Our partner

Zoey's Blog
Zoey is a pseudonym for a 20-year-old girl living in Boston. Her best friend is a plush turtle from the aquarium and she's also transgender. This is her really cool blog about therapy and stuff.
Zoey
Consumer 3
Consumer 3
 
Posts: 61
Joined: Fri Jun 17, 2011 4:36 pm
Blog: View Blog (1)
Archives
- June 2011
Zoey's Blog Episode 1 (the first post was a pilot episode)
   Mon Jun 27, 2011 8:22 pm
Zoey's Blog!
   Wed Jun 22, 2011 4:28 pm

Search Blogs

Feed

Zoey's Blog Episode 1 (the first post was a pilot episode)

Permanent Linkby Zoey on Mon Jun 27, 2011 8:22 pm

So, over the weekend, I was over at a friend's house for a dinner party and I ate pot brownies which gave me some crazy dissociation that I wasn't expecting and it really scared me. I ended up telling my friends all about everything that's been swimming on my mind and I even told one of them I had a crush on them even though I didn't really have one. There's this one guy who was there that I made out with once and then started avoiding him and I told him I actually can't stand him and why and strangely he was totally understanding and not angry at me, although now he is ignoring me which is kinda annoying me.

Anyway, I feel like I told them way too much about myself so since then I've been fantasizing about cutting ties off with everyone and moving to another area. This was the main thing I mentioned to my therapist because it's something I tend to do a lot.

Ahh, to be honest, I don't really remember so much of what I told him today. The hour really felt like it went by too fast. I'm kind of afraid he might not be able to help me. So far I feel the most comfortable talking to him out of everyone else I've worked with. Maybe I just need to be patient and have more sessions of just me talking about myself for a really really long time so he can have a better understanding of what's going on with me.

Oh! Wait. I think things are coming to me. I did mention how I spend money on candy almost compulsively. Most of my money goes to candy and it even comes before food, although I do eat when I'm depressed too. He suggested that sugar does stuff to your serotonin levels but really a lot of why I eat candy so much is because I get the feeling that it is destroying my blood sugar levels and my teeth and turning my insides all blue.

I also talked about my pretty dramatic ups and downs and they're triggered by pretty much random things. Like I was feeling really depressed and unloved and awful yesterday until I noticed I actually saved a ton of money by buying stuff on sale and then I congratulated myself by taking a nice nighttime shower since I only take showers in the morning and by eating bacon. I know, that's pretty darn cute of me—my therapist thought so, too.

I pointed out that I'm never really feeling neutral. Everything is amazing or it's awful. I never feel like I'm just having an average day. My therapist told me how having really high highs are tied to really low lows to balance things and stuff.

I mentioned how I always, always make an effort to make something, no matter how personal it is, really fun or exciting or stylish to read. Like I told him about how when I write in my diary, I lace everything with wit and irony intentionally and I also have a little joke where I address the diary as "snooper" so it'll be like I'm addressing someone snooping into it. I told him I feel like no one would really care about what I had to say if I didn't say things that way, so the only acceptable way of expressing pain or hurt or whatever is by being ironic about it. I told him I wanted to maintain this image of being a slightly ditzy but nevertheless intelligent girl who was also really self-aware and cool.

Yeah, seriously. Like, most of the time, I'm trying to pretend I'm some combination of Chuck Palahniuk and Bret Easton Ellis and maybe even David Foster Wallace so my personal experiences and thoughts and feelings would be totally edgy and literary. This is why I write really really really long sentences or short punchy ones all the time. I mean, I am totally not going all out right now but still, you can see some of the Ellis influence I bet. I feel like I'm being too raw, revealing, boring if I don't do this.

He asked me if I maintain this when I talk to my boyfriend and I told him kind of. I told him I just find creative/dramatic ways to describe my pain.

I told him about how I have this obsessive thing about fashion because I really want to pass fluidly in the world as a genetic girl instead of this trans-girl thing. I...

[ Continued ]
Last edited by Zoey on Mon Jun 27, 2011 8:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

0 Comments Viewed 2834 times
1 out of 52 out of 53 out of 54 out of 55 out of 5

Zoey's Blog!

Permanent Linkby Zoey on Wed Jun 22, 2011 4:28 pm

Hii. Is this working?

This is my super-awesome blog that's going to talk all about my exciting experiences in therapy and life! I'm making this because someone suggested I should and it's totally groovier to have my own space instead of taking up space on the Histrionic forum or whatever.

Okay so yeah I'm 20-years-old and I'm also a trans-girl living full-time as female in Boston and I'm seeing a therapist as of Monday. If it helps you relate to me I'm also Asian but it's not something I identify with super-strongly.

Um, so, stuff that's been happening since then. I finally got in touch with my boyfriend since he hasn't really been talking to me for the past few days. He does this sometimes and he sort of has a one-track mind where he won't think of you and say hi or answer your messages when he's doing other things. It really sucks.

He's been thinking of breaking up with me but when I got a hold of him yesterday I convinced him his thoughts were of course wrong. I also told him about all the stuff that's been swimming in my mind lately and also stuff I've been talking about with my therapist. He says he can see why I think I have HPD and he also mentioned that I do have a tendency to engage in splitting but he just didn't know how to word it. He found this frustrating apparently.

Anyway, I promised him I'm going to get better and we also discussed some different approaches to our relationship so things will stay nice. I think we reached an agreement and then he jokingly was all "well, you've successfully manipulated me back into our relationship!"

Also, my grandma came to the apartment this morning and yelled at me for not opening the windows while making hash browns. She says I'm going to destroy all of her stuff since I'm cooking stuff around it and I told her I didn't want to open the windows because I was afraid of bugs and I had the AC on anyway then she told me I don't know everything and that by defying her I'm implying I do! Outrageous. I'm beginning to see how my grandmother must have affected the way my mother raised me. Oh, I'm living in my grandmother's apartment in section 8 housing for elderly and disabled people, you see, but she lives in a different apartment most of the time so I'm alone here.

Anyway, then I got a call from my mother saying the people running the building want to evict me.

Okay, so, is this the sort of content you guys want to read about? Or do you only want to focus on therapy? If this sort of stuff comes up, should I only limit it to short simple descriptions? Give me feedback! And totally feel free to comment if you need to ask me something or elaborate or whatever. It's all cool.

I promise my future entries won't be as exciting as this one.

2 Comments Viewed 7005 times

Who is online

Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Feedfetcher