and my teeth and turning my insides all blue.
I also talked about my pretty dramatic ups and downs and they're triggered by pretty much random things. Like I was feeling really depressed and unloved and awful yesterday until I noticed I actually saved a ton of money by buying stuff on sale and then I congratulated myself by taking a nice nighttime shower since I only take showers in the morning and by eating bacon. I know, that's pretty darn cute of me—my therapist thought so, too.
I pointed out that I'm never really feeling neutral. Everything is amazing or it's awful. I never feel like I'm just having an average day. My therapist told me how having really high highs are tied to really low lows to balance things and stuff.
I mentioned how I always, always make an effort to make something, no matter how personal it is, really fun or exciting or stylish to read. Like I told him about how when I write in my diary, I lace everything with wit and irony intentionally and I also have a little joke where I address the diary as "snooper" so it'll be like I'm addressing someone snooping into it. I told him I feel like no one would really care about what I had to say if I didn't say things that way, so the only acceptable way of expressing pain or hurt or whatever is by being ironic about it. I told him I wanted to maintain this image of being a slightly ditzy but nevertheless intelligent girl who was also really self-aware and cool.
Yeah, seriously. Like, most of the time, I'm trying to pretend I'm some combination of Chuck Palahniuk and Bret Easton Ellis and maybe even David Foster Wallace so my personal experiences and thoughts and feelings would be totally edgy and literary. This is why I write really really really long sentences or short punchy ones all the time. I mean, I am totally not going all out right now but still, you can see some of the Ellis influence I bet. I feel like I'm being too raw, revealing, boring if I don't do this.
He asked me if I maintain this when I talk to my boyfriend and I told him kind of. I told him I just find creative/dramatic ways to describe my pain.
I told him about how I have this obsessive thing about fashion because I really want to pass fluidly in the world as a genetic girl instead of this trans-girl thing. I...
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